My husband is having gay fantasies...

[MisterTinkles]

I've had friends who I mess around with like that. It was more of a stress relief thing from work, than it was just horsing around, talking to each other like that. Then of course, we both love to shock people.

If you think this is serious, you NEED to talk to him about it. If him fooling around is a marriage ender, then he needs to know it.

If you are ok with him having a boyfriend, then he also needs to know that. As long as YOU have the control over who and when he dates the boyfriend.

Either way, you have to talk to him about it. IF this is something serious, then you need to talk about it now....not later on in the lawyers office.

[Rainbowmum]

I have this thing about privacy and invading it , but the cat is out of the bag
I am pretty sure he has been exploring but I could be wrong.

You have a limited time window here and if I were you, I would use this opportunity to let him know what you are okay with and what you are not.

[KawaiiKitty]

Wow I cant believe people are actually attacking this lady for "invading" her HUSBAND'S privacy and caught him cheating. How exactly was she going to find out? Would you rather she walk in on her husband and his co-worker going at it? Oh that would be so much better than her finding a text message and being able to talk to her husband about it.

Im not saying privacy goes out the window when you get married but keeping secrets from each other/having sex with other people does. Im also pretty sure that keeping secrets throws any privacy you were entitled to out the window. Usually people who go through text messages like that already have some kind of suspicion which obviously she did since her husband already admitted to having homoerotic fantasies. My bf and I have an open book policy. If you have nothing to hide from your partner why do you need privacy?

There is a line he crossed and crossed big time when he started having sex with this other guy(unless the text are some elaborate joke) Lets face it 9 times out of 10 its not a joke and he is keeping secrets from her. More power to you I guess if you can still love him but that would break any kind of trust I ever had in him permanently. Even if he never cheated again I would always be questioning his honesty.

[Counselor]

Privacy is a non-issue here. These two are married, both agreed to join each other for life, for better or worse, not until things get dull and something fun shows up. Cheating nullifies any trust extended between the two in that agreement. Further, if he is cheating, he is putting her at all sorts of risks she didn't sign on for with the marriage, and that beyond a mere stumbling across text messages betrayal.

Shame on all of you that think marriage is remotely similar to dating.

[hank]

My husband and I had a talk not too long ago about our sexual fantasies and a few of his had homoerotic tones. I'm open and willing to try new things but I recently found a few text messages to his work buddy. I'm concerned that he's exploring outside of our marriage. Two questions... 1) What is your take on his texts (see below) and 2) how do I approach my straight husband about his sexuality without embarrassing him or making him defensive??

Yesterday my husband called this friend (hereafter known as Jason). Jason didn't answer but texted "In a brief". My husband replied "Love you" Jason texted back "Love u more". On July 2nd my husband texts Jason "I love you boo boo hope you have a great trip please don't think about work" Jason responds "U are so sweet <3 u 2". On June 28th they're texting about how Jason has my husband's hammer at work, my husband thanks him and texts "love you" Jason replies "u just love my cock in your mouth" my husband answers "I do". On June 27th they're texting and my husband says "f*ck you" Jason responds "No f*ck WITH me and I'll make our mouth sore" my husband's reply is "just don't give me mouth sores".

Am I crazy??

Not necessarily. I have a friend that is a detective, we are in the same class he is married with children and he says these types of things to me and I say them back, it is done in jest. I have noticed a lot of straight guys doing this. It tends to happen when men work in close quarters.

It is typically done as a form of showing comfort in ones on sexuality.

On the other hand this may be something else going on here. Just ask, you are his wife its allowed.

[pellaz]

... My husband replied "Love you" Jason texted back "Love u more" ...

I think you guys should have a long talk. take a few days to think what you are going to say and execute the plan. be careful what you say. I think you need to talk with your husband logically. If the boy friend he really is outside the picture.

gay is being able to carry on a relationship better with the same sex. generally its not specifically about the sex or the porn.

I left my wife in 2010. I let it be slow (over many years) but really I had little interest in her and women in general. I still appreciate her as a great person.

I think you guys need to get family counseling. Initially choose a counseling situation that is in expensive but pick some one modern and up to date. Things have changed a lot in the last 2 years. Pick someone out side the religious believe system.

good luck in everyting, post here a lot and vent your ideas.

[princealbertofb]

Badmama, Spellbound is new here, I don't really know why he questions your membership of this site, because I would have said you were in one of the right places. We might not have all the answers, since we are mostly gay here, apart from a few other members who help and post too. So our take on the subject may be tinged with our sexual orientation and experience.
However, your question needs to be addressed since you are at a loss as to how to bring up the subject.
Ok, one thing struck me, if your sign is true, then you are a Cancer, and Cancerians can make up whole stories inside their heads that are just their own fantasies... So I would warn you against that. Don't get carried away by your own fertile imagination. Don't necessarily go on a hunch like that, where you could spiral that fantasy into another planet and be nowhere near the truth. I think your husband may have a real dirty mind when dealing with a colleague/friend that he's comfortable with... and maybe this is all just banter. Men can be rather graphic like that sometimes, especially when they are comfortable with each other, and know one another well.

The other thing that springs to mind is that we are all basically bisexual and while some of us feel free enough to experiment with both sexes, many will also keep their fantasies just that: fantasies, and never act out on them and keep them in check. This is quite common for males too, to have gay fantasies, but not necessarily to want to act out on them.

But, obviously, this is bugging you. If your husband really had anything to hide from you, I'm sure he wouldn't have left all this incriminating evidence on his phone, or else he wanted you to find out. If it's carelessness, then he only has himself to blame.

Your first step, rather than finding out about his supposed sexual conduct, would be to address the idea of privacy in your couple. How do you view your privacy and trust issues? Is there a way you could disguise the problem by telling a story about a friend who found out something she shouldn't have found out on her partner's computer, or phone, or any other indiscretion? You could even go with a storyline that you actually know about, thus bringing back to memory something you've discussed previously, or that he knows the details of. It could also be something from a tv or radio programme, a film, ... a discussion you're having online on a forum?

For instance, does he know that you're writing on here? Would you tell him that you've joined this site to have a better grasp of what it means for men to be same-sex attracted? Ask yourself if this should be your private little garden, or if you'd be ready to share this information with him. This, to me, is a trust issue.

By lending you his phone, he showed that he didn't have issues, or didn't think he had issues. Either he didn't think stuff was incriminating on his phone, or he thought you would find out some day, or he didn't think you'd snoop. So it's one of these three situations that you need to address.

1/ He didn't think stuff was incriminating on his phone : is he a person who has a wicked sense of humour? If not, maybe it's not banter. If he has, then he may have been fooling with Jason and it never meant anything but rough banter, a way for men to measure themselves up to who can be the grossest... a bit like peeing contests.

2/ He thought you would find out some day. You have both had that discussion recently about different ways of living your sexuality. Maybe this is just proof of something he reckons you've already discussed. You sounded liberated enough not to worry about it.

3/ He trusted you not to peek into his private messages. He's too trusting, or too dumb to realise that there's stuff that needed covering up (unless he wanted you to see it, unless it didn't mean anything).

What do you know about this Jason? Is he married? Does he have a partner? Is he gay?

The thing that WOULD worry me, would be to know that my husband / partner is taking good care not to bring home a disease (that talk about mouth sores, or herpes). Does Jason, or your husband suffer from herpes?

Those are things that you can surely bring up without any blaming, just as discussion matter. It's the way you do it that will make him reveal or clam up. Only you know what sort of conversationist your husband is.
Take care.

[princealbertofb]

For me the "love you", "love you more" messages could be an exchange between two friends who really do care about each other, but not necessarily sexually. How long have those two been acquainted? And again, I think it could be banter...

[princealbertofb]

There is a remote possibility that these texts are 'joking around'.
...
IDK why homosexuality can be considered a joking matter, but a lot of straight guys appear to think its perfectly ok to make homoerotic suggestions to their buddies.

...

I was watching a documentary about bisexuality last night and one of the conclusions was that society was extremely hetero or homo normative, therefore imprisoning people in one or the other type of sexual orientation, forgetting that we're most of us somewhere along that Kinsey scale.... By never admitting that men and women are bisexual by nature, or at least bi-curious, there's very little space to experiment without being classified either as one or the other (homo or straight, nothing in between). Bisexuality (and implementing such an orientation sexually) seems much more difficult in societies that like to categorise people in one or the other sexual orientation... I won't even go into what it means to be transsexual, because that's even another kettle of fish.

[LateBloomer]

I'm pretty much with Counselor on this one.

And it looks pretty cut and dry to me.

Husband has ALREADY expressed a sexual interest in men (fantasy or not--he's interested).

Therefore he WON'T be embarrassed by any allegation of queerness. He's ALREADY admitted it.

And there are QUEER texts on his phone.

If it walk and talks like a queer, sorry, but it's probably queer. The only real sad part here is I'm afraid he's already gotten a taste and he wants more but realizes he needs to recruit his wife or destroy his marriage--thus the (seemingly) late admission of interest in men.

So what does wife do? I recommend just being point blank and totally honest. It will be hard for 5 mins until all the cards are on the table. But I would sit down and say, look, this is what I know. Don't bullshit me. Where do we go from here...

Best of luck.
And you're always welcome here.