He refuses being bottom, but he says he likes only top guys....

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have never thought about this..... maybe this is because when he plays the top role... he likes to be dominant and active..... he has never showed the need for a dominant male when he plays top



so what I have to do? I am not 40 years xxl old muscle bond total top..... I am afraid I am not able to excite him.... not like I should..... not like he would.... he assures me that he likes our sex...... but in this way I never play top (and this is what I like) and with me he never plays out what he likes to "do" when he chat behind the monitor. I should give up and let him look for someoneelse? or should I be more dominant in my bottom role?

Sorry, I never saw this thread again until now....

I cannot tell you what you should do, I was only trying to offer some sort or perspective that may make sense. Human sexuality is complex, its not all about lust and pleasure, there is a diverse, and complex mix of other attending emotions that can and often are felt when having sex.

There is in the BDSM the concept of 'topping from the bottom'... In this the bottom becomes the dominant role (Master/Dom/Leader) and he orders the top to top him, or ties the top down and has a bottom's field day with giving oral, teasing, riding him like a rodeo Bull taking the control from the top..... (give me a moment I'm having some fond memories here)

In 'vanilla' relationships the bottom who takes charge, initiates, and 'requests' the top either verbally or though body language to do this, that, or the other.... This is called an 'aggressive bottom'.

I bet if you got a whip and some rope and took charge in bed your man may actually respond well... If not literally than in other ways.

Sex is not just about who penetrates who... its far more complex its a mind set.

If you partner does not like something shoved up his bum but likes the other guy to have control he may feel compelled to go with the whole 'thing up the bum' because he may be under the impression that that is the only way a guy can control the situation, to lead and dominate the scene.

Gay porn has done a number on gay sex and how it is viewed by gay men.

The formula for gay porn is typically 'oral for a while, followed by anal, followed by people ending up being glazed donuts. More often than not the top has a huge dick, or is bulging with muscles, or some other form of being more 'the man'.

Reality is that 60% of gay men prefer oral and would rather not do the anal thing at all. And many of those who do perform in a more anal manner do so because they admit they believe that is what they must do.

As for not talking to you about sex and what he likes, then tell him to write you a letter, word processor letter, not email - and you want for him to write down one of his fantasies.

Now understand that no one works for free... So the thing is you write up one of your own fantasies. Print it up making certain that the top page has a few paragraphs on it with a decent sized tile, and that it says something hot.... Wave that before him and tell him, "You show me yours, I show you mine...."

Be firm about this - not rough or hurtful, just tell him point blank you are tired of guessing and want the two of you to know each others wants/needs and have decided to take charge of this matter and initiate real conversation without making it terribly embarrassing.