Ok...I didn't cheat...but....

[BorneoJake]

I'm not that experienced with relationships, but I will do the best in my ability to help you out. I would sit down with your partner and tell him everything you are feeling. I know a lot of people are going to be telling you to do the same thing, but trust me i think the key to a good relationship is honesty and communication. You should also both try to walk in each others foot steps and understand where you guys are coming from. I hope this advice helps you guys! I'm sure you can work it out

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If he has libido killing meds then he has a medical reason for not participating in sex. It happens, and couples adapt, couples accept these bumps in the road.

Or they separate/divorce, kill one another - whatever....

Last year I ended a 14 year relationship.

For the last 12 years of that relationship we didn't have sex. He had gotten a positive test score on his HIV test, he didn't want to infect me - blah blah blah. Sex went the way of the do-do bird and I grinned and bore it like a man because I was in a monogamous relationship and faithfulness was far, far more important to me than getting off.

I literally haven't had sex since the last century....

That isn't to say I haven't orgasm in the past 13 years... I have hands.... Something which I assume you have at least one of, or did you type your question with your nose?

Yeah I know, there is intimacy with a person one doesn't get with the hand(s)... however there is no reason why you and your partner cannot still hug/cuddle/snuggle while watching TV or whatever it is you two do together.


If he is unwilling to do that, then there is something else wrong in your relationship, and perhaps couples therapy is needed to address THAT (the low libido is a medical condition, no amount of therapy will fix it).

[Nick9]

If he is unwilling to do that, then there is something else wrong in your relationship, and perhaps couples therapy is needed to address THAT.

Amen to that

[Anonymous]

If he has libido killing meds then he has a medical reason for not participating in sex. It happens, and couples adapt, couples accept these bumps in the road.

Or they separate/divorce, kill one another - whatever....

Last year I ended a 14 year relationship.

For the last 12 years of that relationship we didn't have sex. He had gotten a positive test score on his HIV test, he didn't want to infect me - blah blah blah. Sex went the way of the do-do bird and I grinned and bore it like a man because I was in a monogamous relationship and faithfulness was far, far more important to me than getting off.

I literally haven't had sex since the last century....

That isn't to say I haven't orgasm in the past 13 years... I have hands.... Something which I assume you have at least one of, or did you type your question with your nose?

Yeah I know, there is intimacy with a person one doesn't get with the hand(s)... however there is no reason why you and your partner cannot still hug/cuddle/snuggle while watching TV or whatever it is you two do together.


If he is unwilling to do that, then there is something else wrong in your relationship, and perhaps couples therapy is needed to address THAT (the low libido is a medical condition, no amount of therapy will fix it).

It would be a whole different story if it was just that we couldn't have sex. He WILL NOT talk about the sex thing, and he hasn't really talked to me about ANYTHING since this all began.

This morning, I told him I couldn't continue this way. He asked if I would be willing to go to a counseler. I said yes. We will see what happens.

[Nick9]

It's probably hard for him to talk about it, so he tries to avoid that conversation.
I hope you will work it out.

[Woollyhats]

Talk about it?

You have a relationship versus what is just something that could be meaningless. Why not work on fixing what you have with the person who you love... or at least did before you started experiencing problems. Most problems are fixable once you communicate them.

[rmf]

I have to agree. Either leave or talk to him. Don't cheat

[Lalo]

When I first signed onto GS I asked for help with a similar problem. My partner and I were going through a similar experience, but we had also talked about opening up our relationship, basically to give me more freedom sexually. After much input from everyone here, I decided not to go outside of our relationship as it would hurt my partner immensely and eventually (most likely) lead to the end of our commitment to each other.

A lot of men in the situation of experiencing prolonged impotence, completely shut down. It is a defense mechanism based in the false ideal that a man's sexual value is based in the penis and the penis alone. It sounds like your partner might be going through this withdrawal from all things sexual in order to avoid the emotional pain of dealing with no erections. If that's the case, as it was with us, then you will need to help him work through this. Help him to learn what sex can be like without his penis. Don't get me wrong... I love a good hard dick! But sex is about so much more than that.

There's a lot of talking that needs to occur. Try to keep his perspective in mind during those conversations. Couples counseling is probably a great start. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

When I first signed onto GS I asked for help with a similar problem. My partner and I were going through a similar experience, but we had also talked about opening up our relationship, basically to give me more freedom sexually. After much input from everyone here, I decided not to go outside of our relationship as it would hurt my partner immensely and eventually (most likely) lead to the end of our commitment to each other.

A lot of men in the situation of experiencing prolonged impotence, completely shut down. It is a defense mechanism based in the false ideal that a man's sexual value is based in the penis and the penis alone. It sounds like your partner might be going through this withdrawal from all things sexual in order to avoid the emotional pain of dealing with no erections. If that's the case, as it was with us, then you will need to help him work through this. Help him to learn what sex can be like without his penis. Don't get me wrong... I love a good hard dick! But sex is about so much more than that.

There's a lot of talking that needs to occur. Try to keep his perspective in mind during those conversations. Couples counseling is probably a great start. Good luck.

Thank you for your post. I am normally a very open and gregarious person and my partner and I have always discussed everything...until this. He has become obsessive in his work (a defense mech imo) and I have difficulty getting him to even look me in the face when we talk. It isn't just sex that has gone; intimacy has vanished also. I am hoping that seeing a counselor will help...

[Jashi]

I can't say I know what cheating feels like, but I'm pretty sure that's never the right way to go about things. You should talk it out with him. Like others said, a relationship isn't about sex. However it does help and is essential. As frustrating as it is, bring it up and discuss it nicely. Not saying you will, but if you don't end up hearing what you want to hear, don't blow up. I'm sure your partner wants you in the sack too, but if its because of medication then you know it's not his fault as much as its yours. So don't punish him or yourself by cheating. I'm sure you guys can work something out, there's always a way.