KEEP GOING or TAKE WHAT I HAVE n' LEAVE

[Wolf45]

Dated a guy for 8 years now. Started off with 6 months of dating, then moved to "ok lets be monogamous". Seemed like a nice guy and we each like what the other had physically. I was blessed/cursed with a 9" cock, and he was a fit furry guy. We always lived separate since he was a bit OCD about things but tolerable to date but not to move in. He maintained a secret life for 5 years during which time I went thru school and got my degree. We were now both professionals. I caught him cheating. Long story short, he was a chronic cheater, unsafe, but now I was somewhat "vested" in the relationship, so I he paid off my school loan of a few thousand dollars and begged forgiveness. Seemed sincere, I didn't know the full details of his regressions though yet. So now I'm earning money and encouraging him to open his own business as a dream of his. He opens it and gave me full credit for his success. He continued to cheat which I discovered, but now am desensitized to a bit more. He apologized, and I got a new sports car. I didn't forgive him but he claimed he really wanted to work on the relationship. 6 months later, cheats again online but I find all his texts and while going to one couples therapy session with a therapist he'd seen since the first cheating episode, I said "here you go, he's lying to you and me and here's the proof" and I left. Well he caved and all came out including most cheatings I'd not known about but there were still more. I had found a home I wanted and hesitated on while we managed to stay friendly. He wanted to go in half. I know it was in retrospect a poor idea but ended up rationalizing this nice home and co-got a mortgage. He gets drunk one night when we had a male guest over for dinner and got jealous. His actions were strange and for the first time in his history he gave me a black eye. He was out of the house and with a legal threat and fear of social ramifications he paid off the house and signed over to me. Now we have no ties. Well, he's remorseful, I'm solvent but put myself into my job and family. Then he comes out to his family after years (I'd been out to mine for a long time) and they're all cool and he appears to be a better person with the lack of living in the closet stress. Doesnt' forgive his sins, but am happy he's a better person on one level. 6 months ago (we're going on 7-8 years now) a new car shows up in the driveway in both our names. Nice daily driver but as we're in the same field and our professional job roles overlap to some degree, and having a confirmed distrust for his ability for monogamy, I figure what the hell... it was a nice ride. Now I feel like a maintained whore, yet everything is in my name, but they were all guilt offerings.
I get a call 8 months ago from him with a nervous tone and "to get myself checked out". OH SHIT. Yep... STD. Syphillis, go figure. Curable but goes on a national data base. Counselor says could be a recent infection or obtained years ago before I met him. I'm going with recent, I decided. I did the cure, and I was lucky.
Every 3-6 months there's a sin then a prize. I've told him I will date others and we'll continue to be friendly. He insists he's a changed man but all I hear is one of those old See-N-Say pull-string toys with the arrow point to the cheater: "the cheater says.... "it won't happen again""
Now both our families know each other and like both of us, but I know there will be another sin, because I've allowed them this far. Unlike most relationships, mine comes with consolation prizes. Strangely, I'm actually a great looking guy with physical attributes desired by the shallow gay community, so I can surely find some cool guy in the mix who is deep and date-worthy and honest. 8 years ago I was struggling, now I'm solvent with a good job and live below my means. Now I just need someone I like around me. Its hard to look at someone who I blatantly told this week: "Why do you bother coming over to my house when you know I will push you away and be distant since I will always consider you a liar". He said "I'll change that". I envision a private jet at this rate within 10 years, but I miss true companionship. I don't believe people can change, period. I think we're hardwired who we are.
I need advice on how to cut my future losses (and gains) or whether people can change. I'm mentally tired from the last 7 years. GIMME OPINIONS PEOPLE.

[LONDONER]

Hi Wolf45. Could you edit your post in to some shorter paragraphs? They are so much more easy to read.

[Geminize]

Welcome to GS.

I like to think that people can change. However, you have already given him too many opportunities to prove himself. I give you a lot of credit for separating a complicated situation with your house and finances. From what you have shared here, I say it's time for you to move on and find someone who will be true to you. Why put yourself through this pattern over and over?

[KawaiiKitty]

Personally I would have dumped his ass the first time he cheated and never looked back. It really sounds like you have your mind made up to leave him and you are just looking for someone to back you up and say its the right thing to do. It IS the right thing to do. He's cheated multiple times now. And even if he did stop cheating on you, it will still always be in the back of your mind. He comes home late from work and doesnt call, you would probably be suspicious even if he hadnt cheated. He has shattered all the trust you have ever had in him by cheating. Cheating once, yeah that might be a mistake. It would be hard to overcome but its possible. Multiple instances of cheating? Yeah thats a pattern. I say cut your losses and move on. If you can still be friends and nothing more then great. If not you need to cut him out of your life else you will just be stringing both of yourselves along.(especially him since he will think there is a sliver of a chance you will take him back)

[Undreamt]

I'd say it really depends on your situation. Maybe i'm reading things wrong but it doesn't seem that the cheating is the thing that is the real problem. I mean if you were that upset about him fooling around with other men then I don't think you would have hung around as long as you have.
It seems more like the distrust and dishonesty is the bigger problem.

People can change but they are not going to change into what you want (only what they want).

[Nick9]

Hi and welcome,

that is a very interesting story...

Hmm, are you sure you want to leave? Or do you just think that the right thing would be to leave? Because, clearly, there has been something for you in the relationship. Otherwise it wouldn't have lasted for so long. I think that the money are just a part of it.
Maybe you like being the dominant figure in your relationship? The needed one, the one your partner wants to appease, the one who is begged to stay?
I don't mean it in a bad way. I don't actually think that you are a victim in this relationship. It seems to be a well managed symbiosis.

Why would you want to leave now, after so many years? Hmm, no, my question is: why do you consider it? Because you don't want it (yet?). If you did, you would be away already. There is something that keeps you together. We don't need to know what it is, but you need to decide for yourself, if the lack of that something, wouldn't be missed after your separation.

If there wasn't that game of pushing and pulling, would you enjoy the relationship more? Are there other qualities that your partner has, but others may not? Would you like to share a household with someone? Or are you too comfortable not to? What you have with your partner is not a standard. Would so called standard satisfy you?

You are the more powerful in the relationship. Your partner does something, he regrets, apologizes and fights to win you back. It's probable that you won't have this in most of the possible future relationships. Would you miss that?

Sure, you will get other things. But you have been living like that for 8 years and you haven't left, so I think that you don't mind it too much, or that you may even like it.

So... you decide

[HomeagainNYC]

Hi Wolf,

Private jets are overrated; you might get AIDS before you get the jet. Take what you have n' leave.

[pellaz]

leave him
if you do, if you can, when you find a new serious BF make sure you cut all ties with him.

stay with him
get a lawyer to draw up a couples agreement, dont wast your time read up on the process, sign date and notarize the document and put it in your bank deposit box. Clear understanding his cheating will not be tolerated. get him to put you on any real estate titles, cars. you have only joint credit cards and bank accounts. You have access to his cell phone, computer. You 2 life together and everyone expected in the same house in the evenings. In effect you are married.

[Nick9]

You have access to his cell phone, computer.

I admit I don't understand why people should have access to their partner's cell phones or computers.

I think that trust and privacy are a huge part of being a couple. I don't have password protected my cell phone and laptop, but I know that my partner would never check my messages or other stuff. I wouldn't do that either.
By not having a password I don't give him access to my things. I am showing him my trust that he won't search my things and telling him that I respect his privacy too.

[pellaz]

would this not dent your trust factor?
first time you catch someone cheating, not telling the truth to your satisfaction
up till that point no dont go through someone's cell/computer etc.
Catch someone cheating things need to change.

than again i can say i dont care if my partner needed to use my cell phone or computer. It makes me nervous if a partner has druthers if i ask to use his cell and he says no.