KEEP GOING or TAKE WHAT I HAVE n' LEAVE

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Wolf welcome to G.S.

First let me say ,I am so very sorry this is happening to you.

I think you are well aware of the honeymoon cycle of abusive relationships,you got out of it pretty lightly with a black eye ,however once violence shows it's ugly head in a relationship ,trust flies out the window .

He cheats because he can and has little respect for you.
You have to take a stand here, a pretty tough one and only you can do it,at the moment because you are staying friends with him and his family ,you are giving him hope for a loving relationship between you.

Some people can change others can't but do not kid yourself in believing that you can trust him again like you used to.

A relationship is hard work ,a relationship without trust is even harder.

We are all here for you.

[MisterTinkles]

You've got your own good thing going.

Dont need no cheater dragging you down.

Take what you have and leave.......go VERY far away!!!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He isn't going to change, he is who he is and honestly it sounds like its ugly wrapped in more ugly. Definitely he is manipulative.

See I have been in this sort of relationship, unlike you I have hard lines - that punch would have been the line, the point of no return. I know from experience how the manipulation appears to be something else and how their earnest pleas of 'I will change' sound like truths... I also know that once they are rotten to the core they ain't going to change while you are around.

Right now the last thing you need is another relationship. End this relationship and then take a year off and rediscover who you are as an individual without being part of an 'us'.

I would suggest therapy for a while, just to get the attic checked out, deal with whatever left over crap is there (there is left over crap, there is ALWAYS left over crap).

You invested 8 years here, and have been through 8 years of what amounts to abuse. That leaves its mark and will affect how you approach future relationships, how you treat the next man in your life, what you do,how you perceive of the relationship, and since your trust has been betrayed again and again you most likely will read 'he is cheating' in anything he may do only because you have gotten used to looking for symptoms of a cheat.

So a serious series of sessions with a therapist to work on a few things is more important right now than finding another guy.

Another thing, those who are abused have a tendency to get in the relationship with one abuser after another. Our personalities tend to signal to abusers that we are ripe for the picking, and we tend to fall for the abuser because there is something about their mentality (other than the punches, screaming and other crappy gives they give) that appeals to us.

http://www.yourdocmedical.co.uk/articles/196 may help explain this better.

A therapist will help you isolate what it is about you that attracts this type of fella, and will help you discover what it is about that type of fella that makes them so attractive to you that way you can have a better chance of not falling into the same trap.

No its not easy. After all these years I still fall for the same type of fella - I'm just a wee bit better at not allowing them to get too close because I am aware of what they really are.

Get some of that knowledge of self in you before you go searching for the next relationship, it will improve your odds of not falling into this vicious cycle.

Aside from your good looks and 9" dick, I have to assume there is more to you that deserves a good man not just 'any man'. Do what needs to be done to find him, not another loser.

[Wolf45]

Really appreciate the response. Articulated well. I gave him the "I don't trust you and never will" speech and he got it. Nothing changes, just means he gets it. I told him I will consistently push him away and see other people, not to try (yet he does), and lets be good acquaintances.

[LateBloomer]

Sorry for joining the thread late.

I'm interested in this topic, but really lack any meaningful experience. I just want to register my opinion, which is probably a little too philosophical to be practical.

But I believe, basically this is a paradox. People CANNNOT change, but eventually THEY DO.

They just don't change in the ways WE NEED.

I once read, when we marry someone, we marry 3 people:

1) The person we THINK they are.
2) The person they REALLY are.
And
3) The person they're GOING TO BE.

It's enough to swear off relationships right? Wow.
Good luck, to all of us.