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My friend is driving me emotionally insane, help!
#1
so, I apologize if this is somewhat lengthy. As the title suggests, I need advice on a situation where my friend is driving me bonkers. I'm completely at a loss and don't quite know what to do.

So, I will begin with a little bit of background. I first met this guy, who i'll call "B", a few years ago. We wren't really friends, rather acquaintances. I almost immediately called into his question, his sexuality. It's hard to explain, but I just picked up on something telling me that he was gay. I really didn't think much of it and just let it be. I would talk to him here or there, but really didn't make an effort to befriend him. I had no real interest in him romantically either.

Well, fast forward to about 9 months ago. I started seeing B more often, and began talking to him more and more. After getting to know him better, I realized that we have a lot in common and started to rather like his company. After another month or two, I started to pick up on things that seemed different. His eye contact with me was different, and he started to get kind of touchy feely, like patting me on the back or putting his arm around my shoulders. He's a rather shy, quiet, and awkward person, but around me, he was completely opposite. He would often follow me around and talk my ear off. At this point I was starting to develop something of a crush on him.

Well, still unsure of his orientation, but given the signs I had, I felt I needed to at least come out to him. At this point we still weren't really close friends, just work friends. (we work together. I know full well the complications of being in a relationship with a coworker and am prepared to deal with the ramifications) now i've been out to most of my coworkers for awhile, I just don't really talk about it. Late one evening I decided to tell him I was gay over text message. To my surprise he had known the whole time, making his eye contact and touchyness seem even more like a sign. At this point, I found a little courage and confessed my feelings to him.

In retrospect, this may have been a bad idea, but now it was out there. I didn't get a response until almost 2 days later. His response was pure defensiveness, though he never said he was straight, or that he wasn't gay. That was followed by a refusal to talk about it when I told him I owe him an explanation of why I thought he felt the same for me.

So at this point, i'm assuming I've alienated someone who was beginning to become a good friend. I figured he would be done with me altogether. To my surprise, he still talked to me. Actually we started to get alot closer. We began getting together outside of work. We've gone and seen a couple movies together. He started meeting and hanging out with my small, yet close group of friends. I was working on getting past my feelings for him and just being his friend. Well, here is where things changed further.

So we started to talk to each other even more often. Like every day often. We started playing video games on xbox live together. I had gotten a few texts from him saying good morning when he wakes up, or good night when he knows im going to sleep. Our conversations started getting longer and longer. some nights until the wee hours of the morning. He started calling me randomly just to talk. A few times after playing video games and talking over xbox live for several, he would call me afterwards and we would talk for another hour or two. So instead of my feelings subsiding like I wanted, I realized i was actually falling in love with him.

Now is where I'm getting very confused and he's driving me emotionally insane. For the last two months, we have talked to each other almost every day of the week. He calls me every day while he is driving to work. Then He calls me as soon as he's off work and we talk the whole time he's driving home. A few times, after he's been over, he will call me on his way home from my house, or when he gets home. I've also noticed that he will seem to get upset if I don't answer his calls or respond to his texts after so long. These are things that people in a relationship do, or at least, not things straight guys will do.

So here I am now, with probably the closest friend I've ever had, and only within the span of a few months. I am truly in love with him, and feel like we are a couple. My other friends think we are dating, as does my family. The connection we have is unlike anything I've ever experienced before. His actions tell me that he reciprocates my feelings. But, Every time i've tried to mention something about how i feel, he shuts down and refuses to talk about it. I just don't know what to think or what to do. He is a very important part of my life, and I know I am important to him. At this point though, I know that if it turns out he doesn't feel the same, the only way to get over him is to completely cut him out of my life. This is the very last thing I want to do as I know it will hurt him as much as me. I'm just lost. I am completely convinced, as are a few other mutual friends, that he is gay and has feelings for me. All because of his actions. After finding out that I have feelings for him, he has done all this. It is so emotionally draining, some days I can barely sort out my feelings. He's worked his way into the forefront of my mind. And, on the off chance I'm able to not think about him for a little while, he will call me and remind me of how i feel for him. I feel I'm losing my mind, and if I can't confront this it may end up killing me.

I'm sorry for the monstrous length of this and will be surprised if anyone reads it. I just need some advice on what I could do and where to go from here.
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#2
For your own sanity you might have to consider forcing the issue. I'm always very careful with this scenario 'cause if you crawl out on a limb, you have to be ready for someone to saw it off.

You could say something like this " I've tried talking to you about this several time and you shutdown. We are going to have to talk about this situation, I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable. You are giving me mixed signal. I really like you as a friend, and value you friendship, and I need to know, as your friend, what's going on with us, friends, more? I'm good with either. Stop there. Then back off a bit

His answer might not be right away, or it may be - either way, if you let thing go on as they are - then you're the one in flux. He seems to be having a great carefree time.
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#3
Yeah, MissingNYC has the right idea.

"B" is denying his own feelings and existence for some reason. Apparently he is happy to be with you and definately acts like he has a "schoolgirl" crush on you....calling and talking all the time.

You WILL have to be firm with him on this.

Get him alone, maybe make dinner at your place, and then after dinner sit him down for a long talk.
Regardless of whether he acts like he wants to listen to you or not, tell him what you need to say. Dont let him leave either, until you have said everything to him you need to say.

He's playing a mind game, and without meeting you two, I cant say if he's doing it to himself or to you.

You are going to have to make a decision on what outcome this might bring. He will either never speak to you again, or he will acknowledge what you have said. You might give him a month to make up his mind what he wants to do, but you will need to give him a choice on what decision he needs to make.




Then again, if it were me...........I'd just grab him and kiss him and let him figure THAT one out!!!!
:eyebrow-wiggle-smil
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#4
Thank you both. first off for reading the entirety of that, and secondly for your advice. i've been hoping that B would come to some conclusion on his own, but I fear that won't happen. As days go by, and we get closer and closer, I feel more and more of my sanity slipping away. I really do value his friendship and really do deeply care about him. At first i felt like a terrible person, harboring these deeper feelings for him, thinking that I was making this all up in my head. That was until I realized that a few of our friends think that we are a couple. Only then to realize that I am starting to think of him as my boyfriend, rather than just a friend. And can you blame me? The way talks to me is something I've only seen people do with their significant other.

MisterTinkles, I think you are right, with him playing mind games. I really do believe it's with himself and not me. It's obvious he's happy to be with me, and I know for certain that he cares about me. Something I didn't mention in my first post was a second time he was reminded of my feelings for him. It was mid December, there was a Christmas party at our place of employment. I had told him i would be there that evening. Well, that day I was feeling really down about this whole situation. I was very depressed and it was because of B. When I didn't show up I started getting texts from him asking where I was. I simply stated I was too depressed to have a good time and wouldn't be showing up. Then I get a message from a friend and coworker asking where I was, and telling me that B was down about me not showing up. He wanted her to convince me to come and kept asking her why I was depressed. She eventually pulled B aside and told him I was depressed because of my feelings for him. From what I was told, he got immediately defensive about people thinking he was gay and then abruptly left. Then he starts texting me again, trying to cheer me up. He ended up texting me for about an hour. Now, if he was really that uncomfortable about me having feelings for him, I don't think he would be that inclined to talk to me. It just showed that he really does care.

sorry for another long story. Yeah, about just kissing him, well, I've just about done so a couple times now. Actually just last night when he was over, it took all my willpower not to lean over and kiss him right then and there. If only i wasn't such a wuss. I still might just try this lol.
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#5
mojoe10k Wrote:(sic)..... (we work together. I know full well the complications of being in a relationship with a coworker and am prepared to deal with the ramifications) ....Now is where I'm getting very confused and he's driving me emotionally insane. (sic)... and if I can't confront this it may end up killing me.

Oh yeah, you GOT this. Lol, one of my least favorite statements ever: "I know what I'm getting into and can handle the repercussions..."
Thing is, wether it is the teenager in love with his best friend, the older gentleman in love with a barley legal twink, or the love-smitten man having an affair with a married guy--people who make that statement are NEVER able to handle the fallout after it all goes to hell, even though they have reassured us that they can handle it...

Well, your in the shit now so I guess I will give you a "beginners pass" and give you the honest advise you came here looking for.... That is what you wanted, right? Honesty?

Well, here goes: He isn't able to reconcile this relationship with his world view, and it will not work out with the two of you as lovers.
That is not to say that you and he will never have sex (not if you continue this way), in fact I predict that you may very well end up engaging in some sort of sexual act, but shortly after you do, that will be the end of the relationship.
The question is really how much you are willing to lose to satisfy your love-hunger. Are you willing to lose his friendship in exchange for a sexual tryst? Are you ready to deal with the "ramifications" of that as well?
Cheers,
Beau
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#6
You have told him how you feel and he refuses to talk about his own feelings towards you. Sounds like he doesn't want to loose you as his best friend, and is just avoiding the subject in order to keep the relationship where it is "As Just Friends".

He really needs to tell you how he feels, and I'm saying this because you need to find a way to properly deal with this problem and bring it to a conclusion before you get hurt anymore than you already are.

If he continues to hide his real feelings - you will always wonder "what if" and never have closure. So,,, ask him one more time what his feelings are toward you, and if he refuses to answer, then tell him that this situation is hurting you emotionally, and you cannot continue being his best friend. Let him know you can be friends at work, but that's as far as it will go.

My Best Wishes.
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#7
Beaux Wrote:Oh yeah, you GOT this. Lol, one of my least favorite statements ever: "I know what I'm getting into and can handle the repercussions..."
Thing is, wether it is the teenager in love with his best friend, the older gentleman in love with a barley legal twink, or the love-smitten man having an affair with a married guy--people who make that statement are NEVER able to handle the fallout after it all goes to hell, even though they have reassured us that they can handle it...

Well, your in the shit now so I guess I will give you a "beginners pass" and give you the honest advise you came here looking for.... That is what you wanted, right? Honesty?

Well, here goes: He isn't able to reconcile this relationship with his world view, and it will not work out with the two of you as lovers.
That is not to say that you and he will never have sex (not if you continue this way), in fact I predict that you may very well end up engaging in some sort of sexual act, but shortly after you do, that will be the end of the relationship.
The question is really how much you are willing to lose to satisfy your love-hunger. Are you willing to lose his friendship in exchange for a sexual tryst? Are you ready to deal with the "ramifications" of that as well?
Cheers,
Beau

I appreciate your honesty. That really is what I came here for. As for dealing with the consequences of my actions, I am also prepared. IF it comes to it, I would gladly find a different job for the sake of my friendship. It is probably the case that he can't reconcile our relationship at the current moment, but he is the one making it what it is. I don't recall stating that my intentions and desires were of a sexual nature. That isn't at all my goal. I want this to be a life long relationship. Now if that doesn't work out, so be it, life has a way of never working out in a positive fashion. I'm no stranger to pain and heartache. I just know that I need to try to know for certain. I'm questioning how long I can keep this friendship going in the current fashion as it hurts me, more and more as days go by. If my friend cannot deal with my own feelings towards him than maybe it's better if we aren't friends.
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#8
The solution is simple but requires extreme courage.

Tell him you desire a monogamous relationship and he is your first choice. When he shutsdown or flat out refuses then you express your regret and inform him you have no choice but to start dating other guys who are also interested in long term monogamy.

And then you DO IT.

Date other guys.

B will soon realize he's about to lose your time and affection and ATTENTION. He will learn it's time to either FISH or CUT BAIT but he cannot ride for free any longer.

The possible consequences are:
--B comes around and decides he wants a relationship with you.
--B understands he's going to lose you.
--YOU find a real boyfriend.

Oh, and P.S. I'm speaking from personal experience. I was on the "market" for two months before I got a commitment from my current BF.

Good luck.
Smile
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#9
Well the consensus so far seems to be that I need to bring up the issue to him, that things will never work out for us, and that I should start dating other people. Somewhat contradictory advice but I understand where it is all coming from. It seems as if I'm at a crossroad, deciding whether I value friendship or a romantic relationship more. See, in my world view, a romantic relationship is built on friendship. A close friendship that develops into something more. Maybe i am way off base here, and good sex, or financial gain, or personal gratification are really what a romantic relationship should be built around. I guess I don't know because I've never been in one of these ever elusive relationships. My relationship with B is the closest thing I've known to what I think romance is built from. I suppose this is probably nothing more than delusional thinking. Maybe there is something about me that B is hoping to gain by befriending me and having me believe I really am important to him. Maybe this is all a lie and my imagination is getting the best of me. I've just never had a friendship like this before, and I've had a lot of odd friends in the past. No one has ever treated me like this. No one has ever made me feel special, and B does. Maybe I'm just a narcissist.

That said, I think I know a way to broach this subject. Now, it's apparent to me that the subject makes him uncomfortable, yet only to a point, otherwise he wouldn't have befriended me in the first place. Our friendship was initiated by him. In my narcissistic, delusional mind, I tend to think that he is uncomfortable about himself, or just confused about his own sexuality. I think the best way to communicate my feelings with him is by writing him a letter.

I think communication this way would be the best way to start. See, we are both rather socially awkward, and I have a hard time talking about my feelings. I know B well enough to know he is the same. I figure this way he will have time and space I am willing to give him all the time in the world, I will do everything in my power to have things work out between us
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#10
I think the letter is a good idea. It does allow time to digest things and the reader isn't "cornered" and pressured to respond right away.

But I don't think you're delusional. I think you're simply in touch with your feelings. The problem is, B is (apparently) not on the same sheet of music.

Or to use another metaphor I like, you are both on DIFFERENT trajectories.

In order for a relationship to work (whether it's based on friendship or sex or money or career, etc.) both partners need to have similar ultimate goals--the SAME TARGET.

You both need to be aiming for the same thing. And as long as B wants something different than you, well I'm afraid that doesn't bode well.

The solution as I suggested earlier is to persuade B to narrow his focus...

...or...

...find someone else who is shooting for the same thing you are.

Good luck with the letter. Let us know how it goes.
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