Voicing my opinion about a friends relationship or interference?

[mrk2010]

I have a friend who is in a relationship and I am in debate of whether to voice my opinion about her boyfriend as I don't believe he treats her right in terms of cheating and being selfish. However I am wary this may come over as interfering and I don't really want to come across that way. Ok so the background. We are very close friends and we have known each other since school at age 11 so we have a lot of history together. Basically she has been seeing this guy for about the past 6 years and though the years he has cheated a few times, slept with other women and just in general being a selfish get, for example not buying her gifts for her birthdays when she dotes on him. He even brought a woman back to their house and slept with her in their bed which I thought was disgusting .Seriously they are a yoyo couple, they are up and down all the time, he is moving in and out of their house quite frequently of which they have a mortgage together and her Facebook relationship status is changing every two months or so and she goes from saying I love my boyfriend to I think he's a selfish get online. When they do have one of their break ups he always worms his way back in saying thinks like "I'm depressed, I can't live without you" (this did make me giggle writing). He did have depression once before but I don't think this really constitutes a reason as getting back together. My friend says things like "Oh we have been together six or seven years it's a shame to end it" and I just think if I was treated like this I'd be out the door and find someone who treats me with some respect and shows je the same amount of love. He's not an abusive boyfriend he's just a waste of space (or as I say when I bitch about him a waste of sperm and egg). Basically I think my friend is being taken advantage of as I believe she is too nice and set in her ways as she feels comfortable. What made me laugh a week ago was the fact she was saying "oh I want to have kids one day " and I thought are you taking the proverbial? In what respect are you able to provide a good home to a child? When you clearly haven't got your shit together.

Personally I think it's a joke, if I were in a relationship maybe I could accept once if my partner cheated but if I found out it happend again I would kick them to the curb. I just think he is a waste of space and if she wasn't my friend I would drag her over the coals like I would do to anyone else but she is my friend after all. So guys do you think I should voice my opinions or let my friend come a cropper at some later stage and find out what her partner is really like?

Cheers in advance.

Mrk2010

[zeon]

ello Mer K,
Giving advice is a good thing in any circumstance however if you have valid pointers about the relationship which you know to be 100% true then by all means mention about the sleeping about moments. When giving advice despite loving your friend 100% and wanting to be loyal there is being loyal and taking sides so if he wants to discuss things as well on this matter remember he has the right to do so as well. I would recommend showing some concern for the facts that they cannot afford to keep doing this to each other for the fact that they have a mortgage together and in todays society if you fall off the property ladder you may find your never get another chance so both need to fix it immediately or if they cant why not have a break but live together as friends/friends with benefits.. That nway they get their space to have ME time and they also get US time....

Good luck on this and hope it works well for your friends mister

kindest regards

zeon x

[Person66]

You did say that you call him a waste of sperm and eggs when you bitch about him (he doesn't have any eggs?). So if you already bitch about him to her then there isn't much more to say. When she says she wants children, just say that he would make a terrible father and if she wants children she would need to find a better relationship. Whatever you say, try to be really gentle and not come off as patronizing. People can be very sensitive to this type of advice. Definitely don't keep your mouth shut as you see her making horrible decisions.

[pellaz]

you guys are young yet so plenty of time to make mistakes right?

to some degree you as a friend should support and promote her in her decisions (that are healthy), but you have to respect the decisions your deem wrong or find another girl friend. You need to establish the line where you are involved and where you just listen

-She might feel he would never find another man if she lets go of the current situation.
-I think the mortgage issue above is a valid concern, is she at a financial point she could buy him out? Maybe if they waited 2-3 years (a long time) the real estate market will improve and they could sell the whole thing and hit reset.
-maybe she wants to get preg with you (serious).

[mrk2010]

you guys are young yet so plenty of time to make mistakes right?

to some degree you as a friend should support and promote her in her decisions (that are healthy), but you have to respect the decisions your deem wrong or find another girl friend. You need to establish the line where you are involved and where you just listen

-She might feel he would never find another man if she lets go of the current situation.
-I think the mortgage issue above is a valid concern, is she at a financial point she could buy him out? Maybe if they waited 2-3 years (a long time) the real estate market will improve and they could sell the whole thing and hit reset.
-maybe she wants to get preg with you (serious).

It's just the fact she complains about him and doesn't do anything to change it. I try to have a policy of not getting involved but when you have someone moaning constantly about the situation and it's like well just leave him that's frustration. I just provide a listening pair of ears and shoulder to cry on. I know what I want to say because I think I'll be quite sensitive. I just feel like saying ditch that loser and start a fresh. Also with regard to zeons advice how could a person live with an ex who has hurt them so much? I don't think she could cope with being friends I think it would be very cruel to her. I am seriously going to have to be tactical in what I say as I try to avoid conflict.

[dfiant]

Just because your friend isn't bruising doesn't mean that she isn't being abused. The way that she is being treated and manipulated IS abusive.

When you see a friend suffering....be it a child or adult...if you stand on the outside and let this cycle continue you are enabling the abuser/bad parent etc.

Do you get involved? What does your heart say????

[Rainbowmum]

All that is needed for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.

[zeon]

I would still say that raising a voice of concern isnt anything bad to do however remember to use evidential points to put across such as dates and times