Ok, so some background info. My partner and I have been together for three years, we live apart, but within ten minutes of each other. He has always had roomates sharing the home, one a best friend of twenty years, and after he moved another friend moved right in, this one was a friend if ten years. We are all close to 40, and have had no issues with anyone. Till about a year ago when another old friend of my partner came crawling out of the woodwork.
Apparently they crossed paths via facebook, and started hanging out occasionally even though this guy lived two hours away via interstate. Ok, so that started cutting into my bf's free time. He's busy with work, and has a lot if bring home work as well, so not a huge amount if free time for us to start with, then to cut that by having this guy take up entire day/nights was an issue for me. He's an outdoorsman, hunts, fishes, that type of thing. My partner was always a camo shorts type of guy, but this new old friend got him into this as well now.
Soon as my bf facebook friended him this guy went and friended every family member and friend of my bf, except me, instantly. That sent up warning signs right there.
Cut to my bf being overloaded with a video project he needed to complete at home. Well guess who just happened to have a camera and time to help out? The new friend. He'd cone up and have to sleep over, this went on for two miserable weeks where I didn't see my bf at all. I ended up having a minor meltdiwn and asked my bf straight out if there was something going on. He said no, that I was being silly.
Cut to a few months later when my bf's roomate moves out to get married to his bf. My bf was happy to have the house to himself, but was having a hard time making ends meet money wise. Well guess who suddenly wanted to move all the way up here? Creepy friend guy. I've made it clear I don't like this guy, and will not be coming over while this guy lives there. That put a strain on things. Now this guy had just invited my bf down to his family's hunting grounds/honestead for an easter weekend fishing hillbillybextravaganza, and he went, only telling me about it days before.
I've been a wreck lately. This guy takes up most if my bf's free time with all his crap' and I'm left begging for one night a week alone with my bf. When I complain I'm just ignored or shrugged off. No idea what to do. I won't go on the excursions as I find hunting abhorrant. This guy posts pics of his family holfpding up carcasses of the dead animals proudly on facebook. I want no part of that type of psycho. But he's getting my bf into it and I just hate it, and him.
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welcome to gayspeak
can you finally move in with your partner?
gay friends, x boy friends always complicate a relationship. best to dump them up front.
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Hi gaymer76,
I guess the three of you need to talk about that as ADULTS .. and try to figure something out!
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It not the ex that is causing your BF to change his behavior, it's your BF making the choices here - he's a grown man. I think you should start with that - have a serious sit down with your BF, away from his house, and tell him how you feel, then really listen to what he has to say.
This must feel horrible and very painful to you, but until you get this sorted with your BF - one way or another - it will just get worse.
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No idea what to do. I won't go on the excursions as I find hunting abhorrant. This guy posts pics of his family holfpding up carcasses of the dead animals proudly on facebook. I want no part of that type of psycho. But he's getting my bf into it and I just hate it, and him.
I'm a hunter/fisher/outdoors type. I fail to see why your BF has to give up his favorite activities. Can't you two compromise here?
Cut to my bf being overloaded with a video project he needed to complete at home. Well guess who just happened to have a camera and time to help out? The new friend. He'd cone up and have to sleep over, this went on for two miserable weeks where I didn't see my bf at all.
Where is your camera? Why didn't you carve time out of your life to spend it with your partner doing what he needs?
3 years and you two are still merely dating? Why didn't you move in when the chance arose? Seems to me opportunity knocked and you failed to answer the door.
It seems to me you understand on some minor level that you are a failure when it comes to being a BF here, but you just can't seem to manage to take the blame, thus are putting it on this other fellow who seems to be able to approach a 'relationship' with a bit more interest and gusto.
The mere fact that you hate - absolutely positively refuse to be involved in interests your BF has dooms this relationship unless you two can seriously compromise and have separate 'vacations' where he goes off to hunt while you go off to whatever Nancy-boy activities you pursue.
Denying an outdoorsy type fellow the great outdoors will make him hate you and hate everything you like.
Instead of going on a gun/bow hunt with him try renting a cabin and go on 'camera hunts' - instead of using a bow/gun you use a gun. Yeah that means you get a little dirty and you have to hike - it also means he doesn't get fresh meat - its called compromise.
I also suggest you seriously think about why it is you have been so reluctant to commit further than 'dating' and week-end relationship. 3 years and you are still living in separate places?
Instead of blaming this other guy for your misery, ask yourself why it is you can't seem to get involved with your BF's activities, why it is you held off on moving in with him, why it is he has to meet your every little demand need while you get to sit there and act like a princess.
Stop sitting there blaming this other guy for being the better mate and become the better mate.
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First, this new guy isn't an ex, he's an old friend of my bf.
Next, my bf had never mentioned before that he wanted to hunt. I knew he liked hiking and that sort of thing, but in the years leading up to this new old friend entering the scene he'd never once said he ever wanted to go kill wild animals. So I don't know it can be a fave thing if he'd never mentioned it before and has only been into it since this ass came on the scene. Even now the only time things get tense is only stuff related to this new old friend. He inserts himself into every aspect of my bf's life, and I can't take it anymore.
My views on hunting are this, if you take joy in the killing of animals you are a sick bastard. My bf knows this as a close relative of mine is a hunter and I don't have anything to do with him. I think this roomate is a sick fuck so why would I force myself to have anything to do with him? When I think about my bf going hunting it pains my heart. We'd not had any arguments/disagreements until this old friend came back on the scene.
I couldn't offer a camera as I don't own one. My family was never one that took photos or video growing up and I still don't, so I pretty much know nothing about shooting a video.
The reason we haven't even talked about moving in is money, on my part, and I don't think our relationship is at that point yet. I love my guy dearly, but we're not at the moving part just yet. If I could afford it and he wanted to, def yeah.
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Well as a "sick bastard" myself I can understand why your BF wouldn't have mentioned any interest in hunting to you. That sort of attitude would keep anyone silent on the issue.
I'm sorry you can't learn new things, like how to use a camera. Instead you resorted to 'I can't'... wrong move.
Clearly this buddy is able and willing to learn new things in order to satisfy his buddy. You ??? I don't know it seems to me as if you are unable or unwilling to do that.
The real problem here is not the buddy, its you. You are negative about a lot of stuff and want to pin this tail on some other donkey instead of making changes in you to meet your BF's needs.
The only problem your BF has is he has yet to figure out that this 'relationship' he has with you is going down a dead end road.
Sorry.
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And what, I should give up my morals and learn to enjoy the taking of innocent life? I'd rather die myself than kill an animal. So I'm the bad guy because I won't kill? That's the skewed mindset I expect from killers. Luckily my bf hasn't shot anything yet, or he's said he hasn't. I don't know how I'll cope if he ever does. And what about meeting my needs? Having to come in last to a roommate is devastating.
The video project for example. I only found out about it After the guy had already volunteered and the project was started, not before. My help wasn't wanted apparently. Same goes for easter. I found out after he had already accepted, not before. How can I make plans when I'm not talked to? Yes my bf/myself is to blame for lack of communication, but to have a roommate that insinuates himself into everything makes things impossible. I can't visit my bf at home because this guy is there at all times. Christmas shopping, forget it. He already went with the roommate. I can't go on trips with my bf because this guy has to also come. I missed out movie nights because this guy asked first. It's getting so bad I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed because I'm so depressed over all this.
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Hrm...my last post never made it.
I don't see how not wanting my bf to kill innocent animals for fun is me being negative. I support him in everything as long as it won't harm him or anyone else. Killing animals is just wrong, and if I feel that way why should my views/morals change? I had thought he felt the same until this guy came on the scene. And yes, I'm unwilling to learn to kill an animal, any animal.
But as I've said, it's not just the hunting. This guy has systematically inserted himself into all aspects of my bf's life. To me that's nowhere normal, and his previous roommates did no such thing. He's put himself into work, trips, family events, movies, everything down to christmas shopping even. All the little things we should be doing together this new guy suggests first, then I miss out because I can't be in the same room with this person. I wanted to see a movie, suggested it to my bf, and yet again he had already seen it with the roommate. I'm at a complete loss here. Nothing I try doing works because this guy has already beaten me to it. The whole situation has put me into a depression that seems to deepen daily. I'm at the point where I just want to sleep and not wake up.
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How can I make plans when I'm not talked to? Yes my bf/myself is to blame for lack of communication, but to have a roommate that insinuates himself into everything makes things impossible.
So this is the real root of the problem. You and the BF are not talking about stuff.
I take back most of what I said. Now that I can see that you are learning about the need for a video producer AFTER the fact, or the fact he is accepting things without consulting you first that changes the whole tenor of what was previously written.
You didn't make that too terribly clear those first posts.
This is not the roommate, this is the BF being selfish and inconsiderate.
I fear this relationship is still going down the dead end road. Clearly your BF is through with the relationship but isn't strong enough or man enough to stand-up and say 'I'm done' and is stringing you along and is using this very inconsiderate way of not including you and excluding you out of everything to push you away.
You need to tell your BF face to face that you are tired of being left out of the loop. I don't care if his roommate is there and making monkey faces.
You also need to make a short, sweet list of examples such as the Easter thing, the Christmas Shopping thing, and your BF not telling you he needed help with the video. And ask him why he is doing these things.
Communication is the only key here - and I think you need to work on that and figure out how to communicate the real underlying problems of these situations:
Hint: It is not the roommate/buddy - its how your BF is acting/treating you when the buddy/roommate is around.
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