He acts very feminine (gestures,mannerisms,etc.). I don't believe he's sexually active nor that he has a boyfriend. I saw where he text another boy saying "I like u and I think u look good." I'm prepared to take a supportive role but his dad is livid and thinks he's failed him as a father. He thinks that he can "change" him by forcing him to to "boyish" things. I have to be there for both of them; however, I don't know what to say to either of them. I havent spoken to my stepson yet because im afraid he'll become withdrawn. Any suggestions?
first off welcome go gayspeak, this is what GS does the best; so you will have friends and lots of information.
are you sure your son is gay. This is an important question It is up to him to figure it out. Gay a sexual preference only, we still work on cars, and like sports. Gay men are only 2-5% of the population. Gay men have careers, children and families. If he is gay there will be nothing that can turn him straight.
gay or straight its important to let your step son grow to be this own man.
Read up on being a 13year old boy in terms so you can talk to him. Counseling for your husband and your self will help and i recommend it as the boy turns 13. Parenting is not a god given skill. Google is your friend.
The only piece of advice I can give, let him come out on his terms if he is gay. Don't confront him on the subject, but perhaps drop subtle supportive suggestions, like discussing support of gay marriage at dinner or something.
IF the kids is gay, I'm not one for assuming anything when it comes to people's sexuality, his being effeminate may change, but his desire to be with another man when he grows up will not.
If Dad follows the course of action his son will start to hate him, his son may actually butch up - a lot, and IF the son is gay go so far deep in the closet that he may never come out to dad. But this may not actually stop him from acting out on his gay desires.
It could have a negative impact on how the kid expresses his sexuality. Instead of finding a (one) nice guy to settle down with, out of fear of being found out and pissing off dad he may go into serial monogamy, or not even bother with pretending at relationships and just do casual sex, preventing any man from getting close enough to him to form a lasting relationship.
All sons look up to dad. All sons seek their father's approval. Even sons like myself who were severely abused by their father have this desire (a sick compulsion really) to make dad proud and will do all manner of strange and self destructive behaviors in order to do the undo-able.
In this case, the son may actually go out, get married, have 2.5 kids in a serious attempt to be 'straight' in order to make dad proud. But at or around age 40 the kid will be a miserable man and become one more statistic who puts ads in personals as 'Straight Curious Man Seeking Discreet Day Time Encounters' - or worse, decide to throw off the bonds of matrimony, dump the kids and the little wife in order to make up for lost time and act like a 20-something year old thrice over attempting to sex his way to happiness with every Harry, Dick and Tom that comes along. :tongue:
There is only one right course of action in the 21st century, and that is to love the kid and accept the kid for who and what he is and may be. If the kids doesn't want to do sports, doesn't want to work on cars, has no idea how to operate a hammer or a screw driver, then that is just something one has to except.
If he has a sense of fashion, an eye for color and knows which hair product goes best with X type of hair, so be it. These are actually skills/talents that I personally lack and sometimes actually envy in others. Sometimes, usually I will throw on any old rags I have and don't care if my partner is embarrassed to death to be seen out in public with me. :biggrin:
The kid should be encouraged to follow his muse in life. If he wants to play the second gayest instrument on earth (the violin) so be it. That desire, and if he has any skill at it is worth nurturing. If he wants to be a hairdresser when he grows up, let him. Hair cutting may seem like a mundane task, but our whole society looks much better and places a great deal of importance on something as simple as how your hair is cut and how well it is cut.
IF he is into fashion don't stop him. Our society places even greater importance on who you wear and what the current fashion is. Never know, a small talent for fashion can mean that people will be talking about wearing his designs. That is a multi-trillion dollar industry.
Don't make a big deal out of his being gay - if he is. Either way, negatively or positively. Being gay (or straight or bi) is not a thing. It is just a minor detail that bigots and a society so far out of whack with reality has made a huge deal through centuries of self imposed imprisonment.
This is the 21st century. Skin color, religion, sexuality, gender, age, etc are minor details that are unimportant in being a person. Only those who are stuck in the 20th century (or earlier) makes a big deal out of such things anymore.
It can be that he is gay... or bisexual... but straight, too. As long as he don´´t talk about himself nobody can be sure
Important is ... be very careful what you talk about if he can hear it. Every word against "gay people" or "bisexuality" .... will prevent that he outs himself. If he feel loved and secure he will start talking but that can take a lot of time .. maybe a few years.
Watch his behavior ... and if someone - maybe in school - bullies him .. react immediately...show him that you protect him, that he is be loved as he is.
Father .... a father who refuses to recognize that his son can maybe be gay... is a big problem for the son. All forcing to "boyish things" the son will see as a kind of rejection ..and it will make the complete situation much harder.... tell your man he should let his son just do what he wants to do .... let him be like he wants to be. If his son is gay HE IS GAY.... and nothing will prevent that....
The Jesuits have a saying, "Give me the boy until age 7 and I'll give you the man."
The boy's father in this case needs to understand the die is cast.
He is who he is, and has been FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
Still, at this point, it's not totally obvious to the parents or even the boy. There is still more discovery to come. But underneath it all, the code is being executed exactly as programmed and there's nothing anyone can do to change it.
Patience, tolerance, love and SPACE is in order here.
Good luck.
What I could say is don't confront him directly on it, but let him know you are there to support him in ANYTHING he wants to talk about. Give him a warm loving environment in which he feels free and able to discuss anything an everything.
Your step son doesn't have a problem so really you don't need to focus on him, just let him be and if he comes to you for advice and support, just continue doing what you are doing...don't change. They key is to keep things around him 'normal' so that he doesn't feel isolated if in fact he is gay.
When I was his age I fell madly in love with another boy and spoke to each other like that, this other boy is now happily married with 3 beautiful children.
It's your partner that you have to worry about, you need to sit down and have a very long chat with him. Let him know that Homosexuality is not a choice but bigotry is. Let him know that there is NOTHING that he could have done differently as a parent that would change his sons sexuality. The only way your partner can fail his son as a father is to continue acting the way that he is. If it turns out his son is gay he isn't going to want anything to do with his father, or worse be made to feel so isolate that he will consider suicide and possibly act on it.
I mention suicide because it is a real concern with youth going through that phase of life with their sexual identity.
About a year ago a young boy a little older than your step-son posted a very emotional video, reduced many to tears, show you partner this video and other similar to it and ask your partner if he wants his sons to feel like this.
Lifesvr80 Wrote:He acts very feminine (gestures,mannerisms,etc.). I don't believe he's sexually active nor that he has a boyfriend ...
i left out one thing i normally say for these threads:
When was the last time a man or lady you know, gay or straight, had a 2000+ calorie day? That is when was the last time anyone poured a garage floor or drive way. Maybe up graded the ECU in the family car. re did the garage roofing. No, we all work in some sort of office in a team management and surf on the computer at home till bed. Masculine or feminine it is a disguise we wear because in modern times we all are feminine.
With only 2-5% of the population gay he is not likely gay. Rather he will grow up with an astonishing career; find the cure for cancer and or drive a race car.
looking at it on another angle; a gay man or lady should take offense to your thinking along the lies "because he or she acts very feminine he or she most likely is gay" Gay is a sexual preference only No we are not suck in the 90's
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