You put all your cards out on the table, perhaps a bit to soon.

I wouldn't message her any more, wait for a reply, as difficult as it is.

there are always more fish in the sea, and if this "catch" doesn't happen, there will be other chances.

(05-18-2020, 05:12 PM)CellarDweller Wrote: You put all your cards out on the table, perhaps a bit to soon.

I wouldn't message her any more, wait for a reply, as difficult as it is.

there are always more fish in the sea, and if this "catch" doesn't happen, there will be other chances.

yeah you’re right, I will try to put her out of my head... ugh this is hard.

What happened, or what do you think happened the last time you were out with her? If you want to share that and it is totally fine if you don't.

(05-18-2020, 05:43 PM)InbetweenDreams Wrote: What happened, or what do you think happened the last time you were out with her? If you want to share that and it is totally fine if you don't.

to be honest, it wasn’t even like anything bad happened. I had just met up with her after having a bad morning so I know my demeanour was more like tense and distant, while we were together we still had a lovely time but when I walked away I was feeling really down. I messaged her after seeing her like I usually do saying how wonderful it was spending time with her but just letting you know, if I seemed off it was just from the earlier stuff in the day. I used a lot of happy language to describe my time with her like I always have an amazing time and it was absolutely wonderful.  Her response was “thanks for the enjoyable and chilled afternoon”. Sounds like something you say to a friend imo.

the tone of her messages had been closer to mine after other dates so this felt like a bit off to me. And then we had discussed potentially meeting the next day unless she was called into work or I had something I was expecting to come up, and when I checked in and said hey I actually can meet, she kind of just didn’t have a really solid reason but then did not plan to meet up. Then our messages from there to me seemed coloured by her not being really affectionate to me the way she has before. Also we had kind of discussed meeting Wednesday (2 days from now) but she never solidified that. I was being my normal self in our messages for a while but finally I tried to be more standoffish in the last few texts because it was all feeling so weird. 
that’s when I finally just this morning said hey are things ok/have they changed (but in a lot more words).... and here we are

I know a lot of people pick up on things that we don't notice ourselves. Hard to say, especially with not having been there. I can admit that being on a date or anything, with someone who is in a bad mood can really change the direction of things. Some people are sensitive and think things are aimed at them when they're not. At other times, people might think one is being irrational.

Perhaps someone else should weigh in just to check my interpretation. I mean to me, it would take more than just someone being in a mood on a date to write someone off....if anything if someone were being distant and tense I might feel that maybe they weren't all that much into me. So yeah, does seem weird that her demeanor has changed. Although there might be something that bothered her from the start that she didn't bring up. Kind of like how I for instance, I cannot stand when people chew loudly, but those who do it may not be aware... Of course not suggesting that you chew loudly or if something like that was even the case. People often don't speak up and most problems stem from people not talking about it.

Unless I have missed something here. I don't think speculating about what went wrong is going to help, it will just eat you alive. I don't think you did anything out of line at least based on what I know from your posts and I don't think you should beat yourself up over it. The way I currently see it is if someone is going to bail on you that easy they're not worth your time as far as relationship material goes, friends sure. The friend zone is a tricky place. I've not had much success with staying friends with people that I have dated or had "more than friends" feeling for. I do have a story to share but would have to PM sometime.

I would just leave the ball in her court just now, and see how she responds.

It's possible she's just having an off day, but I guess you'd be in a better position to read between the lines. Maybe your intensity rubbed off on her and she's a little shaken by the speed of how things are progressing perhaps, and just needs a little space to process her feelings. We all move at different speeds.

Her text reply wasn't a bad response, and you could be overthinking things (you wouldn't be the first) because you like her so much, so I would hang back and see how she reacts to your long text, and take it from there. Fingers crossed for you though 

(05-18-2020, 06:28 PM)InbetweenDreams Wrote: I know a lot of people pick up on things that we don't notice ourselves. Hard to say, especially with not having been there. I can admit that being on a date or anything, with someone who is in a bad mood can really change the direction of things. Some people are sensitive and think things are aimed at them when they're not. At other times, people might think one is being irrational.

Perhaps someone else should weigh in just to check my interpretation. I mean to me, it would take more than just someone being in a mood on a date to write someone off....if anything if someone were being distant and tense I might feel that maybe they weren't all that much into me. So yeah, does seem weird that her demeanor has changed. Although there might be something that bothered her from the start that she didn't bring up. Kind of like how I for instance, I cannot stand when people chew loudly, but those who do it may not be aware... Of course not suggesting that you chew loudly or if something like that was even the case. People often don't speak up and most problems stem from people not talking about it.

Unless I have missed something here. I don't think speculating about what went wrong is going to help, it will just eat you alive. I don't think you did anything out of line at least based on what I know from your posts and I don't think you should beat yourself up over it. The way I currently see it is if someone is going to bail on you that easy they're not worth your time as far as relationship material goes, friends sure. The friend zone is a tricky place. I've not had much success with staying friends with people that I have dated or had "more than friends" feeling for. I do have a story to share but would have to PM sometime.

I don’t think I did anything at the time while we were out, but I did feel tense, it was more that I wasn’t quite feeling myself. We kissed a lot, we had lovely lovely moments. I just worried that it didn’t feel as good to her as normal. 
that’s why I said right away I had a lovely wonderful time with you. But maybe she didn’t have such a lovely time with me because I was a bit off my normal self. It is new and maybe that’s enough for her to think meh this isn’t something I’m enjoying.

I wouldn't hate myself for it. I've lost tons of guys from putting all my cards on the table too soon. I've also been driven away by a lot of guys who did the same, but here's the thing - all the guys who scared me off by "text bombing" me, all happened to be guys I wasn't really into. The thing is, if there's a guy I want, I'm craving for him to message me a novel, similar to what you did. So, as difficult as this sounds, I think you might have to brace for the possibility that she isn't as interested in you as you are in her. It hurts, but it happens to all of us.

I honestly hate the whole dating game. Nobody wants to use the word "date" anymore, so you always have to call it "hanging out." Unsolicited phone calls are now a no-no, and you have to keep text messages short and simple. It's nerve wrecking.

Of course, sometimes, some of us are chatter boxes and the other isn't, and that doesn't always mean we aren't meant to be. I'm a touch typist and have mastered text "swyping," so I can text novels on-demand. This can come off as needy, but really, it's all just my stream-of-consciousness. I think this is what happened with you, you're like me and can convert a stream-of-conscious into text with no effort. You'd think in 2020 everybody would be text wizzes, but most people just aren't.

At the end of the day, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. All isn't lost, though. Maybe she's still trying process what you sent her. The brain is just an organic computer, which isn't to demean brains, the computer was, after all, based on an attempt to make a machine brain. Sometimes computers freeze and crash. Give her time to "download" what you sent her, and eventually she'll "reboot" with the new software.

Stay healthy and good luck

(05-18-2020, 06:42 PM)Bookworm Wrote: I would just leave the ball in her court just now, and see how she responds.

It's possible she's just having an off day, but I guess you'd be in a better position to read between the lines. Maybe your intensity rubbed off on her and she's a little shaken by the speed of how things are progressing perhaps, and just needs a little space to process her feelings. We all move at different speeds.

Her text reply wasn't a bad response, and you could be overthinking things (you wouldn't be the first) because you like her so much, so I would hang back and see how she reacts to your long text, and take it from there. Fingers crossed for you though 

she’s not responded the entire day now so either she needs to process or she’s super not into me anymore. I guess I just have to wait and see how it all goes.... :/ 

I decided to distract myself by having a giggling drinking video chat with friends tonight, hopefully that makes me feel less rubbish :/ 

I think after the whole day of thinking it over, I feel that it was ok what I sent, but it does still leave me feeling pretty crappy because I really like her and I don’t want it to end before it barely even begins.

(05-18-2020, 06:58 PM)Chase Wrote: I wouldn't hate myself for it. I've lost tons of guys from putting all my cards on the table too soon. I've also been driven away by a lot of guys who did the same, but here's the thing - all the guys who scared me off by "text bombing" me, all happened to be guys I wasn't really into. The thing is, if there's a guy I want, I'm craving for him to message me a novel, similar to what you did. So, as difficult as this sounds, I think you might have to brace for the possibility that she isn't as interested in you as you are in her. It hurts, but it happens to all of us.

I honestly hate the whole dating game. Nobody wants to use the word "date" anymore, so you always have to call it "hanging out." Unsolicited phone calls are now a no-no, and you have to keep text messages short and simple. It's nerve wrecking.

Of course, sometimes, some of us are chatter boxes and the other isn't, and that doesn't always mean we aren't meant to be. I'm a touch typist and have mastered text "swyping," so I can text novels on-demand. This can come off as needy, but really, it's all just my stream-of-consciousness. I think this is what happened with you, you're like me and can convert a stream-of-conscious into text with no effort. You'd think in 2020 everybody would be text wizzes, but most people just aren't.

At the end of the day, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. All isn't lost, though. Maybe she's still trying process what you sent her. The brain is just an organic computer, which isn't to demean brains, the computer was, after all, based on an attempt to make a machine brain. Sometimes computers freeze and crash. Give her time to "download" what you sent her, and eventually she'll "reboot" with the new software.

Stay healthy and good luck

I was thinking that too, that she must not be as into me as I am into her, but I also thought maybe it's just that she moves a little more slowly and perhaps we were going the same direction and now she's scared away...? We do always message each other novels but the thing is that this particular one maybe came off sounding insecure? and perhaps some earlier things have given an insecure feeling to them....

She has said to me as well that she really likes me, that she doesn't want to mess things up and that she was nervous. That was before things started to feel off of course. To be honest, she was way more forward than me for a while, and somehow it seems the tables turned at some point and now i'm basically throwing myself at her looking like a total idiot :/


I can't really figure out what changed, whether it started saturday, or maybe even slightly earlier, or if she was still feeling stuff and it's really just this one message, but it felt to me that the further we got the less open she was, and i don't really understand why....