Seek your advise~~~

[cardiganwearer]

You seem to be taking considered and rational decisions given the distress you must be feeling. Taking a break and moving out are probably the right things to do.

As to the nine years, you may want to consider it as a sunk cost. Whatever happens you're not getting those years back and for the most part it was good; after all. those years were going to be spent doing something. Any decision you make must be based on your guess as to what the future holds and what it will be like in the light of this new information.

At the moment you're still not thirty, starting again is a realistic option. It could be starting again with the man you've already spent years with, or you may choose another or perhaps none at all for a while. What should help you think more clearly is to exclude the nine years you've already spent together from your consideration. I'll wish you luck but I suspect your own intelligence will have more effect on the outcome.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

This is the common fear of 100% straight or 100% gay people when it comes to bisexuals. We are never certain if the Bi person is 100% happy with our gender or if they need to connect with the other gender occasionally to be 'whole' and 'happy'.

One of your later posts you say you want him to choose one gender - He is bisexual, meaning he is attracted to both genders - thus choosing one isn't going to fly.

Like the majority of other people can can choose to be monogamous.

It is no different for a bisexual to cling to one person than it is for a 100% straight or 100% gay person to do the same. A bi person is not missing out on anything more with dating other people than a gay or straight person, except that the bi person has 100% of the population to pick from, not just 50% (one gender).

This isn't a choice about which gender he wants to be with, this is a choice of who he wants to spend his life with (you or someone else).

If he was 100% straight the same choice applies, however he only has about 50% of the population to choose from (another woman).

I think what is really going on here is that after 9 years of a safe relationship with no real commitment, suddenly he is faced with marriage which we all know means for life and means you are castrated and sucked dry... OK not really castrated, but the idea of marriage carries with it a lot of things, both positive and negative.

I think he is afraid of the commitment and the implied imprisonment he is getting himself into.

IF he is near or at age 30 himself, that may be taking a mental toll. The magic numbers when it come to age are those that end in a zero - for some odd reason 30, 40, 50 have a huge impact on the mindset of individuals - perhaps it is because we are reminded that we have ended a decade which we cannot take back?

I think there may be a lot more at play here than just his sexuality, I think he has not wanted to commit to a marriage for 9 years (that is a long time to be 'dating'), and now he feels he is being pushed into dedicating his whole life to one person.

I also suspect there is more going on in the relationship and you two need a couples counselor to find out what is up with this relationship.

You can't make him choose a gender... He is bisexual. He can choose marriage, monogamy and one person...

Monogamy is not a natural state for human beings, that is why it is so special and why we place so much importance on it.

I suspect he may really have issues with the monogamy part, not the bisexuality.

Couples counseling will most likely include individual counseling for each of you.

I don't know about the moving out part. That usually tends to send the message that the relationship is beyond repair. That is really something a couple's therapy can help you both decide if it is right for your relationship (a healthy step) or if it is going to do more harm.

Stop whatever it is you are doing and seek a couples therapist and work on the relationship, not on his sexuality (which mayn't be the real problem here).

[Loser]

Rationally, i wish i could just let go - break up permanently. Yet it never be an easy case to just let go like this since we have been living together for so long...

For the past one month, he act as usual like nothing happened before....or should be both of us act like nothing happened yet deep inside myself....i m very clear that things already different.

i tried to break the news to my family that we've decided to take a break for this relationship, but my family seems not supportive and kept asking for the reason. But how am i going to break this out to them? To tell them the truth? My bf make me promised not to tell anyone else around us....yet my family seems does not understanding on my decision at all.

They insisted that it might be my problem to caused all these happened. It upset me..he such a perfect person in my family's mind. Yet i was the person in fault....things all goes wrong......

Your English is good!


But the word "break" can have a few different meanings.

Did you want to "break up" permanently?

Or did you mean to "take a break" (pause) in the relationship.

I think the difference here is important to understanding how YOU feel about this relationship.

If you tried to "break up" (end, finish, terminate) the relationship, then you must be in a very uncomfortable position knowing that apparently your boyfriend wants to stay together just in order to save himself the embarrassment of being discovered.

On the other hand, if you simply want to "take a break" (put on hold, rest, pause temporarily) then maybe you think there is something that could work.

Either way, I have to admit that I think you're in an unfair position as he asked you to "put it down, and let it go". I don't know if that is realistic or if I could do that in your position.

[Loser]

I do understand that he is a bi person that he was attracted by both gender. As a straight woman, when comes into a relationship, we used to stay alert on same gender surrounded our partner. For now, i have to guard on both gender. It sounds so sarcastic and ridiculous. I dont wish to be the one like this.

He wanna lead a so called "normal" life like others...yet if he could not control his urge well for the following 30-40years....things could not work as well.

I feel so weak to supervise him over this....

For the marriage, he is the one who initiate for this. He wish to have a marriage and family like others. Now recalling back, is this something he trying to force himself to commit into in order to get him out from this?

i'm so confused....

This is the common fear of 100% straight or 100% gay people when it comes to bisexuals. We are never certain if the Bi person is 100% happy with our gender or if they need to connect with the other gender occasionally to be 'whole' and 'happy'.

One of your later posts you say you want him to choose one gender - He is bisexual, meaning he is attracted to both genders - thus choosing one isn't going to fly.

Like the majority of other people can can choose to be monogamous.

It is no different for a bisexual to cling to one person than it is for a 100% straight or 100% gay person to do the same. A bi person is not missing out on anything more with dating other people than a gay or straight person, except that the bi person has 100% of the population to pick from, not just 50% (one gender).

This isn't a choice about which gender he wants to be with, this is a choice of who he wants to spend his life with (you or someone else).

If he was 100% straight the same choice applies, however he only has about 50% of the population to choose from (another woman).

I think what is really going on here is that after 9 years of a safe relationship with no real commitment, suddenly he is faced with marriage which we all know means for life and means you are castrated and sucked dry... OK not really castrated, but the idea of marriage carries with it a lot of things, both positive and negative.

I think he is afraid of the commitment and the implied imprisonment he is getting himself into.

IF he is near or at age 30 himself, that may be taking a mental toll. The magic numbers when it come to age are those that end in a zero - for some odd reason 30, 40, 50 have a huge impact on the mindset of individuals - perhaps it is because we are reminded that we have ended a decade which we cannot take back?

I think there may be a lot more at play here than just his sexuality, I think he has not wanted to commit to a marriage for 9 years (that is a long time to be 'dating'), and now he feels he is being pushed into dedicating his whole life to one person.

I also suspect there is more going on in the relationship and you two need a couples counselor to find out what is up with this relationship.

You can't make him choose a gender... He is bisexual. He can choose marriage, monogamy and one person...

Monogamy is not a natural state for human beings, that is why it is so special and why we place so much importance on it.

I suspect he may really have issues with the monogamy part, not the bisexuality.

Couples counseling will most likely include individual counseling for each of you.

I don't know about the moving out part. That usually tends to send the message that the relationship is beyond repair. That is really something a couple's therapy can help you both decide if it is right for your relationship (a healthy step) or if it is going to do more harm.

Stop whatever it is you are doing and seek a couples therapist and work on the relationship, not on his sexuality (which mayn't be the real problem here).

[Counselor]

You are already doing everything you should in your circumstances. And yes, he was cheating, even if he was straight, it would be cheating. Some married closeted gay men (*raises hand*) don't cheat because the risk of being "discovered", or transmitting diseases, so beyond cheating, he has been disrespectful towards YOUR safety, which, while it is your decision on how to deal with it, I would not tolerate that disrespect, and allowing it to continue is an abuse to yourself that no one deserves.

[LateBloomer]

The problem with your family may help to accelerate your decision.

After all, why should YOU look bad when it was your boyfriend who made the mistake?

It's not fair, none of it. You were treated unfairly by your boyfriend and now your family.

Eventually you'll have to stand up for yourself and speak YOUR truth quietly, but be very clear.

It's probably the most difficult thing you'll ever have to do, but it's better this way. Can you imagine being in this situation after 10 years of marriage with two children, etc...???

Best wishes for you.