Seeking advice

[archubbycub]

THIS IS KILLING ME!!!! Inside I know that I am attracted to men, even if I've never had in sort of physical relationship with another man. I have done everything I know to do to try and change this, to ignore it, to make it go away an nothing works. I have told her that I do love her but I'm not in love with her. I've told her that I can't even get aroused without thinking about another man. I've told her that I will still support her an the kids, but she keeps fighting me on all of this and saying she knows beyond anything that I am in love with her and have been from day one and she's not going to let me leave. She's even hinted that if I leave her she's going to kill herself. I can't have that on my conscience for the rest of my life!! I am going out of mind!!!

[Nick9]

Hi,

how long have you felt that way? And how long has she known? Give her time. If you feel like the household is going crazy, tell her you will try to take a month for thinking it over. Maybe she will stop panicking that you will leave in an hour. Set some rules (sex) and give her chance to think about it.

What do you think that matters more for her - the divorce or the fact that you are gay?

[archubbycub]

Honestly, I have felt attracted to guys since I was 14, but I've just recently come to the point that I can openly admit it. And as far as what matters to her I honestly think it's the idea of me no longer being her husband. She keeps on saying how she can't live without me and she doesn't know how she'll go on if I leave.

[Nick9]

I guess that's natural and understandable. There will be many things to pay for and many things to change.
I think you should make a list of those things (for you) and try to come up with a solution - how you will share the expenses etc.
You will see then how easy the solution will be (for both of you) or how difficult. You can also tell her that you will stay close (if you intend to), so that if there is a problem in the beginning, she can ask you for help.

[princealbertofb]

Arch, I don't think she will kill herself... at least not without giving it serious thought. That's emotional blackmail; a very powerful form of control.

She will find it hard to adjust, of course, to you not being her husband any more, there's no doubt about that. But it's not as if you are taking everything away from her or pulling the carpet under her feet. You'll still be there to support her and the children because you are committed. She'll still have you as a friend, right?

She gains nothing in holding on to what is inevitably going to become undone. But I agree with Nick that you need to give each other some time to come to a decision. I think what she doesn't realise is that if you don't lead your life the way it needs to be, you're the one who's likely to take your life, and then she will definitely lose you forever.

You could maybe tell her that, and see how that spins the tables. I think she's trying to fukc with your mind, and it's working. I'm sure it's all well intended, and she's thinking of her couple and her marriage and the children, but honestly the marriage won't survive if you start venting your frustrations.

What might be a good idea would be to get some kind of couple guidance, in which you could both expose your views and needs and fears and have a 'stranger' help you see through all the issues in an adult and thoughtful way. Get this help from a professional but not one with a religious agenda.

[princealbertofb]

Thank you Nick! I'm honestly crying tears of relief right now from your post. I know she's hurt and scared and feeling alone. I guess it's hurtin me to see her that way because I still care for her, even if I don't have those same "husband" emotions for her. And it hurts that she keeps throwing the kids in my face too. But I've tried to explain to her and to them that no matter what happens, I will always love them and be there for them. Even if they don't want me around.

The thing is, Archubbycub, that we never set out to hurt someone on purpose when we come out.... but because we've been brainwashed with all this straight bs all our lives, it's difficult to see the light. I just wish people would be a little less blind to what humankind is really like. I think you need a right now.
My partner was once in your situation although he was older than you at the time. His wife was constantly belittling him and insisting that he was not gay (they were Mormons, so that figures, right?) to the point where he often thought of taking his life. What kept him alive was his commitment and deep deep love of his children. He has six.

At the time we met online, I invited him over, only to get him away from his horribly uncomfortable and unloving family situation. We never planned to fall in love. All I wanted to give him was a little respite and comforting advice and solace.

Ten years later we are still in a relationship (albeit a Long distance one) and very much in love.... It has changed his life, his outlook on life and (fortunately) his kids and ex wife still talk to him. She was even gracious to me when we met at his father's funeral. I hear they now talk much more calmly and like two old friends. The situation has cleared up somewhat. I still don't know if she still thinks gays don't exist (she's still a Mormon).

[archubbycub]

Albert - that's just it! She refuses to see any other councilor other than our pastor! I spoke with him yesterday just because I needed to talk to someone about this other than family face to face, and quiet honestly it felt good to admit these feelings like that, bu I know he is coming at this from a religious stand point and he thinks I'll be able to find a way to not have these desires and needs anymore. He was very understanding, he even told me that I had done the right thing by admitting this (the first time I've heard that face to face since this started). He just let me vent and say whatever I wanted to say, but I know in the end he thinks I'm going to be cured of this.

And you're also right about me thinking about taking my own life. I've already had those thoughts, even before now, but what's stopping me is one I'm too afraid to try and two I know what it will do to my children. I almost wish I hadn't said anything now!

[archubbycub]

You know, I had a friend a while back, before my wife and I got married, that I had a HUGE crush on!! I almost came out to him. I wish I ha been brave enough back then to say how I felt, even if it had ruined the friendship I still would have been out and I wouldn't be going through this hell now!

[archubbycub]

Sorry the post about her not wanting to see another councilor than our pastor was meant for Nick!

[Nick9]

Stop looking back you wouldn't have your sons either. Don't try to get the idea that your life was crappy up until now. I am sure it wasn't.

look ahead