My phone was plugged in in our bedroom, we had a friend over, after I put the baby down to bed I went out back to join them for a cigarette. I asked to use his phone, sent the text and was holding the phone waiting for her reply when they went inside. Boredom? Intuition? I don't know. I just started poking around. I know it's a huge invasion of privacy. He wouldn't expect me to go through it either so I don't think he thought it necessary to delete them. That's part of my issue. I only know this because I looked through his phone. So now not only do I have to fess up (goodbye pride) I then have to discuss a really touchy topic.
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I promise I'm not a total bitch. I know looking was wrong. And although I didn't do it with malicious intentions it's a complete betrayal of his trust. Rock, hard place, me.
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What would I do? I'd confront him and ask what's going on. If you have to confess to reading his texts, then that's what you have to do. What else are you going to do, apart from the lawyer bit (and there's a kid involved too), otherwise it's just going to fester.
By the way, I wonder why you bothered to register with a forum like this which you've had no reason to visit before, and expect to get useful advice? There are other avenues available.
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Wasn't sure where to look and I figured asking gay men for advice on how to approach the subject without embarrassing him seemed like a good idea. Who would know better than someone who's been afraid to speak up about who they are. As for registering? This was the first site I came across. If he is into guys, whether curious or otherwise, wouldn't this be a good place to find someone he could talk to about his feelings or maybe just find someone to invite over to let him experience what it's like?
After speaking with him about the subject I intend to love him anyway. With him or not. I just wanted some perspective on whether I was reading into things or how to talk to him in an educated, caring, non judgmental way. I'm not sure why you seem to not want me here but I'll apologize anyway. I sincerely just needed some advice.
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Badmama Wrote:Wasn't sure where to look and I figured asking gay men for advice on how to approach the subject without embarrassing him seemed like a good idea. Who would know better than someone who's been afraid to speak up about who they are. As for registering? This was the first site I came across. If he is into guys, whether curious or otherwise, wouldn't this be a good place to find someone he could talk to about his feelings or maybe just find someone to invite over to let him experience what it's like?
After speaking with him about the subject I intend to love him anyway. With him or not. I just wanted some perspective on whether I was reading into things or how to talk to him in an educated, caring, non judgmental way. I'm not sure why you seem to not want me here but I'll apologize anyway. I sincerely just needed some advice.
You're very welcome here. Advice we have in spades but at least to my mind, the difficult thing in trying to give you any specific advice is I don't know you, or him, I don't know how you guys normally communicate, I don't know if he's the kind of guy who is sensitive to this sort of thing, or if he's the kind of guy that just wants to be told the truth.
I like people to be upfront with me, be they, friends, lovers, partners, strangers, whatever, I like people to be upfront, and that's the way I am with people. If I have a problem I say so, and I appreciate it when others do the same. If I don't know there is a problem I can't do anything about it. I also think that when people really do love and care for each other, almost any problem or issue can be solved, so long as there is honest communication.
It seems clear to me that this situation is really bothering you, so you've got to find a way to bring it up with him, as that's the only way you can find out what is actually going on.
Richard
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"If he is into guys, whether curious or otherwise, wouldn't this be a good place to find someone he could talk to about his feelings or maybe just find someone to invite over to let him experience what it's like?"
Are you really serious? I think I'm out of here.
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Thank you Richard. It IS bothering me. Spellbound, unfortunately for you, I am serious. Why would that bother you? I came seeking help and instead you questioned me about the texts and are now making me feel terrible for expressing myself. I certainly didn't invite you to participate in the conversation nor did I ask you to talk to him. As for finding someone for him to "play" with (sorry, I lack better terminology) I didn't ask you and there's a forum for hookups. In no way was I trying to offend you. I really don't know how to handle the situation. I'm trying to be super open minded. This is my only marriage and my only child. I certainly wasn't expecting to need this kind of advice. Please save your judgements.
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There is a remote possibility that these texts are 'joking around'.
IDK what the context of these messages are, I do not know what kind of friendship your husband and this fellow has.
Straight guys in general will call each other 'faggot', cocksucker and other derogatory terms in jest - others will tell each other 'I love you' and make the kissy kissy expression - again in jest. So it can be real hard to tell if these texts are actually reflecting a hidden relationship or are of two straight guys ribbing each other. IDK why homosexuality can be considered a joking matter, but a lot of straight guys appear to think its perfectly ok to make homoerotic suggestions to their buddies.
This is going to be a hard one to talk about. After all there is the whole ' Why were you searching through my text messages?' question which 'IDK, I was bored' is going to feel like a very lame excuse.
Then there is the chance he may lie and say ' oh its nothing, we are just joking around'... but then it could be the truth...
Next time the fantasies about homoerotic stuff comes up, perhaps ask innocently if this other guy would be part of the husband's fantasies. What he says or doesn't say may be more telling. If he gets anxious or clearly upset at the mention, then that may be indicative of other goings on.
Sorry I can't suggest anything else.
 to you...
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I'm sorry if I upset you, I didn't mean to do that.
It's just that I find it difficult that to believe that you would want to let your husband 'experience what it's like' when by the sound of it, he already has.
As I already said, I think that you should confront him, and failing that, at least secure the future for you and your child.
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Badmama, when you ask for advice on an anonymous forum you never know what's going to come back at you. Some will be sensitive and supportive, others may be harsh. It's best to have a thick skin around here.
As background for you, I was married to a woman for 19 years. We raised (are raising) 2 wonderful kids, and I loved her until she divorced me for her own reasons. My bisexuality was a challenge early in our relationship, but more as a distraction. We were able to talk about it and work through the feelings it brought up. I remained faithful throughout our marriage.
I agree with others here that it sounds like you need to deal with this issue to be at peace. I think total honesty is the best choice. Let him know you read his texts the day he handed you his phone. You can say you don't know why you did it; didn't expect to find anything. An apology is a good idea. Since you did see them, you need to know what's going on for him. As far as I'm concerned, he couldn't ask for a more understanding partner. That's how you come across anyway.
If he has said in texts that he enjoys having his buddy's dick in his mouth (joking or not) I don't think you need to worry about "attacking his manhood" with this. What's done is done: he has at least been sexually flirting with someone else, and you have violated his trust by reading his texts. The important thing is what you do next and how you handle his reaction. It could be a rough ride, but that's better than pretending none of it ever happened.
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My husband is having gay fantasies...
