Cheating

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have been in two relationships where my partner did a bit of cheating. After the first one I was stupid enough to allow the second one to cheat (I found out) then proceeded to go to couples counseling with him and hear his heroic tale of how he was defeating his need for sex, speed and other men.

12 years later I discovered that he was just a really, really good liar, at least 120 different men he had sex with...



The disposal of the body is always the tricky part. I suggest lime for the soft tissues, a grinder for the bone. Bone meal on plant soils results on stronger, better, happier plants.

If murder is not your cup of tea, then its time to seriously consider leaving him Or couples counseling.

He lied to you, and continues to lie. He got caught, he knows he did wrong but compounds the wrong with lies.

Can you really trust him after this? Not really.

Liars always lie, Manipulators always manipulate. Cheaters always cheat, Abusers always abuse... These are constants in the universe and its very rare when these leopards change their spots.

And changing their behaviors does not happen over night, it takes time, often therapy and counseling and a sheer will thrown behind the effort. Few magically change overnight.

But then he is only half the problem, then there is YOU. I can understand the first time you peeked at his phone, sheer curiosity. The second time you checked his email was because you had seriously doubts about his tale.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/20...er-cheats/ Is one example out there of many of the 'inner struggle' the partner who has been cheated on goes through.

Google has bad news for us.... https://www.google.com/#output=search&sc...39&bih=707 site after site take up the subject, a lot of people have been there and discover that once that trust is lost it is really, really hard to recapture it.

So lets say he does a sudden turn around and never cheats again, can you sit there and honestly say you will be able to trust him again with ease? Or will your gut be telling you to check his email tomorrow, and next week and the month after?

The next issue that strikes and you have an argument, will you be able to keep from throwing this in his face over and over again?

Communication here is not the only think you two need. You need a professional who will sit down, listen to both sides of the story and help you both own whatever it is you have going on.

If it was me, and with my own personal experiences it would be lime and grinder... I'm sick and tired of manipulating, cheating bastards and will kill the next one in my life. A side effect of old age and a touch of bitterness.

[KawaiiKitty]

I don't think you were snooping at all. My bf and I have an open relationship. By open I mean we have very few if any secrets from each other. We both know all passwords for each others accounts and everything. If you have nothing to hide why shouldn't your partner have access to those things? Why would you need his [B][B]permission[/B][/B] to check his phone?

I would have done the same thing you did if I felt my bf was cheating on me. Noone just gets te certain urge to go thru their SO's eail without some kind of suspicion to begin with.

I cant tell you what to do in your relationship but for myself once the trust has been broken I could never trust him again. Trust is pretty much the ultimate quality that holds a relationship together. If there is no trust then there is no relationship. It's like expecting a car to run perfectly with an engine. From the outside it might look like a brand new car bt on the inside its only a former shell of itself that is completely dead. And even if the leopard changed his spots I know myself well enough to say that the cheating would lays be in the back of my mind. He could apologize a million times over and I could forgive him a million times oer but to forget something like that would be nearly impossible. Every time he sent a text or laughed at a text message or sent an email. Would be wondering if he's cheating on me again.

Just some food for thought,

[pellaz]

in this case the partner cheating is trying to transfer the blame to the one that was snooping. I say to the snooper be strong and fix the relationship of call it quits.

Better to have caught it now than much later.

Maybe its a new normal but couples dont keep secrets period. Technically you cant "snoop" on your spouse, the term dosnt apply.

Think it through, take a few days and be careful what you say.

[Nick9]

I am amazed by how many people think that spying on their partner is ok... I have nothing to hide, my laptop is on all the time, my partner knows the password to my cell, but he would never look, just as I wouldn't.
I am willing to forgive cheating, but never this. Cheating is breaking the trust, but there is also lust involved. But snooping - that is simply breaking the trust. The OP had no evidence, he just "wanted to look" :eek:

I am not going through my partner's laptop, cellphone, his drawers, his suitcase, I knock when I want to enter is room. The kids are taught the same.
Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are supposed to give up your personal space.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hmm. Obviously a relationship of that much trust to where you cannot/will-not peek opens the doors for the other to do bad people, I mean bad things, I mean other people. All of the above...

I have 'privacy issues' in that I had my privacy severely intruded upon, plus the super jealous relationship where everything I did I had to get clearance for... So for me having my own 'space' is kinda important. However I blindly kept to this privacy thing when it was the worst possible thing to do.

I went for 14 years not looking at someone's emails - Just think had I pried just a little I could have shaved off at least ten years of wasted relationship and moved on to something or someone new and be in a happier place.

But Noooo. I allowed trust to get in the way of reality. So I got exactly what I deserved for allowing that much privacy. Shame on me.

Thousands of dollars I threw at his debt, 4380 nights without sex, putting up with his lies, his deciets, his f-ing socks stuffed between couch cushions, cleaning up his piss because he breaks dances while peeing, dealing with the million little things that really irritated me, such as his never, ever putting a new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser to his annoying habit of making that noise at night, you know the sound, that breathing.

Why? Because I trusted his lying, cheating ass and believed he was monogamous and having exactly the same amount of sex as me. Zero. but nooooo he has at least - AT LEAST 120 sex partner in the 12 years I remained virtually celibate and dedicate to him thinking that it was love.

The next person who I get involved with there is going to be open email checks and phone checks and if they bulk its the highway. I flat refuse to trust anyone - ANYONE - further than I can throw them - nope, not even that far, I can throw a person a fair distance.

And that Nick is why people should check up on the movements and interactions one's spouse does.

[Nick9]

haha about the first sentence. Like you didn't know what I meant.

And the rest: thank you, but no thank you.
I said, no passwords, no hiding. The difference is, we don't feel the urge to check. Your partner can cheat on you without the cellphone evidence. He can has a * buddy at work.

Checking emails, cellphone, browser history or his pockets won't make you feel any safer, B.A.

[Dan1980]

What about the cheating. All we can talk about on this thread is the checking of emails and his boyfriends phone. The poster was cheated on and that's no fun.

[Dan1980]

Welcome to GS.

So, you were spying on him and apologized. All is good.
He cheated on you and apologized.

Where is the problem again?

Can you see what you are doing? There is no "bigger" betrayal. You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you. It's over. You didn't love him enough to trust him. Otherwise you wouldn't break his privacy.

The problem was that he was cheated on Nick.

[Nick9]

The problem was that he was cheated on Nick.

I know. That's why I said:

You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you. It's over.

[pellaz]

I am amazed by how many people think that spying on their partner is ok ...

how many gay couples actually sit down to setup the relationship? I didnt and doubt a lot of guys have. so where are these rules written as what is ok and not.