Thinking about others during sex

[Colorfulme]

I wanted to get some other guys opinions about something I've thought about for years. You see I've been in a relationship for 8 years. It's been fairly decent but for nearly a year I've been in counseling working though problems, to some success luckily

Is it normal to fantasize about other guys when having sex with your partner? If I'm truly honest with myself, I've rarely gotten turned by him. For this reason he usually has to initiate anything which is frustrating and leaves me constantly using porn to get off. It sounds so shallow but I don't find him cute. He's not my "type" necessarily in looks.

Luckily we get along amazingly and that makes up for what doesn't occur in the bedroom or even affectionately. I tell myself looks fade and a life companion is more important, usually that works. However I fall into this pattern after reading a book, seeing a movie, hearing about someone else's relationship, etc. that make me feel like something is missing. If anyone has any thoughts I'd be so happy to hear them.

[ESLteacher]

I've done it. A little variety in your head never hurts

[monk]

Do you love him?

Surely that's the biggest turn-on of all.

[BobInTampa]

What are you in counseling for and is there a connection between the "progress" you've made in therapy and the awareness you have of NOT being sexually turned on by your partner?

I"m going out on a limb here, but i'll bet that as you've worked thru some of your mental issues in therapy, you're also coming to understand that, perhaps, you are second-guessing your relationship with your bf.

Is sex the SOLE determning factor in a successful LTR - NO! Is NOT being sexually turned on by your partner of 8 years and feeling that sex is a burden or chore that you go thru to keep him happy (but it does nothing for you since he's not your "type" sexually), a problem? YES!

If you don't deal with this soon, one of 2 things is going to happen: You're going to cheat on him or he's going to cheat on you - and, unless you work thru this issue - i'm afraid you'll be "ok" with either of those 2 things happening - it's an exit strategy you're probably working thru!

Can you answer my first question? "What are you in counseling for and is there a connection between the "progress" you've made in therapy and the awareness you have of NOT being sexually turned on by your partner?"

[pellaz]

sometimes both of you just taking a shower at night or sleeping with less clothes on makes a noticeable difference and maybe not. I bet he dosnt care what you are thinking so long as the sex is good. If you have been with your partner 7-8years this is a known critical time in a relationship. Most break ups happen then.

if you can afford both the money and time go to some couples group sessions. Start lo cost and see if it works for you guys. Incorporate the group session into a vacation or something.

put a value on your relationship. I mean get your car stolen, loose a job but to have a husband there at your side is important.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Most of sex takes place between the ears, not between the legs.

It is what we are thinking that makes sex either a bad experience or the best damn sex we ever had.

Many people think of other people - fantasize about having sex with another person while having same sex with their partner (all marriages/long term relationships are same sex).

We humans are wired for variety. humanity would not exist if we were strictly monogamous. Monogamy is a man-made construct that defies the natural order (for us). Monogamy does serve fore-brain needs, thus is needed to a point, but we have a large hind brain which developed (as well as our bodies) to spread the seed far and wide.

Males are more prone to look for other partners (mentally or physically) as we are designed to spread our seed as far and wide as possible. Even the shape of the penis and the act of all of that pumping is to 'suck-out' competing semen before depositing our own.

The rational part of your brain is seeking a long term monogamous relationship - monogamy does serve its purposes and makes higher brain thinking relationships work. However you are still dealing with that animal hind brain and it needs to be satisfied as well, thus the brain concocts stories of sex with other people in order to satisfy its need for variety at the same time providing us with that much needed monogamy by 'acting' like we are monogamous.

Few people openly discuss their fantasy(s). But we all have the from time to time, and the further you travel into a same-sex relationship, same sex day after day, week after week, month after month year after year... (Sounds horrible no? :biggrin the more fantasizes are going to play out.

This is why couple's counselors are keen on throwing out role playing to couples - break the monotony, make it feel like 'new sex' with a 'new' person. If your man never wears leather and suddenly dons a leather harness, a leather cup and a leather cap suddenly you are having sex with a brand new, interesting person....

Always understand that sex is supposed to be the icing on the cake. The cake is the other aspects of your relationship, the love, commitment, companionship, co-worker/co-player roles you have in all of the other aspects of the relationship.

If your only problem is he is not your physical type, then you are doing far better than many other couples who have serious conflicts between personalities and behaviors that a little mind masturbation can't fix.

[East]

I have always talked openly about my fantasies and encouraged my partner to do the same and in my opinion it is probably one of the best ingredients in a relationship.

The problem in my opinion is we are all encouraged to idealize love from the moment we pop out of the womb and it is ridiculous because so many people leave miserable lives with or without someone because of the stupid ideals other people planted in their head about how they "should" feel that they try to uphold...and then they die. What a waste...

Truth is...we are all sexual beings and having fantasies is completely normal so instead of shaming and guilting yourself and living in fear...own them...celebrate them...share them with your partner...

[princealbertofb]

Most of sex takes place between the ears, not between the legs.

...

Many people think of other people - fantasize about having sex with another person while having same sex with their partner (all marriages/long term relationships are same sex).

...

Bowyn, what on earth did you mean by that? Same sex?

[Colorfulme]

Do you love him?

Surely that's the biggest turn-on of all.

I do, though sometimes it feels more platonic.

What are you in counseling for and is there a connection between the "progress" you've made in therapy and the awareness you have of NOT being sexually turned on by your partner?

I"m going out on a limb here, but i'll bet that as you've worked thru some of your mental issues in therapy, you're also coming to understand that, perhaps, you are second-guessing your relationship with your bf.

Is sex the SOLE determning factor in a successful LTR - NO! Is NOT being sexually turned on by your partner of 8 years and feeling that sex is a burden or chore that you go thru to keep him happy (but it does nothing for you since he's not your "type" sexually), a problem? YES!

If you don't deal with this soon, one of 2 things is going to happen: You're going to cheat on him or he's going to cheat on you - and, unless you work thru this issue - i'm afraid you'll be "ok" with either of those 2 things happening - it's an exit strategy you're probably working thru!

Can you answer my first question? "What are you in counseling for and is there a connection between the "progress" you've made in therapy and the awareness you have of NOT being sexually turned on by your partner?"

I went to therapy to help resolve our relationship issues and for non-related social anxiety. We've made our communication better, which is what I've seen improvement on. However, I've felt these feelings of not being turned on by him sexually since the early days of our relationship. There's a time when you can easily admit it and when that window passes, it becomes so painful to admit and makes me feel like an awful person

[Colorfulme]

sometimes both of you just taking a shower at night or sleeping with less clothes on makes a noticeable difference and maybe not. I bet he dosnt care what you are thinking so long as the sex is good. If you have been with your partner 7-8years this is a known critical time in a relationship. Most break ups happen then.

if you can afford both the money and time go to some couples group sessions. Start lo cost and see if it works for you guys. Incorporate the group session into a vacation or something.

put a value on your relationship. I mean get your car stolen, loose a job but to have a husband there at your side is important.

I've tried numerous ideas brought up in therapy for brining more entertainment to our sex lives, all of them for the most part have been shot down. The worst part is he doesn't like anal. We've only done it once which was great for me but "disgusting" for him. I guess for him the whole thought seems unnatural regardless of how clean things are.

Couples therapy might be something to look into. I've been trying to work though this, I agree it's not something to take lightly.

Most of sex takes place between the ears, not between the legs.

It is what we are thinking that makes sex either a bad experience or the best damn sex we ever had.

Many people think of other people - fantasize about having sex with another person while having same sex with their partner (all marriages/long term relationships are same sex).

We humans are wired for variety. humanity would not exist if we were strictly monogamous. Monogamy is a man-made construct that defies the natural order (for us). Monogamy does serve fore-brain needs, thus is needed to a point, but we have a large hind brain which developed (as well as our bodies) to spread the seed far and wide.

Males are more prone to look for other partners (mentally or physically) as we are designed to spread our seed as far and wide as possible. Even the shape of the penis and the act of all of that pumping is to 'suck-out' competing semen before depositing our own.

The rational part of your brain is seeking a long term monogamous relationship - monogamy does serve its purposes and makes higher brain thinking relationships work. However you are still dealing with that animal hind brain and it needs to be satisfied as well, thus the brain concocts stories of sex with other people in order to satisfy its need for variety at the same time providing us with that much needed monogamy by 'acting' like we are monogamous.

Few people openly discuss their fantasy(s). But we all have the from time to time, and the further you travel into a same-sex relationship, same sex day after day, week after week, month after month year after year... (Sounds horrible no? ) the more fantasizes are going to play out.

This is why couple's counselors are keen on throwing out role playing to couples - break the monotony, make it feel like 'new sex' with a 'new' person. If your man never wears leather and suddenly dons a leather harness, a leather cup and a leather cap suddenly you are having sex with a brand new, interesting person....

Always understand that sex is supposed to be the icing on the cake. The cake is the other aspects of your relationship, the love, commitment, companionship, co-worker/co-player roles you have in all of the other aspects of the relationship.

If your only problem is he is not your physical type, then you are doing far better than many other couples who have serious conflicts between personalities and behaviors that a little mind masturbation can't fix.

It's interesting to look at our natural instincts and that makes it clearer why monogamy can be so tricky. I believe in it though even if it's not in our instincts.

He's not one into role playing, toys, or anything exciting. It's usually very vanilla with him. Your right sex should be icing on the cake, and that's what I've told myself but it's so difficult to keep doing that after 8 years. It feels like I'm missing out on something.

It could be worse in our relationship, I try to remind myself that. Still it seems wrong to have him so attracted to me all the while I do not find him to be my type.

I have always talked openly about my fantasies and encouraged my partner to do the same and in my opinion it is probably one of the best ingredients in a relationship.

The problem in my opinion is we are all encouraged to idealize love from the moment we pop out of the womb and it is ridiculous because so many people leave miserable lives with or without someone because of the stupid ideals other people planted in their head about how they "should" feel that they try to uphold...and then they die. What a waste...

Truth is...we are all sexual beings and having fantasies is completely normal so instead of shaming and guilting yourself and living in fear...own them...celebrate them...share them with your partner...

I'll try that, it's tough being open about your fantasies since they sometimes seem so silly and embarrassing :tongue:.

Love is idealized too often, I can't stand gay romance novels for that reason. I've tried not to do anything rash like breaking up knowing that. Still, it seems there should be some kind of spark or arousal over seeing my partner. Like the thought that I think he's cute. Hearing him say that and me not being able to reciprocate feels awful.