I need a little advice.

[Englishman]

When you spend more than half of your life with somebody, it is not that simple.

I love him dearly, with all my heart, of course I would love to take him back, but how can I?
Not only did he break my trust, and every promise he ever made to me, but he humiliated me, in my own bed, with the guy next door that I would see every single day.

Treating it as a simple business transaction is not that easy, not at all.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I ended a 14 year relationship last year because I found out that my ex was averaging ten men per year for 12 years... To make it worse after he got a positive hit on his HIV test (in the second year of our relationship) he denied me full access to sex with him because of some lame story of his not wanting to pass on the virus... Apparently potentially passing on the virus to 120 men is not the same as potentially passing the virus on to me...

For 12 years I remained faithful to my partner, which meant forced celibacy. Well for me, he on the other hand apparently was handed the 'go out and fuck everyone under the sun' pass.

Assuming for the moment that my ex and I had a relatively decent sex life and I caught him in bed with one man. Yes I would be hurt, betrayed, raging at the horribly cruel world - however 14 years invested into a life together would temper my action/reaction and I would seek to make it work.

I am not telling you this to cause you to pity me, no, I am trying to point out that this 'situation' you find yourself in could be far worse than it is.


If your mate hasn't raised a hand at you - you are doing very well with that relationship. If you can look back at the 16 years previous and find very few problems in your relationship, such as his beating the crap out of you, belittling you, abusing you emotionally, verbally and what not - you are far, far better off than the 40% of relationships that have that crap going on.

Instead of looking at this one betrayal of trust, you need to look at the larger picture and decide based on the majority of his actions and how your relationship operated in the past if he is a 'decent enough' fella worth being part of an 'Us' with.

Yes he cheated, yes cheating hurts - a lot - so much that often a relationship just can't continue no matter what both parties try to do to reconcile and patch it up.

However I hear you saying 'I flat refuse to try to fix this' and you apparently feel you must punish yourself here.

There is couple counseling and therapy, there is the potential for reconciliation. But you have to try first - and see if you can reconcile before you throw it all away.

Even if you can't patch up the relationship and make it work as two lovers - there is the probability here that you two can be friends/flat mates whatever.

My ex is now merely my 'roommate'. Yeah sure, there are days I look at him and want to snap his frail neck for the things he stole from me - trust, love.. you know those immaterial things that have no way to measure their 'worth' in a dollar sense. I have my days of 'anger' over things lost. But we were comfortable enough and friendly enough for 14 years that I can put that aside and be 'friends' with him and live under the same roof until he gets a job and moves out of my house....

So there is this potential for you as well. Live together, be roommates and share whatever 'us' stuff you got and slowly work on detangling and separating the 'Mine' from 'Yours'

You share a business together, a flat together a life together. Yes I know, after a few years of making a household with a person it becomes unclear what belongs to whom - However as roommate you two can share that stuff which is not clearly defined as yours or his and work out over time who gets what when one of you moves out.

My recommendation is:

1. Try couples counseling and reconciliation - yes its a lot of work, yes there will be issues and pain, however I seriously doubt that you will find much better men. A known 'bad' is often much better than the unknown evils a new mate brings.

2. Try to live together as roommates if Couple's Counseling resolves nothing. Slowly untangle your lives and figure out civil, friendly ways to disengage from this relationship.

[Englishman]

Mt Aerrow,
Thank you for your frank and personal reply.
Of course you are right, things could be much worse.
Yes the past has been almost perfect, and I know for sure this is the only time, but that is what makes it worse in my eyes.

We were both each others first love, I have been with 1 guy, him
He has been with 2 guys....

It is the fact something so special and meaningful was worth nothing to him.
Everything I own, is half his, everything, the car, my clothes, everything.

Yes it is true, at the moment I am refusing point blank, maybe I am being stupid, maybe I'm not, either way, once a cheat, always a cheat my Dad always said.

At the same time though, I miss him so damn much, I just want to grab him and kiss him, but I know where he's been.
With that smug, horrible man next door.

I could never imagine the friends thing working, I really couldn't.

Of course I need to talk to him, but how!

[Nick9]

When you spend more than half of your life with somebody, it is not that simple.

Trust me, I know.

I love him dearly, with all my heart, of course I would love to take him back,

Well, stop making such a fuss about one cheating. You even don't know if it was only once or more times.

You need to decide. Will your life be better without him? If you spent just short time together, I would say breakup.

But after 17 years, there is a lot of things that ties you together. And you won't be able to erase them.

I think that you owe it to yourself to work on the relationship. If you don't try, you can easily regret it.

[Nick9]

We were both each others first love,

That's the problem.

At one point in your life, you start to wonder what it would be like with someone else. I strongly believe it is natural to feel that way. If you act on the desire, that's another thing.

But it is quite possible that it wouldn't happen if he had more partners, and that you wouldn't feel so strong about it if you had more partners before meeting him.

[Englishman]

That's the problem.

you wouldn't feel so strong about it if you had more partners before meeting him.

The number of people I have slept with is irrelevant, I happen to respect myself and believe that sex is a special moment that love each other, and not for any old Tom, Dick or Harry.

The sad thing is, he was always much more vocal about it than I am.

I know it was the first time he cheated, I know him well enough to tell when he is hiding something.

I am currently attempting to type an email to him, but so far I have 3 words.

'I miss you'.

[MisterTinkles]

WOW.

Ok, since youre new here, I wont be my brutal self.

I will say HOORAY!! You did exactly what I would have done!!
Cant love a cheater, cant respect a cheater, cant live with a cheater.

Its very difficult for you right now, but I suggest you get a lawyer very quickly.
Im not sure how the legal system works over there, but if you cant afford a lawyer, you might be able to find some kind of free legal help or advice.

At some point you will have to deal with him, so you need to psych yourself up and get ready for it.
For his lame excuses, for his unfeeling apologies, for his useless prattle you will have to endure.

You deserve to have what you put into the relationship for these oh so many years.
Take what you want from the relationship and have the house put up for sale and both of you take half of the sale of the property.

AND DONT EVER SEE HIM ALONE! ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE THERE TO PULL YOU AWAY FROM HIS "CHARMS", OR ONLY SPEAK TO HIM WITH A LAWYER PRESENT.

Thats just tragic. And who knows how long it was going on before you caught them?

If I had devoted my life to someone like that, and they just chucked it in the garbage like that......Im pretty sure I would have done a lot more before walking out the door and disappearing.

But thats just me.


You need to get your half of everything and go on with your life.

Everytime you see him, put him in devil horns, a pointed tail, and a pitchfork.....that should help disuede you.

[Dan1980]

The number of people I have slept with is irrelevant, I happen to respect myself and believe that sex is a special moment that love each other, and not for any old Tom, Dick or Harry.

The sad thing is, he was always much more vocal about it than I am.

I know it was the first time he cheated, I know him well enough to tell when he is hiding something.

I am currently attempting to type an email to him, but so far I have 3 words.

'I miss you'.

Tell him in your email that's he's hurt you and why after all those years together. You need answers it will keep you from wondering why he did it.

[Nick9]

The number of people I have slept with is irrelevant,

for you. He can feel differently. I've never cheated on my partner and I believe he hasn't either. But if he would now, I would not breakup with him. Because over all those years he has been a good and reliable partner.

The 17 years of yours, mean something. Sure, you may find someone else who will be faithful to you. But that is not enough to stay with the person for 17 years.

You must decide, if his slipping is enough for you to erase those 17 years. But I think that you are running out of time. You put him in a humiliating position too - by letting him beg. It has been two months now? He won't do it for much longer.

[Englishman]

WOW.

Ok, since youre new here, I wont be my brutal self.

I will say HOORAY!! You did exactly what I would have done!!
Cant love a cheater, cant respect a cheater, cant live with a cheater.

Thank you Mister Tinkles, that is exactly how I feel.

Please, feel free to be brutal, I have just as sharp a tongue, and I am quite capable of seeing a serious debate as to what it is, simply somebody voicing a different opinion from my own, it takes a lot to offend me, and I relish a good friendly, if heated at times, debate.

Yes I can get legal aid, at least I think I can, and the lady next door is a solicitor, and she keeps offering her services at 'mates rates'.

But do I really want to go down this route, once I start there's no going back.

It's stupid, but I love him to much to hurt him.