My EX wants me to change

[tomking]

Hi when I was with my boyfriend for six months he wanted me to change. I said absolutely no. I will not change for anyone. It is not the correct thing to do. I still think this. In hindsight though I was wrong. He was not asking me to change my style, language, clothes etc he wanted me to quit smoking, take care of myself etc but another change I cannot figure out.

However he has told me after we split up even though he wanted better sex and didn't like that I did not take care of myself that I need to change. The thing is he will not say exactly what it is he wants me to change to? In terms of sex he is versatile and I am bottom because although I have had a lot of sex in my life I cannot get hard when there is someone in the room. So I worry it is because I could not TOP him. He said had the sex been better it would have given us more time when we were together to work things out. However that is not the main reason. He just wont/cant tell me?

It is driving me crazy because 8 months later when I think about him it kills me. I love him so much. Obviously in these 8 months I have moved on for many months but lately I want him and I to be happy together.

We have met once since we broke up. I asked him to meet in November and he agreed. Then changed his mind. We finally met a few months ago this year. We held hands. Had fun. Cuddled. After I left he messaged me saying he really wanted to have kissed me goodbye like old times.

Big mistake I made was go in way too heavy after that and it distressed him. He says he loves me but cannot ever see us being together.

He takes care of himself. Is quiet etc. I just want to know what it is you guys think he wants me to change to so we can be together?

I asked one of my close friends why he would not meet me again after saying he wanted to kiss me goodbye and holding hands. She suggested that he missed me and wanted to see me but after having seen me did not feel I had changed enough.

Please more wise guys than me...He loves me..it hurts him to think about me so he tries not to have much contact/messages with me. He does miss me though. What do I need to do so we can be happy together?

[Nick9]

Hi and welcome to GS.

I don't think we can tell you. Did he tell you about the need to change when you met this year? Maybe that's not the issue anymore.
Maybe he is not sure about his feelings and that's why he didn't kiss you without thinking?

Or maybe he thinks that he would embarrass or hurt you if he tell you about the change he would like to see. You could try to tell him that his previous advice to quit smoking was a good one and that you won't get hurt or mad if he tells you about other things that he would like you to change...

It's also possible that he would like to stay just friends. You two should talk, we can't tell you. Oh, maybe Bowyn Aerrow can, he claims he has a crystal ball you know

[Aeneas]

if he just wanted you to stop smoking he would have told you as much. no need to be enigmatic going on about "you need to change".


as for "taking care" of yourself a few things come to mind.

do you work out, or do any exercises, sports? it has nothing to do with your health but your BF wants you to up your muscles a notch.

do you have bodily hair? the trend today is to have little body hair. if you do not shave your body, your bottom (especially if you are, well a bottom), and what not that would be categorised as "not taking care of yourself".

how sexy are your underwear? and your clothes in general?

think metrosexual here. the way i see it, some people have trouble criticizing other people for superficial stuff such as clothes and bodily hair... so new popular phrase is "you need to take care of yourself".

it has nothing to do with your health. it has everything to do with your looks.


don't get me wrong here, and i don't mean it in a derogatory manner, but you seem to be a very proud person. "i will not change for anyone" and so on...

its ok but that may translate into "i do, wear and look like i want and tough if you dont like it". good for you, but my feeling is that there is something in that equation your boyfriend is not totally happy with, and your posture makes it even more difficult for him to explain what it is.

[dfiant]

Don't change for anyone, that includes giving up smoking and living a healthy lifestyle. If you are happy the way you are then stay exactly the way you are.

If however you feel YOU want to improve your health and fitness, then by all mean go ahead and do that to improve YOURSELF, not to improve the way people view you.

The old saying 'The way people judge you is purely a reflection on the person that they are, not who you are.'

PS. oh yeah, tell your ex to fuck off

[pellaz]

change is a good thing:
-quit smoking (this is a very difficult thing to do)
-get therapy on you sex issue; "cannot get hard when there is someone in the room" (expensive and personally diminishing)

you have to want change so dont be disappointed if someone dosnt appreciate you just the way you are.

the x-bf was curious if things improved (in his mind) and they didnt, so he gave up. the good thing is you can remain exactly who you want to be. some basic things you cant ask for. Example; you cant demand a alcoholic stop drinking. they have to hit bottom on the issue first.

[tomking]

Thanks for your opinions so far...I would like people to post more if possible.

Wow. I really hope when he says change he doesn't really mean just get more muscles, weight, handsome etc. In fact I think if that is what he really means I would be quite devastated. I am underweight though. I am eating a lot more now though because I want to become a healthy weight.

I used to be an alcoholic so I know all about rock bottom.

[dfiant]

I have been underweight all my life, usually yoyoing between 52 and 60kg for my hulking 173cm frame. I have smoked since I was 11 years old, never seen the inside of a gym, and yeah...there is also an alcohol problem as well.

But you know what?

Fuck it. you are you, I am me and until you want to change for you, then every arsehole on the face of this earth MUST accept you for you, not what you do or how you look.

I gave up smoking in December, I did it for me and my health...not to make anyone else happy, because that would not make it worth while.

Put on a little weight, and you know what, I still couldn't give a flying F%^$ about going to the gym etc....I may ride a bike but that is because it is fun

My hulking frame now carries about 64kg...fucking middle age spread PMSL

[pellaz]

I have been underweight all my life, ... But you know what? Fuck it. you are you ... Put on a little weight, and you know what, I still couldn't give a flying F%^$ about going to the gym ... fucking middle age spread

go with the new look



and

[tomking]

I do not mean to be rude. However could we please get back to helping me as this is why I posted. Please offer your advice to those who have not..I am really hurting.

[TomStatic]

Im pretty sure u need to figure out stuff within yourself before setteling with someone, Confidence sells and i dont think u are that confident in yourself ? Hope u sort things out, but im pretty sure u are better without him, as if it was ment to be he would not have given u up that easily ,