High School...In the Closet

[Canucker]

I'm Canadian, I'm in Grade 10 in High School, and 16...I am just coming to different gay forums and stuff to meet people and tell my story (thats still in progress...) I find it helps.

Okay then, well I have known I was gay since about first grade I would say. I liked this boy in my Grade 1 class (who was my first crush), and I've known I was different since then. I've been in denial for a lot of years.

My parents are both socially conservative on this issue. Their political views oppose gay marriage, gay adoption, etc. They always make these comments like "Gays are everywhere now days", and things. Being in the closet and hearing these bigoted comments really strains my relationship with my parents. I love them, and lately we have been fighting more, and my parents don't know why...I do though, its because I despise these comments about homosexuality, they make.

My mother has the whole Christian Evangelical aspect (my dad is a Christian, but more of the husband that just goes along with it for the overly-religious wife). Man o man, this is part of the reason I have been in deep denial for a long time. My mother believes its not normal, its a sin, abomination, immoral, etc. One night we were just having a religious discussion about abortion and stuff, and she told me "you know what the other immoral thing is right? Homosexuality, its not normal and sinful". I shrugged the comment off and moved on. But for a lot of years I honestly believe it was a sin, and if I ever acted on my impulses I would go to Hell someday.

So my relationship is good with my parents, but I constantly have this underlieing anger towards them for the comments. And I know my parents know. You know what I mean? Its like you know that deep down they know and are in denial also....but when you know they know and they make those comments, it really really pisses you off.

I finally came out to myself (out of my denial) this recent Christmas. My older brother (who is very much older me, 16 years older actually, he's 31) was home for X-mas and during a game of chess late at night I told him. He has been great - amazing. He told me has known for a long time, but didn't want to bring it up then have me go nuts, he was waiting for me to come to him...see I knew my brother knew for a lot of years, because he always put out these hints that he knew, and I always shrugged 'em off, and because of those hints he helped me be able to tell him. That night we talked for hours and hours about the future, religion, life, etc. It was one of the best nights live so far.

Since then I have had the guts to tell 3 more friends I trust - who have all been great.

I guess I've decided to slowly tell more people in my life I trust and love, and when I graduate from High School, and when I finally am living on my own in a dorm at University, I will tell my parents. I'm choosing this execution plan, for 2 main reasons:

a) When I come out I don't have to be around my parent's everyday when their dealing with it all.

b) I can start university, and a whole new social surrounding out of the closet. It would be moronic to start university in the closet still, I should take the opportunity of a new social surrounding to start out as myself.

I fear telling my parents the most, but its my life and I know I have to do it. I know their love is unconditional, and I know they would never do anything like throw me out or cut off any financial support or anything draconian like that. They aren't like that, their just bigoted to it all.

See my mom is the type who would probably pray for me to change....see my brother went from Christian to Agnostic a couple months ago, and now my mom is "fighting him on her knees" (i.e. praying for him to come back to Christianity). So I fear that when I do it they'll tolerate me, but they may never truly accept who I am without certain judgment[HTML][/HTML], or wishes for me to change.

Being raised in a Evangelical Christian Fundamentalist type structure, has made me completely re-evaluate my religious views. I can no longer take my black and white view point. My beliefs are focused on Jesus now and the fundamentals that Christ died on the Cross for my sins, to allow me to be forgiven and make it to Heaven. I don't care about anything else in the Bible, the core of my belief now is the message and teachings of Christ.

Another interesting aspect is I am Conservative. Well I do support same-sex marriage, and gay adoption, I am:

Against Abortion
Pro Death Penalty
Capitalist Economic Views
Free Market (No Protectionism)
The Right to Bear Arms (Guns)
Upholding some of the traditions of our past culture
etc.

I very much wish to be involved in politics some day. I'm lucky to be in Canada, as we do have our share of social conservatives in the Conservative Party of Canada, it is more moderate, and in no way to the level of the USA's Republicans.

Other issues is I am against gay pride...its as hypocritical for me as saying:

"I'm Here! I'm White! Get Used to It!" I don't believe in having pride or being proud in something I do not choose/decide. I don't by in to the left wing GBLT culture.

I also don't like the activist types who make their sexuality their entire identity. I'm gay, but I would hope people who know me someday would put that at a bottom of a list of details of me.

Anyways, I really am looking for advice, insight, comments...

[spotysocks]

Nice write up. Welcome to the forum by the way.

I dont know how sure you can be your parents have figured out you are gay and they are denial however i think it is quite possible and i would expect them to do exactly what they do now. Would say that this is the reason they make these comments... to fill you with as much prejudice and fear that religious dogmas can have with the intention to put you off from any 'evil thoughts'. Parents i believe mean well, at least most of the time. They try to do what they think is best even when they really dont always know what is best. I dont think they realize this only makes you a less happy person, and can make you in the future a less productive member of the society filled with fear and guilt. They just dont know the impact this can have. So that thought might help you with the anger you feel towards the anti-gay comments they make and dont charge them too harshly. When they say something about being gay ect just ignore; remember that this is what they think and try to be good parents the way they know but you still have to follow what your heart tells you.

It is great you came out to your brother and i think he must be a great guy. If was in your shoes i would have waited to come out to very religious parents when i will be able to stand on my two feet. The possibility that they will try other ways to put you in 'the right path , the path of God' using other methods to me seems quite real. Again... it wont be because they dont mean well but because they feel very strong about homosexuality and they will think is for your own good and saving your soul. Another attempt to put you off what you chose like they do now with anti-gay comments. I d say to take this in your consideration. In other words wait until you are strong financially and mentally to take whatever consequences come with any well thought out decision you make. That's the safest way to play your cards.

And to be honest whatever you believe in now regarding both religion and politics will probably change over the time. If you are lucky imo you will see that a balanced measure of an open mind ,a good spirit, accepting attitude is mostly what is good made of.

[wouldlikemuscle]

I'm glad to hear that your brother and friends you've told so far have all been really great! And I hope if you do decide to be out of the closet from the start of Uni that everything goes well!! That's one thing I wish I could go back on and been out from the start of uni... but hey ho! Sure everything will be fine on that respect.

As for your parents. I'm very much inclined to agree with spotysocks and wait until you are able to fend for yourself. Obviously there are gonna be breaks with semesters and summer hols where you may well be at home with your parents and it sounds that they definitely wouldn't take knowing that you're gay too well. Waiting till you are able to stand on your own two feet means you can keep the contact with them on your terms and not be co-erced or forced into anything you don't want to do - being of the overly religious nature, and where you are... wouldn't want to see you go through any kind of straight boot camp type thing.

Whatever you choose, I hope everything goes well for you though and you remain an active member here where I'm sure we will all be as supportive as we can!

[XRIMO]

Hello fellow Canucker,

I wish I had your bravery. I'm 22 and I still haven't come out to my parents, even though I know they would be perfectly fine about it. So you are a conservative, facing your own homosexuality and facing religiosity of your mother, oh my.

University is an excellent place to find yourself. At both the University of New Brunswick and the University of Western Ontario, I have seen many groups and services directed toward gay and lesbian students to help them overcome fears of coming out and to provide as much information as possible. So if you decide to wait until you reach university, you should have excellent resources to aid you on your journey.

You also said at the beginning of your message that you are finding forums to discuss your problem and meet people. That is an excellent idea as well. I have to say that I am so glad that I found this forum. Everyone here is friendly, and they are very helpful and wise. So stick around and post some more, you will be surprised some of the things that you can find out here.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in your venture!

[pocket_pilgrim]

hey canucker.

i am very proud of you and the mature way in which you ask yourself questions and have thus found the answers you needed. i think you have a very healthy logic and also a lot of self-awareness, which is always a necessary ingredient to making the right decisions and leading a happy life. i don't think your post asks questions, but it's rather an affirmation of yourself, so i won't give any answers.

instead i'd like to say i'm happy the people who know the real you have responded so well. you deserve it, and of course you realize they will be the first strong pillars you can construct your life upon. especially your brother. so you're on your way! exciting times. as for your parents, you can't change them, but hopefully their love for you will triumph over prejudice and excessive religiousness. your story reminds me a lot of the first gay film i saw - and that completely made me realize who i am then and there - latter days. it's slightly long and difficult at times, but i think it's rewarding if you know how to approach it.

so, cheers, and good luck!

and welcome to the board mile:

[Canucker]

I really don't want to live a lie all through university to my parents.

I mean it will be probably 10 years before I am "financially secure".

See my dad is a social conservative, like my mom, but he doesn't really have the whole religious aspect as much. He mostly just goes along with it because it is important to my mom.

And I don't believe they are the type who would throw me out or cut me off financially...and I do believe their love is truly unconditional. I worry if they would ever truly accept me, but yeah....and my brother yields a lot of influence over them, and has promised me if any bullshit occurs (like "straight camp", cutting financial support, etc.) he would deal with them for me...

*sigh*

[XRIMO]

You are very lucky to have someone like your brother in your life. I can't tell you how much I wished I had a sibling I could confide in, but alas I am an only child.

The decision of when to tell your parents is yours to make. When you do decide to tell them, I suggest having your brother there for support. I say that because it is hard to tell sometimes how people will react. Your brother would be your safety net should your parents be hostile (with words or otherwise).

Personally I am not religious, and if people throw the wrath of god in my direction I shrug it off because I don't care. I am aware that you have your beliefs, but don't be afraid to educate yourself with the history of religion vs. the history of homosexuality. I assure you, one pre-dates the other. Don't give up in what you believe, but don't be a victim of it either.

[Canucker]

your story reminds me a lot of the first gay film i saw - and that completely made me realize who i am then and there - latter days.

Awesome! I googled it and found the entire film on YouTube. Lol, my parents wouldn't be like that Mormon parents.

Thats so sad and depressing to watch, but happy at the end. Sometimes you have to just let go and live your own life.

[pocket_pilgrim]

Awesome! I googled it and found the entire film on YouTube. Lol, my parents wouldn't be like that Mormon parents.

Thats so sad and depressing to watch, but happy at the end. Sometimes you have to just let go and live your own life.

*hug* mile:

[Personal]

Okay, I too am on the jealous boat, I so wish I had a big brother like yours, what a great guy.

After experiencing the differences between high school and university for myself, I would definitely agree with your decision to come out to your parents later. The crowd of people will be a lot more supportive of you than what you might face from your teachers, and friends, in high school.

I’m pro you, keep it up.