Am I outing my husband? NEED advice on how to make him okay with himself.

[CommittedWife]

My husband and I have known each other over 6 years, been together 3, married 1(We are 22 now.) We are expecting our first baby in December. I know he loves me wholeheartedly and nothing is going to change that. We have a very open and honest relationship due to the fact before we got married we made a pact to tell each other any secrets we had kept in our relationship. Mine were about how I had mistakenly kissed his friend one evening out of jealousy when we had started dating, his on the other hand was telling me he had slept with a boy. Not just any boy, his best friend since he was 4. It was the only time I had ever seen my husband cry, he told m about how much he regretted it, and was so ashamed for letting it happen. He knows that I pass no judgement and never have, and I didn't want to pry because I could see how much he wasn't ready to talk about it. Over a year has passed since then and we haven't really had too much discussion about it, our sex life is average, but I can tell sometimes he isn't happy, or doesn't want to 'perform,' He always pleases me but would just rather not have sex himself a lot of the times. We have experimented in anal play, both ways, and he seems to enjoy this(not that I directly correlate sexual likes with sexual orientation.) As we have become even closer in the past year I've known I wanted to talk with him more about his past and accept that it is a part of who he is, or at least an experience that has changed part of him and there is no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed by it. Last night, out of the blue I asked him about it in a nice way, I just asked him to explain the best he could what happened and I would just listen. He had sexual relations with the same friend from the time he was 10 until he was 17 at least once a month up to several times a week, before and after he slept with females. He says that he has always just had sex, no snuggling, no kissing, nothing other than sex, and that he was the main initiator, and that one day he just didn't want to anymore. I could see he was still upset, and I just tried to reassure him that I love him no matter his past (he knows that I have had various encounters with other women.) We just had an open conversation about why he feels so guilty about it, mostly stemming from our deep southern families ideas of 'values.' I just want him to 'come to terms'(as he calls it) with what he has experienced and what it means for him. I asked if he feels like maybe he is missing that in his life now, and he admits that he could easily have sex with another man again, but he doesn't know if that makes him gay. I just try to explain to him that we don't need labels, I love him, I know he loves me, and I just want him to be his absolute happiest which I can see he really isn't now. I asked him would he consider testing the waters with another guy, that maybe this friend from his past was just a stepping stone. Someone he was sexual but not intimate with because he wasn't the right person, (I know there are plenty of people I have slept with for sex and just not felt that romantic spark.) He said that it may appeal to him but he wants me to set limits? I don't think I really have any limits as long as he is happy. I know he would never leave me, and our soon to be child, but I do want him to be happy maybe even with a long term partner if that is what ends up being right. I guess my question is I just need advice on what to do. He definitely is very timid, especially in this situation. Should we start with maybe trying to find someone to have a threesome with us(we have had a successful 2girl1guy 3some before Im not a jealous person), and gradually just let it be them, or should he start by trying to find an understanding person thats looking for a relationship, or would let him test drive what it would be like in a same sex relationship. I know inside he really doesn't like this uncertainty in his life and Im glad he is opening up to me about it. I really just want him to be as happy as he can be because I love him unconditionally. Sorry I know this has been a novel, but any advice would be great!

[Ind]

Hi CommitedWife, welcome to GS mile:

Firstly, let me say that you sound like an amazing wife. It's great to see that you are really supporting your husband and wanting what's best for him.

But I want you to think about yourself as well. How do you feel? Would you be happy being married to a gay husband? Wouldn't it be too much of a sacrifice?

Having said that, let's not jump to conclusions. Having had sex with a same sex parter, doesn't make one gay. Things happen, people make mistakes. Or just explore. Especially, during the teens. Also, it might be that your husband is bisexual.

I'd say, try to keep on talking about it but do not rush into anything. Maybe he's been a bit absent not because he's gay, but just because he's confused and worried. If you want to try bringing in new people, such relationships can work. But the golden rule is - have rules. Will it be just sex? Will he be allowed to see the guy again? And so on.. Maybe you could try watching porn together instead?

Give him time. I am sure he'll 'come to terms' eventually. And don't forget to think about how you feel too.

Hope this makes sense.

[pellaz]

he is supposed to out him self, why push something into the relationship, you may not know him as you think.

[mrk2010]

Personally I do t think you are outing him but let him have some time to come to terms with all these feelings he is having. If he is indeed gay, let him out himself and let him come to terms with who he is, it's really nice that he has a supportive wife :-) you should be proud of yourself :-)

[jamiebfd]

Everyone has some sort of encounter with the same sex at some point. Some repeat it...some dont.

In your husbands case... i would tell him to consider the possibility he is bisexual. If he can say he would sleep with another man but also can sleep with a woman then he is.

And i agree with the above post.... You sound like a truly amazing woman. Any man would be lucky to have such a wife. Top respect to you.
But also keep your own feelings in the picture.
What if he is gay?
where does that leave you?

[myapple]

First of all, you sound like one hell of a wife. I love how open minded you are. But like Ind said, how would YOU feel about it? and you are kinda shoving this gay thing down his throat. Let him find himself first. He'll come around.

[Spades]

My advice would be not to pressure him, to be supportive of him and to be his best friend. All of which you already are so just give him time to 'deal' and let him come out to you be it gay/bi/curious

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Let it be.

He 'confessed' something to you and you have fixated on it.

Granted, I applaud your strength of character and willingness to be open minded and care enough to place this much time and effort on 'his problem', however pushing the subject may ruin that openness and honesty you two share in other matters.

I have to wonder, during the past year that the subject has come up, does he bring it up or do you bring it up? You brought it up 'out of the blue' - how honest are you being there?

Did it just come up out of the blue or has this subject been simmering on some back burner and your curiosity, your desire to 'fix' a problem lead up to you taking the opportunity to revisit the question?

I think you two need to settle on the 'He's Bisexual' label for this time. And not just as a discussion point, but as a point of how you think about everything.

Assume now - until he decides otherwise - if ever - that he is bi-sexual.

Being Bi-sexual doesn't mean he must go out and bag men and women to be fully satisfied with life. Plenty of straight men get married to one women while they may lust after other women, look at porn and even fantasize about other women they do not need to actually act on that.

Bisexuals do not need to act on having sex with either gender when they are in a committed relationship.

This is ultimately his 'problem' to figure out. He has to think about it and feel his way (emotionally) through the events of his past and reconcile them with his present. While I understand your desire to help him - after all you two are a couple and that is to be expected - he needs to define himself.

Like it or not uncertainty is a part of life and living. We all have a bit of uncertainty, and it is the exploration of ourselves in our current situations (without going to extremes to test drive other things) that we either reconcile that uncertainty or learn to live with it.

Right now I say you focus on the present. you have a baby on the way. Either way that baby has two parents - regardless of the sexual orientation of the parents.

The fact that both mommy and daddy can talk about a subject that most couples would kill to not talk about means that at the very least you two are very good friends. This gives me high hopes for that child that is on the way.

I would suggest that you put this particular pot back on the back burner and let present moment things take up your attentions. After baby is born see how he feels.

Pregnancy and having 3 AM feedings and diaper changes changes people. There is something about caring for an infant that helps to define much about people - what they want in life takes second to what baby needs in life.

If he brings up the subject and wants to talk about it, by all means talk about it. But do try to stop pulling the subject 'out of the blue'. For now. After baby is born, after you two have settled to some sort of routine you may entertain three-ways not as a subject of what he desires (only) but what your two want in life.

Since you have had sexual encounters with women, perhaps couple's swapping may be in the cards? It may be that finding a bisexual couple and both of you meeting for liaisons may actually satisfy some urges in both couples.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello and welcome to G.S.

Are you outing him ? Yes without a doubt you are.
I really think you are amazing and he is so very lucky to have you in his life.
That being sad ,perhaps he needs time to figure things out for himself.

Very soon you will going from a couple to a family , you will have another person to think about.
Parenthood brings out some extremely strong emotions in a person.
Mothers are not the only ones that are protective , becoming a father changes a man , changes his priorities in life.

Give him time to adjust to his sexuality , do not push him.
You are an extremely supportive person and I admire you for that, but this is his sexual journey of discovery.

[BeautifulBlue]

Any man would be happy to have you as his husband.

Like others have said, it might just be an admittance to you and he may have guilt over it due to his upbringing. If he brings it up again, just tell him there's nothing wrong with it and that you're completely fine with it. If, like others have said, he is bisexual, that's his issue to conquer, not yours. If you are, however, willing to let other people into the relationship, good on you. Polyamority is a bit of a complex thing though, so I'd be careful.