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Ended a relationship...Severe depression...
#1
I believe I posted this earlier...Maybe it didn't go through I hope the mods didn't delete it as the forum specifically states if I have a crisis I should post here.

A little backstory.

Last year I had entered a relationship with a guy and we really hit it off. I mean really. We were even in the same spot in our lives, both finishing school, both about to enter a new chapter. We could talk for hours without the conversation ever going dry. We shared so many good times. When it came time to talk about our future we were on the same page. We wanted to share eachother with the world, have kids, get married. We were in love. We were just about to move in together when it all vanished, literally.

There was a complete 180 from him. After so much time together one day he turned extremely cold out of nowhere and I never heard from him again. I called, I texted, I was given a brief excuse once of him busy and that was the last I heard from him.

It took a while for that wound to heal. I don't know if it ever did fully. Time certainly helped but I was left wondering what the reasons were. Was it me? Was it him? I didn't know. I remember the lonely feeling, and being miserable. There was no reason or explanation for what happened when for the longest time we were on the same wavelength.

Then I met another guy some time later. With a similar background as mine only more extreme. It would be very hard for him to come out of the closet. It was also made very clear if he ever admitted to liking guys to anyone in his family or social group it would cause an enormous ruckus.

He was even better in so many ways. I could be 100% myself, he was funny, charming, handsome. We would laugh all the time together. The only problem was that he was bisexual and his relationship with his girlfriend was on hiatus. They weren't seeing each other and were both free to begin their own relationships. He was always very honest with me. He told me the relationship wasn't permanently over but they had agreed to see other people. He had told me there was a chance that things could rekindle between the two of them. I told him I understood, and I did. I was fine with that.

For months we had the time of our lives, we had so many moments I have never shared with ANYONE. We laughed together, cried together, we shared so much with each other. We had so many special moments the experience was really and truly, unbelievable. Then we began to talk about the future. Being together, in the long run. What that would entail. There were obvious complications as far as two guys starting a life together go but it seemed like nothing we wouldn't be able to get through. He seemed completely onboard.

Then spring break happened. He went away for a week and came back with bad news. He and his girlfriend had rekindled their relationship.

I was supportive. I always knew in the back of my mind it was a strong possibility. He had always been very honest which is something I've never seen in a relationship before and I appreciated that.

And he explained to me that he had realized he wanted to fulfill his dreams. He wanted to be married, he wanted to marry his girlfriend, make her his wife. He wanted kids, and a house, and a normal life, one that was real.

I'm devastated. Because as he continued to talk about the things he wanted. He never even mentioned being in love with his girlfriend. He never mentioned her being the one. He never talked about wanting to grow old with the one he loved. The things that we had both valued. He talked about her as if she was a means to an end, a way to fulfill his dream. He never talked about her the way he would talk about me. He just talked about the things in his life that he wanted. How easy and real it would be and I don't blame him. Leading a straight life is easy, no criticism, no abnormalities, nothing out of the ordinary. I think at some point all of us have been tempted to lead that life.

Somehow I knew the outcome of the relationship was inevitable. I knew at some point the girlfriend would make her reappearance. I just didn't think it would be so soon. But I've always wanted for him to be happy, and we both entered the relationship knowing the circumstances.

Yesterday, we said our final good byes. I'm not big on crying but we both shed tears. He offered to check in, offered to meetup at some point in the future as friends possibly. But I told him that wouldn't be possible. As much as I'd love to see him, seeing him with someone else would tear me apart. Yesterday's good bye was a good bye forever, for eternity. I will never see this person again, and while it hurts to say that it saves me from any emotional hardship in the future.

I'm not quite sure how to move on or feel better. I honestly feel empty, desensitized. I woke up today and just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I've lost my appetite. Watching TV, or attempting to exercise my mind eventually wanders to him. He was such a large part of my day. I would wake up and see him, I would see him during the day, at night we would spend time together. We would share our days, talk, and so much more. He could make me smile when I was having some of the worst days, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm impossible to cheer up. Now all of that is gone. I don't know what to do.

I'm mad at the world that it can't be perfect. That everything can't be considered normal. I feel that in some way I'm inadequate because there were things that his girlfriend and future wife could give him that I can't. I feel like a door just shut in my face and there's nothing I can do about it.
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#2
I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I don't have a lot of relationship experience, so I can't offer any helpful advice or anything, but it's good that you decided to come here and share. I think you showed tremendous maturity in that situation. No matter how horrible it feels now, though, the feeling is temporary. The adjustment is temporary.

But still, that just all sucks.
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#3
It sucks that guys do this. I feel like this forum is full of people that are the same. We care for people easily and a lot of the times the people we care for don't care as much. I hope things get better for you.
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#4
i almost teared up when i read this because it brought back memories of myself at that time in my life. i keep thinking of the coldplay lyrics, "nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part, nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard".

there's not a whole lot for me to say... i wish i had some sage wisdom to impart. as hayden said, you've shown incredible maturity and understanding. i think the thing you can do is take away the best aspects of these relationships, don't focus on their endings, and realize how much they're going to help you reach your goals. each failed relationship is going to help find that special someone to spend your life with. you'll get more and more adept at spotting those red flags that should send you running in the other direction.

the key here is for you to be comfortable being alone. this will allow you to not lose yourself so thoroughly in relationships and not be so devastated when they end. this is pertinent for you emotional survival. don't love less, just guard yourself more. you have to trust you'll find what your looking for even though it may not be found tomorrow.

i understand that none of this helps in the moment. i was always devastated and overly invested in love. but you will be okay and you will find what you want. i'm living proof.
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#5
Welcome to the forum, Misfit. I wish it was under different circumstances for you.

Hayden's right: that just all sucks. Except... you have known love, and had two meaningful intimate relationships. Small consolation at this moment, I know, but you are very fortunate to have had that.

Your first guy's behavior is inexcusable to me. Whatever his reason, he owes you an honest explanation. That's not easy to do when you are ending a relationship, but it's the only honorable way. Your only good choice is to put it behind you, as he doesn't seem willing to man up.

As far as guy #2, I feel for you. I'm bisexual, and I think that causes some concern for my bf. You said your goodbye was forever. Never say never (or forever). I understand how you feel, but be open to the crazy possibilities of the future. Given time, you may be able to see him again without the pain.

Right now you need to be taking care of yourself. After my devastating break up, I used DWELLS as a guideline to maintain sanity:
Diet
Water
Exercise
Light
Laughter
Sleep
Eat healthy, even though you have no appetite. Drink plenty of water: dehydration causes all sorts of problems you don't need. Exercise every day, even if it's just a 1/2 hour walk. Feel the sun. (In Pasadena that shouldn't be too hard.) Find something that makes you laugh: friends, movies, whatever. (Check out WLIIA on youtube. Works for me.) Do whatever it takes to get 8-9 hours of sleep most nights. Sleep deprivation can make you crazy.

That's my free advice, and worth every penny paid.

You are NOT inadequate. When a door closes, sometimes we have to brave the dark hallway before the next one opens. Hang in there.
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#6
I feel for you Misfit,

Misfit Wrote:I'm mad at the world that it can't be perfect. That everything can't be considered normal.

And I can't agree more on this.
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#7
First of all I wanted to thank all the people that replied. Really. I wrote this long thread expecting no one to read it or honestly care. When I came back from work I was really down and I'm surprised how much all your replies have helped me. Really, they have.

Hayden Wrote:I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I don't have a lot of relationship experience, so I can't offer any helpful advice or anything, but it's good that you decided to come here and share. I think you showed tremendous maturity in that situation. No matter how horrible it feels now, though, the feeling is temporary. The adjustment is temporary.

But still, that just all sucks.

Thank you. Knowing at least someone else cares is very helpful. I truly hope time will heal this wound.



codyj1ma Wrote:It sucks that guys do this. I feel like this forum is full of people that are the same. We care for people easily and a lot of the times the people we care for don't care as much. I hope things get better for you.

Unfortunately, true. Thank you very much.

dvdbwn Wrote:i almost teared up when i read this because it brought back memories of myself at that time in my life. i keep thinking of the coldplay lyrics, "nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part, nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard".

there's not a whole lot for me to say... i wish i had some sage wisdom to impart. as hayden said, you've shown incredible maturity and understanding. i think the thing you can do is take away the best aspects of these relationships, don't focus on their endings, and realize how much they're going to help you reach your goals. each failed relationship is going to help find that special someone to spend your life with. you'll get more and more adept at spotting those red flags that should send you running in the other direction.

the key here is for you to be comfortable being alone. this will allow you to not lose yourself so thoroughly in relationships and not be so devastated when they end. this is pertinent for you emotional survival. don't love less, just guard yourself more. you have to trust you'll find what your looking for even though it may not be found tomorrow.

i understand that none of this helps in the moment. i was always devastated and overly invested in love. but you will be okay and you will find what you want. i'm living proof.

It's funny...I'm not a horoscope person. But today I just happened to read the paper and my horoscope said something along the lines of what you said. That a recent major outcome didn't turn out the way I projected but it is necessary in my life experience because something so much better will come along even if I have to wait.

Unfortunately, it doesn't help too much as I feel as though I've lost a bit of an opportunity. But if it is true and things get better, knowing so makes me feel at least a bit happier.

Geminize Wrote:Welcome to the forum, Misfit. I wish it was under different circumstances for you.

Hayden's right: that just all sucks. Except... you have known love, and had two meaningful intimate relationships. Small consolation at this moment, I know, but you are very fortunate to have had that.

Your first guy's behavior is inexcusable to me. Whatever his reason, he owes you an honest explanation. That's not easy to do when you are ending a relationship, but it's the only honorable way. Your only good choice is to put it behind you, as he doesn't seem willing to man up.

As far as guy #2, I feel for you. I'm bisexual, and I think that causes some concern for my bf. You said your goodbye was forever. Never say never (or forever). I understand how you feel, but be open to the crazy possibilities of the future. Given time, you may be able to see him again without the pain.

Right now you need to be taking care of yourself. After my devastating break up, I used DWELLS as a guideline to maintain sanity:
Diet
Water
Exercise
Light
Laughter
Sleep
Eat healthy, even though you have no appetite. Drink plenty of water: dehydration causes all sorts of problems you don't need. Exercise every day, even if it's just a 1/2 hour walk. Feel the sun. (In Pasadena that shouldn't be too hard.) Find something that makes you laugh: friends, movies, whatever. (Check out WLIIA on youtube. Works for me.) Do whatever it takes to get 8-9 hours of sleep most nights. Sleep deprivation can make you crazy.

That's my free advice, and worth every penny paid.

You are NOT inadequate. When a door closes, sometimes we have to brave the dark hallway before the next one opens. Hang in there.

Thank you for the advice. And unfortunately, Geminize, no offense to you or any other bisexuals, but I don't think I'll be able to start a relationship with another bisexual guy in the future.

As far as seeing him goes. Sure, there's a chance. I don't know if I would really be able to see him with someone else without a problem though. And if we maintained any sort of friendship I think it would end up hurting us both. But you're right. Never say never.

Thank you for the advice as well. Really, the worst moments right now are the ones of silence. The ones where no one is around, nothing is happening my my mind lingers towards him. I used to think about him all the time and now I have to...not think about him. It's hard.

seeking Wrote:I feel for you Misfit,



And I can't agree more on this.

Thank you.
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#8
What your going through right now and what your feeling is perfectly normal. Your reactions to the breakup are the same reactions we've all experienced at some point in our lives.

The fact that you can write about how your feeling, and grieve through what you're writing is all very positive.

it may not feel like it right now, but time does heal, and there are a lot more guys out there who are in tune with what your looking for than you may think.

You found two guys in a relatively short period. You have a lifetime to find the right one Smile

Good Luck
ObW
X
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#9
Misfit,

You are not "depressed" nor suffering from 'depression'. You are suffering from greif which is slightly different than 'depression'. This is a 'bright side'.

Grief has 5 stages:

Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

Denial is usually the first stage and Acceptance is the last stage, Bargaining, anger and depression do not hit in a specific order, and there is no reason to believe that you won't hit on them just once and move on to the next.

You are going through the grieving process, which is a process.. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-s...and-grief/

Deaths, break-ups, losses of jobs, even moving from one place to another can set off the grieving process.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_d...reakup.htm may have some helpful tips for you to go through this process and come out on the other end stronger.

You do have to be careful in that you work on getting out of the sad stage here within 3-6 months. If you remain in the sad stage over 6 months you do run an ever increasing risk of becoming a person with depression.

All in all, what you are experiencing right now is painfully 'normal' - all people go through these stages and deal with them on their own terms after a break-up, a death, a job loss or any other major life changing event.

This isn't to say I am minimizing your pain and grief, I am validating you on these emotions and I am 'allowing' you to feel what you feel here.


I am terribly sorry that you are going through this - I empathize with your grief here.

It will get better, time will heal this wound (and if we are lucky time will also wound these heel).

What he did was selfish and totally uncalled for. He tried to play the field, and used you in a terrible way. Honestly not all men are like this, and there is that one special guy out there who will not do this to you.

I do not know what lessons are here for you to take away from all of this. There are lessons, there are things you can take from this experience that will mold you and make you a different person.

You will be OK, you will be able to breath again soonest, you will be able to delight in the light of day and in all of the things you once did.

The best I can do is give you an electronic Bighug.
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#10
I really feel for you as well. I myself am guilty of getting into relationships with guys who have a lot of baggage or issues (the last guy I dated seriously used to be a prostitute), knowing the potential risks and thinking I can handle it, if something goes sour. And every time, I fall for them deeply and end up being devastated when it goes wrong. I don't know why I do it to myself. My last relationship ended in December and that was after being in 3 serious relationships for a total of 5 years with only a couple weeks in between them at most.

I am finally taking the time to reevaluate myself, my needs, and what I truly want out of life and out of love. I am taking time to focus on improving myself. It feels amazing honestly. I really recommend you do the same at this point in your life. Think of this time as an opportunity to make yourself better. Don't think of yourself as being alone. You have your own company. You have friends and family (I'm one at the very least), and now you have time to make new ones. Just go slow with your feelings, take time for yourself and live and love your life to the fullest! Hope this helps, and good luck!
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