princealbertofb Wrote:I'm going to suggest two things. One, that he is shy... maybe more so with his parents, who must be intimidating the way our parents can be. I didn't come out to my mother till I was well in my forties, so it's not got everything to do with having a pair.
Two, it's much easier to say something to someone totally new, or someone who knows your real circumstances, which is why, I suppose, he's being honest with you about wanting this relationship. You have been his 'rock', since his family isn't. I'm not surprised he's trying to hold on. It's a bit like being tossed away at sea and having nothing to cling on otherwise.
So is it better to let him know he's not dead to me, or to let him wallow?
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I must say, I saw the parallel East was mentioning too.. It looked a bit like the pot calling the kettle black but was unfair due to your own 'longer' experience of life (and maybe rejection).
I'd like to ask this question:
Why is it that you know this relationship won't work? Is it because you have persuaded yourself that it was just a rebound thing? Or is there anything that would be worth salvaging?
Why do you want the relationship to be over?
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Look, every time you show him compassion or empathy, you are fueling that flicker of love he still has for you. Quit trying to help. Let him know you are sorry, but remind him that you are not good for him and, that he needs to stop trying to lean on you and, move on with his life.
Don't be the nice guy here, a little tough love is in order, make him sort it out in his way, on his time.
Yes it's harsh, but it's what's best for him at this point. Continuing to attempt to comfort him is only dragging him further through the muck you already left for him to clean up. He's still depending on you for comfort and support, and that isn't good - you're the elder here so, it's up to you to break that off and, let him find himself and, his own strength.
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Counselor Wrote:So is it better to let him know he's not dead to me, or to let him wallow?
I'd go with East's splendid suggestion to be totally honest. Think about what you haven't told him, presumably not to hurt his feelings. When you talk to him, really listen to what he has to say. Then ask him to really listen to you. You may need someone else in the room to help you not get at each other's throats pointlessly.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Excuse me if I sound really mean here.
But you are responsible here.
Horribly, and I want you to think of it as horribly - you have ripped out his innocent heart and are now jumping up and down on it, seemingly without remorse or understanding of the consequences of your actions.
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Steady on, thats rather harsh don't you think?
I mean a few of us have been through the whole rebound thing and its not pleasant at the best of times. Ive been there and sometimes the rebound thing is the only way to get back some of your self-esteem and confidence.
The OP posted asking for advice, and recognises that things could/should of been handled differently, that in itself should tell you something.
We are supposed to be a community and a source of advice, thats why the OP posted here. Attacking him in this way is not helping anyone, and its certainly not providing any advice, constructive or otherwise! 
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princealbertofb Wrote:I'd go with East's splendid suggestion to be totally honest. Think about what you haven't told him, presumably not to hurt his feelings. When you talk to him, really listen to what he has to say. Then ask him to really listen to you. You may need someone else in the room to help you not get at each other's throats pointlessly.
We aren't nasty to each other, and we're still talking. I've been trying to avoid hanging out with him "for old time's sake", so that we have a clear line drawn. Every time he sends a text that says "i want to cuddle", or something similar, I ask him if he thinks it's a good idea, or if he usually cuddles with his ex after a break-up. I try to make him answer with his own conclusions and not taking any actions I think will make things worse.
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OlderButWiser Wrote:Steady on, thats rather harsh don't you thinkWe are supposed to be a community and a source of advice, thats why the OP posted here. Attacking him in this way is not helping anyone, and its certainly not providing any advice, constructive or otherwise!
You may think he's out of line, but that doesn't make him wrong. I knew I wasn't certain about this relationship early enough to stop it, but I got scared of losing a potential friend and making another person cry.
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Counselor Wrote:We aren't nasty to each other, and we're still talking. I've been trying to avoid hanging out with him "for old time's sake", so that we have a clear line drawn. Every time he sends a text that says "i want to cuddle", or something similar, I ask him if he thinks it's a good idea, or if he usually cuddles with his ex after a break-up. I try to make him answer with his own conclusions and not taking any actions I think will make things worse.
1) Does he have an ex?
2) Have you said: "It's over. Now I'm also an ex."?
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Counselor Wrote:You may think he's out of line, but that doesn't make him wrong. I knew I wasn't certain about this relationship early enough to stop it, but I got scared of losing a potential friend and making another person cry.
We all make mistakes. It is also possible that it made you feel good about yourself, which, in itself, is not wrong.
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princealbertofb Wrote:Why is it that you know this relationship won't work? Is it because you have persuaded yourself that it was just a rebound thing? Or is there anything that would be worth salvaging?
Why do you want the relationship to be over?
He and I want different types of relationships. I've only been out of the closet for just under 11 months. I'm not used to the idea of strolling around town holding another man's hand, let alone actually acting it out. When I didn't want to hold his hand, he would say, "oh, I'm sorry, you want to pretend we're straight", when that wasn't the issue for me at all. When I realized he wanted a different type of relationship, I knew I needed to either change the current relationship or end it. I tried to change it, because I thought it could work.
There was also his family, which he is really big on, since he was raised Mormon (religion is another problem I have). I have never been really big on family, and I had this small feeling like I
was being slowly reined in by his parents, which I didn't like at ALL.
Then add the fact that I didn't know him for a while month when we started this relationship. We weren't even friends. But I was lonely and more than a little suicidal, and I met a kid that liked me, and it made me feel really happy that someone wanted me. Now I've dragged him through my emotional mud and he's hurt and angry and still wants me and it IS my fault, and I don't know how to make sure he's okay without making him more attached and hurting him more!
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