2 Year Relationship - Rocky Like Balboa.

[LovelySkyy]

We've been together for two years now. We have had our break ups, and our last one (Nov. 2011) was pretty intense.

His mom decided she was going to try and play matchmaker with an old friend of his who moved to Louisville (3 hours away from where I am) from Utah where they are from. For the entire month of October, he treated me like shit, my 22nd birthday was HORRIBLE. On his birthday that previous June, I bought him a cute Tweety t-shirt, Tweety rings that went on the cake, flowers, candy, the whole nine.

We fought on mine. And come to find out, he was talking to this dude from Louisville.

We were having a lot of trouble with money at the time. He barely helped me pay any bills, and finally I said to him (while on break at work) that if he didn't help me pay the bills, that he needed to find somewhere else to stay. (He was with his mom). He freaked out, broke up with, and drove back to our apartment from his Moms (which was 30 minutes away). Told me he was packing his stuff, and for me not to come while he was there.

I started balling, told my managers that I had to go, and bummed a ride with a friend at work. His Mom was there (mind you, I had no idea what she was doing behind my back...trying to get her son to leave me for this guy who had more money, nice cars, and was renovating his new house).

She ended up getting in between us and I layed it out for her. They used to stick him down in the basement or attic everytime they moved, and I called her on it. Told her that I cleaned her house everyday when I lived with her (even after working all day) because thats how I was raised. Clean for you Momma, shes tired.

They kicked me out after 3 months. I had just found a job and everything was going great. They were like my family, and they cut me down.

(Mind you, when they kicked me out, I had to come back to my hometown, and during this time which was the end of of 2010, that same guy she was trying to play matchmaker with was sexting me me evening, and I sent him a pic of my shirt raised, which wasn't right since that was a.) one of my boyfriends friends, and b.) we were dealing with a long distance relationship because of his family. I told him that Chaka, my boyfriend, would be mad if he found out what he was trying to do. 3 days later, he told Chaka that sexted him, and he was only testing me to find out how loyal I was to Chaka.)

WOOO...*breathe*
Sorry, went on a total rant, but its relevant to the story,

We got into it real bad, he took a bunch of my clothes, destroyed my apartment (threw a jack-o-lantern at my wall). Got physical with me in front of his mom, etc. (theres so much more to this story..)

He left.

Didn't text me for days, but his best friend informed me about the guy from Louisville, and that he was leaving me for him and that he had been talking to him for a while. I was heated.

He finally came back to me after much reluctance, and every since then things have been different. I know he loves me but he is so spiteful towards me at times, I just want to cry.

This past week has been terrible, and I now call him Mr. 3 Months because every three months (no bullshit) he wants to break up with me. He pushes me away until I get so frustrated I get mad. When I get mad, we argue more, and he never wants to talk, he wants to mock me and make fun of me.

Well, last night, he brought me flowers (first time, ever, in 2 years) and chocolates, and a new pair of basketball shorts and told me he was sorry. (The night prior, and every other night pretty much, we would argue and he would tell me he doesn't mean it when he says sorry, so he doesn't say it.)

After we talked a little bit, and I hugged him, and rubbed his back and kissed his face, and rubbed his booty, he proceeds to tell me that some new guys started at his work.

The first I question I asked (because I am the least jealous person in the world, and I think its cute when he talks about other guys, DEFINITELY not a mutual thing between us, he is SUEPR jealous) was "Are they hot".

He gave me that look like "Shit" and smiled.
He told me one of them looked like his cousin (which is like, instant-boner hot lol) and another guy who was pretty cute too. Heres the catch.

He's been giving one of them a ride home for past week! We have had PROBLEMS all week, and we haven't had sex either. Mind you, he is a sex addict and wants it all the time, not to mention he used to trick himself out (i got him away from all that...he used to call me his Superman..)

Theres sooo much more to this story, and I wish I could tell you guys everything and I really could, but I don't want to bore you.

Why is he so mean to me? When I clean everyday for him regardless of what Im doing ,I wash his clothes, take care of his cats, etc. Why does he push me away every 3 months? Do you think he's cheating on me? Or talking to other guys? =\

Also, the other night, he told me that I was acting just like his exes before they cheated on him and were so frustrated they couldn't just break up with him. I was like WOWW are you serious? This is history repeating itself, he knows exactly what buttons to press and which GOOD ones not to.

He barely gives me any affection, either =\ I have to beg for just a little pec on the lips.
Unless we are getting ready to have sex, Im nothing. Im nobody. I feel unattractive and worthless. =\

And now, that he's giving me flowers and stuff, I really don't know what to think.
Help.

[LovelySkyy]

Bumping this. Would really like some outside advice. :redface:

[Gizzie]

I dunno.... You relationship minds me of my best friend who was caught up with a domestically violent guy for over eight years.

If you can live with the drama there is no stopping you, but if you want to stop being treated like shit every three months, then maybe you just have to look for another guy...

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Sorry Skyy I did not see this yesterday or earlier.

How many other people would you allow to pull this kind of 'crap' on you?

What he is doing is using you. He wants a higher paying position as a lover (he's a gold digger), he has no respect for you unless it serves his purpose. He is willing to tear up the house and god only knows what else and shows you no iota of affection.

That is abuse. He is abusing you. Emotionally and mentally at the very least, if not indeed physically as well.

He is unhealthy as an individual and nothing you said demonstrates that he is really working on changing that.

Considering what you said about Momma I have a feeling the whole family passes down this tradition of using people and tossing them aside when they find someone else to use.

From what you said, YOU have an Apartment. YOU have a job. YOU are responsible, YOU are polite. YOU take care of him, clean up after him and all manner of things that technically he should get down on his knees and sing you praises.

I don't hear any halleluiahs coming from that direction.

I strongly advice you to seriously consider dropping him, his momma and his friends (this includes his hot, hot cousin too) and be an individual for, oh 6 months to a year then put yourself back on the market.

There are much better men out there, men who will be affectionate to you, men who will bring you flowers more than once every two years, men who won't scream at you and threaten to leave every 3 months. Men who, if jobless and unable to do for themselves would at the very least fall to their knees to sing your praises.

This fellow ain't the one.

[pellaz]

He barely gives me any affection, either =\ I have to beg for just a little pec on the lips.
Unless we are getting ready to have sex, Im nothing. Im nobody. I feel unattractive and worthless. =\
And now, that he's giving me flowers and stuff, I really don't know what to think.
Help.

ask him why the flowers? tell him you like the flowers but outline his previous attitude and ask why the change. Than propose; some thing along the lines you have to say he needs to behave for longer than three months or your not taking him back next time. Say your willing to fix this or that about your self but he HAS to improve because next time he is out. Arguments are one thing, tell him, but storming out the door is another.

tell us what you think of this, how would you change it.

is he using you

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Skyy,
First let me say I am so very sorry that you are treated like that.
You deserve so much better ,and you can do so much better for yourself.

Babe what you described is the cycle of abuse , right down to the honeymoon period , where he is sweet and falling over himself to get you back.

Do me a favor and look at the image below, take a real hard look.



Link

Can you relate?
If you can , know this there is nothing to be ashamed of .
I have been there babe , I know the symptoms , I know the guilt , the low self esteem., the manipulation , emotional blackmail and the endless mind games.

There is light at the end of the tunnel babe , you can get help.

Here for you

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Pellaz,

While I can understand the whole notion of working through this and maybe getting things to change, the truth is that few abusers change when they are in a relationship. Those that do change their tune do it after a few failed relationships, lots of therapy and other stuff.

The problem is the victim of abuse. We, the victims, tend to have certain behaviors and personalities that lead the abuser back to their own behaviors. I can say from my own personal experiences that I was drawn to abusers. So one after another I kept falling for the same person - granted different bodies, but the same personalities and much of my own behaviors and willingness to comply to their ego's opened the door to abuse.

No I never stood there and said 'Oh please abuse me.' However many of my behaviors made it clear that I was willing to play this game.

People pleasing/caretaker mentality. Like Skyy I go way beyond rational limits to 'take care' of my partner. I also allow a lot of things to slide in an attempt to smooth over the relationship - these sorts of behavior give the green light to a potential abuser. Even in this long term 14+ year relationship I am currently in I still fall to the same behaviors. But then my current partner is not the type to even dream of taking advantage (oh he does in a few ways.... not abusively though).

An abuser in such a relationship will be tempted way to much to fall back into their own behaviors. Its too easy. Its like having a crack addict try to live in a house full of crack and paraphernalia - the temptation is too great, eventually they will use.

[LovelySkyy]

Everyone. Thank you for your advice. I truly do appreciate it.
Today was pretty crappy to be honest with ya.
I bleached my hair out and he freaking hates it

Said it looked "trashy".

Im just trying to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do.

I forgot to say that I am on unemployment right now, and even though this
apartment is in my name, it would be really hard for me to hold it down on
such low income.

A part of me wants to go to Texas and live with my brother <3
Been thinking about that for quite awhile actually.....I just don't
want to leave my momma.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Excuses to stay with the abuser...

Yeah that's typical too.

If you really are in such a state where there is really nothing to hold you down, no job, no apartment - then sell whatever you can and go to your brother.

Fresh start and all of that. Does a body good.

[minhthien94]

yeah.

Show him what u got LovelySkyy :biggrin:. He is not the one u should cry for, save it for someone else. I mean U are so much much more than him in everything.

I believe after this, just give yourself enough time and space to manage your money and u don't have to move anywhere,