Cheating

[charly]

Hello,

My name is Charly and I am here to seek advice on something that has recently happened to me.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for approximately 1.5 years. The beginning of the relationship was really good but we have often had our differences. We have sometimes also been a bit hesitant when it comes to our intimate relationships with another, I have always felt it was hard to describe to him what I needed.

In any case, about six weeks ago moy boyfriend was taking a shower. I saw his mobile phone on the night stand and I felt a sudden urge to read his email so I picked up his phone and opened his email account. Yes, I realize how bad it sounds and I never expected to find what I found. Also, I want to clarify that I had never done that before.

I found a message from another man who he had been in contact with. It was a rather sexual message so as soon as my boyfriend came out of the shower, I spoke to him. He was shocked to know that I had checked his phone without his permission but admitted to having had cyber sex with another man. He said he had been doing it just for a few weeks and promised me he would stop. Whilst I was hurt, we decided to continue together.

Two days ago, we were on the computer together and my boyfriend opened his email account. He then received a phone call and went to another room to talk to a relative of his. I felt the urge again to check his email account and I saw that he had been in fact in contact with this other guy for appeoximately 10 months.

I had a huge fught with my boyfriend who felt ashamed and admitted that he had been cyber sexing with other men. Also, he admitted that he had been in contact with other men at the gym and had pleasured himself with them in the showers. It has been going on for months but my boyfriend promised me he would stop because he loves me very much.

At the moment, I am confused. I am angry and I am not sure how to go about this. Should I forgive him? Can I ever trust him again. I want to point out that I also apologized to him for having read his messages, but I feel his betrayal is much bigger.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Charly

[Nick9]

Welcome to GS.

So, you were spying on him and apologized. All is good.
He cheated on you and apologized.

Where is the problem again?

Can you see what you are doing? There is no "bigger" betrayal. You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you. It's over. You didn't love him enough to trust him. Otherwise you wouldn't break his privacy.

[LateBloomer]

Yes, I'm afraid when the trust is gone, it's gone.

A good friend of mine told me once: Be careful when you go looking for trouble. You just might find it.

Seems sooner or later you would have found it. Since you went looking you found it sooner. Maybe that's better than living a lie for a longer period of time. I don't know.

Good luck.

[East]

I believe that lust and love are two different things and are not mutually exclusive.

You did invade his privacy and his trust. I don't mean to scold you but you need to consider this.

Maybe have a conversation with yourself and ask yourself how you feel about love and lust...really think about it... and also how you feel about invasion of privacy and once you have given yourself enough time to think about all of those things maybe talk to him about it. Communication is key to just about everything in any relationship.

[pellaz]

i dont think you were wrong to snoop, good for you. If it saves the relationship do it again.

at some point you need to forgive him. Better sooner than later if you are going to do it at all. Maybe have a good sit down talk with him what you need. go for some couples training. I think at this point each one of you guys give up your passwords and stop keeping secrets. Keep it simple, share your lives as a loving couple.

unless your an angle you have to ask your self what if it were you cheating.

[Dan1980]

Hi you need to talk to your boyfriend, communication is an important part of a relationship. He cheated on you, you need to ask him why.

[Sylph]

Cheating to me says 1 of 2 things;

1) He's unsatisfied/unhappy

2) He does not respect you enough

And my reason for 2, as 1 can be somewhat obvious, is that he should or would've told you upfront about his first infidelity and either truely stopped or broken up with you, to spare your feelings.

Dicks don't just jump out of pants and accidentally get hard and it be a "oopsie" moment, there is some thought and attraction that comes with it and that very fact means he did it intentionally, showing disregard for you and/or whatever you two had together.

Dump Trash in the Dumpster hunny, where it belongs and go shopping for nice apples and not rotten ones.

As for spying/peeking, I disagree with that part, but what's in the past is in the past, but you have to realize it does come off alittle distrusting, and that you have to allow him to be a man and tell you or just question/talk to him.

Even if your intuitions were right this time, it's still not right to invade a persons privacy.

[TomStatic]

Its hard to get someone to prove to u they are been honest, so you just gotta figure out if he is trying to get your trust back , or if he is a lost cause, as at the end of the day your the one been hurt and u have look out for yourself first

[pellaz]

think it through with care, take a few days if you need it. go figure what you need to get over this. If he is unwilling to give it to you, what ever it is, throw his ass to the curb.

otherwise you will be looking over your shoulder for a long time. I bet the feeling will wear off but can you want to wait that long. better to fix it now or end it.

i think you were spot on spying on him, good for you. He is trying to transfer the blame in all of this to you

[Geminize]

I agree with zbar -- lust and love are two different things. You will hear some very strong opinions here that betrayal cannot be overcome. I disagree. Lovers can make mistakes and overcome them. It's not easy: he's been cheating, you've been snooping.

To get through this you need to understand each others' needs. What is he looking for outside of your relationship? What do you need in order to trust him again? If you haven't come to shouting and/or tears together over this... you're not doing it right. If you want him, bare your soul. You might get hurt, but you will discover whether there is something there worth saving.

You haven't shared your age: I'm guessing early 20's. Maybe you haven't had to do this level of communication with a partner before. Stand your ground, explore each others' needs and weaknesses, hold each others' best interest in mind. Easy to say... less easy to do.

You are worth it. Your relationship is worth the effort. Good luck.