Leave no rock left unturned. Seek and destroy is your objective. aka. now is the time to pry. both of you get all boozed up. let him drink until hes all drunk and you stay sober and then ask the questions you wouldnt normally ask. now is the time to strike. when hes most vunerable.
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It would appears that he is not shy in letting you know that he is different from what you consider a buddy. If you are curious, let him know, by subtly responding next time he does or says something that you consider as "treating you different". If you respond, based on how you have described his behavior - he won't miss it.
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I FUCKIN SCREWED UP EVERYTHING. and Im still half drunk, We ate with the TV on drinking beer and it was cool. Then we opened the jack daniels at some point he touched my neck and did this thing with his hand like a rough caress or something, you definitely dont do that with a buddy and I let him but started to get anxious, then at some point he asked about a girl im seeing, I told him I use her to release tension and so he says "there are other ways" i say what, he says jokingly watch porn and jerk off, he didnt even suggested to do that or anything he was just joking! but I replied WHAT, ARE YOU A FAG OR SOMETHING???  I screwed up big time, I still see the hurt in his eyes, he wasnt even suggesting anything I dont know why I told him that! I was just too fuckin nervous and couldnt get off my macho mood, damn!. CAnt believe it was all so nice and then I dropped that, fuck im so pissed at myself right now. He left minutes later I told him that, I dont know why i said that I really liked what he did to my neck and hair why im so stupid im so pissed at myself right now, i got all wrong what cant i do to fix this now? I cant think of anything im an idiot
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WoW Franco, that is too bad.
Of course, I wasnt there and cant be sure but are you being totally honest? Maybe he was inviting you to jerk off? Anyways, the only way to save this is for you to be the aggressive one now! My only fear is that you may have really fucked up bad... like lost a good friend and possible lover! I hate to be so honest but I think that is what you are looking for. It is just my opinion, take it for just that. OK!?!?
What I would do is try to invite him for coffee or fishing or whatever and you start the petting - the hair, the neck, the caressing... fuck, even have a porn at the ready! Making the first move can be very f*cking macho! no?!?
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Franco, don't be too hard on yourself. You've been in the closet for so long your hetero acting self defenses kicked in. Believe me I've done it myself.
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The signs obviously point that yes, he is in to you. Tell him that you are confused, that you have feelings for him beyond that of a buddy and you said what you did because you were scared.
The time for guessing games is over, so be honest and up front with him.
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Franco Wrote:I FUCKIN SCREWED UP EVERYTHING.
When you wake up after this, I want for you to write a letter to ME - a complete and utter stranger, Don't start it with Dear Bowyn. Just go to the letter part and not have a 'dear......'.
Tell ME in that letter how you feel about your potential homosexuality, how it makes you afraid to let others know, how it makes you react 'against' potential other gay guys getting close.
Explain to ME what you were feeling about him, and why you reacted this way.
Keep thinking you are writing that letter to ME, a person who does not judge or have any thing invested in this. Your words will flow nicely and correctly...
1-2 pages tops. Print it up, put it in an envelope...
Then take it to his place and put it in his mail box....
Trust me - he will understand where you were, you just need a safe way to tell him and I have just given that to you.
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Sorry to hear that things got out of hand.
It does not mean all is lost, the ball is now squarely in your court. Since you are feeling badly about what happened, seek him out and apologize for your out burst - just tell him the truth - that you don't know what came over you, you're really sorry and that you value him as a friend and would very much to like continue your friendship. Being truly sincere and humble in your apology should go along way with this guy, based on your posts of how he has treated you.
Do it ASAP. I don't think you need to go into anymore explanation than that at this point. If he should open the door for further explanation and you feel comfortable then you might give him a more detailed explanation.
You're not the first person to get really nervous and have a totally unexpected reaction. So hang in there.
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If you want to keep his friendship and find out if more is possible, I agree: apologize as soon as you can. You don't need to come out and tell him everything if you don't want to. Just tell him you're sorry, you were drunk, you really like him, and you don't want to lose his friendship. Then based on his response you can get as open and honest about your feelings as you want.
Beating yourself up over this will not help you at all.
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called him and he was so distant and kept saying "its ok man, its ok" because I tried to apologize, but it was weird because I never said why I was apologizing. Its like we both know whats going on but no one has said anything out loud, so it all still remains a secret/taboo. All tuesday we get together with the boys at the local bar so I will probably see him there which will be eve more weird since we're gonna be surrounded by people we know. Im gonna try take him outside and talk to him, dont know what to say though
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