01-30-2014, 07:27 AM
There's a lot going on here, and it's going to take a lot to straighten it out. You say you love him, and you are sure he loves you too. I hope both are true, because it's going to take a lot of love and commitment and dedication to fix this.
I had to do a lot of reading between the lines, so bear with me if I misunderstood. Did you talk to him about your decision to submit to something you didn't like for the sake of the relationship. It's very important to have communication about this sort of thing.
You said "I accidentally discovered..." but after your accidental discovery, you continued looking. That's when it becomes spying. The point here is not whether spying was justified, of course it was, but it brings mistrust into the relationship. The mistrust needs to be addressed and dealt with before it becomes a problem. I found myself in the same situation several years ago, and I told my lover about it, including the part about when it became spying; things were discussed and explained, and we got over it. The point is, if I hadn't brought it up, it would have festered. I suspect that's happening with you now.
You also need to understand that there's a big difference between what people fantasize about and what they do in real life. I am into very mild BDSM, but what I fantasize about is not mild at all. About whether chatting while masturbating constitutes infidelity, the two of you will need to work that out. I don't have an opinion.
But one last thing. You and your boyfriend both need to gain a better understanding of anal sex. I found an old thread about this where someone mentions the "Ten Rules of Anal Sex" - among them: #2 Anal stimulation, including intercourse, is not painful if done properly; #3 Anal sex can be enjoyed even if it has been consistently uncomfortable in the past; and #9 Anal intercourse is not necessarily an act of dominance and submission.
I can't post a link to the thread (?!) but it's thread #27034, and if you do a search on "first-ish" it should get you to it. The book quoted is "Anal Pleasure and Health" by Jack Morin.
Hope you can find something helpful in here.
Chris86 Wrote:[SIZE="4"] I love him, and the only thing that was important for me was to stay together. So i accepted it.
I had to do a lot of reading between the lines, so bear with me if I misunderstood. Did you talk to him about your decision to submit to something you didn't like for the sake of the relationship. It's very important to have communication about this sort of thing.
You said "I accidentally discovered..." but after your accidental discovery, you continued looking. That's when it becomes spying. The point here is not whether spying was justified, of course it was, but it brings mistrust into the relationship. The mistrust needs to be addressed and dealt with before it becomes a problem. I found myself in the same situation several years ago, and I told my lover about it, including the part about when it became spying; things were discussed and explained, and we got over it. The point is, if I hadn't brought it up, it would have festered. I suspect that's happening with you now.
You also need to understand that there's a big difference between what people fantasize about and what they do in real life. I am into very mild BDSM, but what I fantasize about is not mild at all. About whether chatting while masturbating constitutes infidelity, the two of you will need to work that out. I don't have an opinion.
But one last thing. You and your boyfriend both need to gain a better understanding of anal sex. I found an old thread about this where someone mentions the "Ten Rules of Anal Sex" - among them: #2 Anal stimulation, including intercourse, is not painful if done properly; #3 Anal sex can be enjoyed even if it has been consistently uncomfortable in the past; and #9 Anal intercourse is not necessarily an act of dominance and submission.
I can't post a link to the thread (?!) but it's thread #27034, and if you do a search on "first-ish" it should get you to it. The book quoted is "Anal Pleasure and Health" by Jack Morin.
Hope you can find something helpful in here.
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