Depression sucks big hairy balls

[Danno90]

Well I'm not "officially diagnosed" as having depression at the moment. I went to the Doctor about it in May and was on 2 months worth of medication, but I started to feel better and so didn't go back to finish the course. Stupid of me, I know. But I was told the meds I was on (Citalopram 20mg) could take 3 or 4 months for me to notice anything other than side effects... So I guess I thought me feeling in a better place meant I was coming out of depression naturally, not because of the drugs.

I felt OK for a few months, apart from a few minor wobbles.

Then big family drama happened in August (I live "at home" still... my then-step dad abducted my 13 year old sister for 48 hours... so we've had not only that but the backlash with police, social services, and the fact that he still works for the same store that I do).

Needless to say, things have been getting worse.

It started off just the odd off day. But more recently I've had days and whole weeks where I've just wanted to hide in bed. Not that I sleep much. I mean, I can sleep in until 6pm, but the earliest I get to bed is 4am, and often recently I've not been able to fully switch off til 7am. Which doesn't help at being up around midday for work.

The last couple of weeks have been especially tough. A few times I've felt as if I was moments away from a full blown breakdown. And I've had "episodes" of weirdness... At any time I can feel as if my head is empty of everything except cotton wool, unable to think, or else I'll be thinking in too much depth... I'll have random occasions where I will feel irrationally ecstatic. As if I could do anything. If it wasn't for the fact I am by nature rather reserved, I'm sure I'd have gone on a binge of some sort or other, or ended up tarting it in and out of multiple guy's beds :eek:

Anyway, after much deliberation and persuasion, I'm going back to the Doc on Friday. And yet I still can't fully work out what I want from them. My symptoms have changed since last time (I was suffering with anxiety before, but that seems to have disappeared) so I don't know if I'll be on the same pills. Sleeping pills might help to get myself in some sort of routine so that I'm not walking round like a zombie so much. And I don't know whether to take up an offer of 2 weeks off work if I'm offered it... Mainly because it will put me on a "red" warning for my absence, being ill twice so far in the last 26 weeks, which will also put me forward for disciplinary measures AS IF IT'S MY FAULT THAT MY BRAIN ISN'T FUNCTIONING PROPERLY

Bleh.

I swear sometimes, the fact that I feel down is enough to make me feel even worse, like a downwards spiral.

I guess I'm just putting this out there for sympathy, and to get things off my chest. Because everyone at work and all my friends seem to think it's just a case of "drink yourself silly and/or pull yourself together and you'll be fine."

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Dear Bleh...

Oh wait that wasn't your Name - silly me.

Danno, you have a complex issue here that requires not just drugs, but real therapy to work through all of these issues.

While you may have an organic/chemical reasons and drugs would treat that, your depression doesn't appear to stem from just chemical issues but real life problems you need to work through and resolve.

What you are feeling is to be expected. I would worry more if you didn't feel some sadness at all that stuff.

Doctor and Therapist should be on your list of 'too visit'.

[Danno90]

Dear Bleh...

Oh wait that wasn't your Name - silly me.

Danno, you have a complex issue here that requires not just drugs, but real therapy to work through all of these issues.

While you may have an organic/chemical reasons and drugs would treat that, your depression doesn't appear to stem from just chemical issues but real life problems you need to work through and resolve.

What you are feeling is to be expected. I would worry more if you didn't feel some sadness at all that stuff.

Doctor and Therapist should be on your list of 'too visit'.

I sometimes feel like "Bleh" should be my name, if that helps?

But yeah, I could spend a few hours going into depth about things from "the past" which might have screwed with my head, things which occasionally pop into my head (or dreams) when I've thought they were buried and gone.

Last time I went I was offered a self-referral for counseling but, stupidly, I let the leaflet crumple in my bag and didn't follow it up. Numerous times over the years I've had people telling me that not only do I wear my heart on my sleeve allowing people to dump on me, but that I also tend to shoulder a lot of the stuff and not deal with it properly.

I'm not the most macho of guys, but I think I do have a touch of the "ignore it and it's not real" syndrome.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Stop the macho stuff and do get help for that 'stuff' that pops up and haunts you.

Seriously ignoring that stuff leads to alcoholism, drug use, institutions, hospitals, prisons and all to often death. Suicide is caused by depression in a majority of cases. Yes it is a potentially terminal illness.

I understand where you are with the feelings and how bleh fits as a name. Been there, are there, did that doing that.

Therapists will not only help you to work through 'crap' they will also help you figure out the tools you need in your tool box to deal with the symptoms and make the load a bit easier.

Next time you see doctor, get another leaflet and follow up.

Be good to yourself.

[Lalo]

I agree with Bowyn. Get thee to a physician young man! Seriously, you need to take care of yourself. Get back on the Citalopram and stay on it. Then work on getting a therapist. Most people think that choosing a therapist is like walking to the local market and picking up a head of lettuce. It is not! You may have to try a number of therapists before you find one who you feel comfortable with and who gets the best out of you. But seriously, do it, and do it soon. Depression is not something to take lightly.

[Geminize]

Having danced with moderate depression myself, I can relate. I agree, go get some help. Two things I suggest you commit to for yourself: stay away from alcohol (don't listen to anyone who tells you to "drink yourself silly" to deal with this) AND find a way to get some sleep! Sleep deprivation is nothing to take lightly. It takes time to change habits, but you can do it. Alcohol messes up your sleep cycles, so that's a double dose of trouble.

I sympathize and wish you the best.

[Danno90]

Well it's now 31 hours until my doctor's appointment. I'm using that as my "goal" just to get me through. If I can struggle that far, then yeah the road might be rocky and full of twists and turns afterwards, but at least it will be in the right direction at last.

I'm trying to convince myself that 2 weeks off work *might* actually help me try to clear my head, despite the formal repercussions. The only objection my brain is now coming up with is where that would leave me in terms of hunting for a new job which I'm trying to do... Most employers would probably run a mile if they found out I've had recent time off AND disciplinary action for sickness because of depression.

*shrug*

It's too late to think, but my brain seems to have learned a trick from Windows and is doing it's usual "giving off the appearance of doing something, but actually Not Responding" thing =/

[Danno90]

And as for the alcohol thing... Once I'm on whatever I'm put on, I have no intention of having more than one (or two at the very most) drinks should I find myself having a night out. Bad experiences from last time...

[MisterTinkles]

I was diagnosed with high anxiety, deep depression, and some other fun stuff several years ago.

I was put on pills too, which helped at the time.

The pills placed me in a semi-comatic state, similar to the one you described. I pretty much didnt feel anything for as long as I took the pills. Which for me, was a good thing. I was able to sort my head out during this time, fight a bunch of my personal "demons", and figure myself out...figure out who I was and what I was and what bullshit I needed to dump out of my life.

And I dumped a LOT of bullshit out of my life! Boy did that make me feel good!

It took three years of me fighting myself to finally realize I only needed what **I** needed to survive in this world, NOT what other people told me I needed, and certainly not all the bullshit and lies society tells me I need!! I figured out what it was that was dragging me down, keeping me depressed and pissed off all the time, and I dumped it completely from my life. And I have always felt SOOOOO much better for doing it.

Yes, I had to drop some people from my life, but in reality, they were just dragging me down.
I had to get away from certain jobs, because they were just stressing me out.
I had to move away from my "comfort zone" area, to find something different and new.
Pretty much, I had to just get rid of all the drama, lies, and bullshit that I was drowing in.

After about three years of fighting myself, I finally had my epiphany and saw everything in glorious, living color. Truth is everything, lies are for the weak and those that cant handle reality. I may be by myself in this world, but I am SO much happier than having to live the sorry assed life I thought I had to live, because of all the bullshit I let myself believe from all these losers, posers, and hosers in the media, in school, and other places and people who think they know whats "best" for me, when they have absolutely NO concept of what is good for anybody, much less themselves.

You have to find your way out of the mountain of shit that has become your life. Only you can save you.
Only you can fight your own demons and demand that you live your life, the best way you know how.

Dump the crap, throw out the drama, stamp out the stuff that drags you down. Doesnt matter if its people, places, or things. You gotta find out what is going to make you happy and do that.

Dont live other peoples lives as your own. You gotta fight for your right to live your own life the way you know you need too.

If you let "them" win, then you will become an alcoholic, a drug addict, a "mental case", or whatever else they can do to you, that you will allow.

The only way to win thier "games" is to take yourself out of thier screwed up, mindfuck games.

[Counselor]

Citalopram is NOT something you can just decide to stop. If you want to try getting off, you must discuss that course of action with your physician, the crash is very severe and your physician can suggest a way to lessen the impact.