Gay Husband - Straight Wife - Need Advice!

[mbennet35]

in YOUR whole life time if you think you will never abuse someone than throw the first stone.

Just go ahead.

I have never and will never abuse anyone.

[Woollyhats]

He abhors the gay life style?

I'm sorry, but I guess chronically cheating on your wife for a period of several decades is somehow a superior life option?

I'm not sorry --- That pissed me off.

He's a terrible person, he never loved you, and he never will. He uses people for sex, and he doesn't care, clearly, how his actions are hurting others. In particular, his emotional and physical abuse over you in regards to his own personal anger shows that he has a twisted and inaccurate notion of reality in terms of self. Do you feel like a person of value in this relationship?? Because clearly you do not! You admit that you're just an object, or a "hole" to him.

Let's ask a question I know, but you need to answer-----
Do you fit into some of these????
http://vocal.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2...Wheel1.jpg

Even if you think you do, just from what you said you don't fit into these.
http://74.50.10.25/~refuge/system/wp-con...ty_BIG.gif

Also, to answer your question, he isn't "Bi-Sexual", who cares if he is, that's not even the issue, his cheating has exposed you to all kinds of diseases, his behavior has created a situation where you aren't able to be expressive, you say you're cold and uncommunicative ----- How do you think your daughter has been influenced by this? How do you think you have been influenced by this?

Certainly not for the better?

Do you have emergency services for women -- women in crisis, counselling, etc.? I recommend that you seek some of them, because it's not normal for him to have done this to another human being, and it's also not normal that you put up with this. You deserve more.

At the end of the day --- this relationship is offering nothing positive to you, while offering quite a few negative pieces. He also says he's not going to lie again to you --- but wasn't that kind of implied the first time?

He needs reality, you to ask yourself why you didn't think you deserved better. Because at the end of the day, his sexuality is not the issue in this story.

[Rosie]

All I have to say is: thank the good lord that you are attractive because it will be easy for you to find a good man who is actually attracted to you when you divorce that husband of yours! You deserve so much more than a self-loathing, cheating, closeted, abusive husband.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

^^^ or a good woman.

Heartbroken, its been 15 hours since you last posted. Are you OK?

[sillyboy86]

Honestly I read few phrases and I thought: Why are you still with this man???

Then I read the rest. I think (certain...) he's gay not bisexual, but the most important thing is that he's still lying at you and he doesn't making you happy, for years.
These aren't even doubts, you know he's gay, but you're afraid, from too much time. Maybe you unconsciously think that you're protecting yourself and the relationship, but in my opinion you've to be fast, cause in the future everything will hurt more and more. For what?

Thank you for the post cause you made me think about something.

[princealbertofb]

I'm sorry to hear your predicament, Heartbroken, and feel like you really need a big hug.
. I'm sure all the other posters have covered most aspects that come to mind. I don't know if they've understood how dedicated you were to making your marriage work despite the abuse. It seems you've come to the end of your patience with that abuse and at last you are realising that you need to get yourself a new lease on life, preferably one in which you'll be valued and loved. 33 years is a long long time to take all that suffering.
I believe by coming to this site, that you've come to an understanding that things must now change. Your worst fears have been confronted and you're ready for a change.
What others may not have taken into account is the deep deep self loathing that this husband of yours has inflicted upon himself, if he can't admit to his own proclivities and desires for same sex encounters and his absence of libido for you or for other women. How he must hate himself. The problem is, to survive, he's got to pass that hatred onto someone else, or he would have killed himself already.
I guess we should be grateful that he's found, in this strength of resolve, a way of coping, which, albeit inadequate, has kept him alive.
The situation is unsustainable for you, though, and you need to work on restoring your faith in someone who can (and will) love you for who you are. You do deserve an end to all this doubting, this questioning, and this unacceptable abuse.
How does your daughter take all this? Is your husband close to her in any way?
My partner of ten years, who was once married, and has 6 children calls what he did (getting married) a big big mistake (not for the children whom he wanted desperately). I think your husband may not realise it yet, but it also sounds as if he too made that big big mistake. Please don't resent him for it, but do give yourself a right to happiness and a new life.
Take care.

[princealbertofb]

While I'd love to be able to answer your poll question, I think only your husband could truly give an adequate answer. I don't know what to call him, even if he does seem more gay than bisexual. We've only got your account, so it's going to be partial to what his real sexual experience is. The fact that the still has sex with you once or twice a year, while probably getting most of his sex elsewhere from men (?) still makes him bisexual. But, as someone said, what's in a label? Will it help you make a decision that has long needed to be taken?

[Heartbroken]

I would like to thank all of you for answering me. It is nice to have some validation and other opinions on such a delicate subject. I can't talk to anyone about this. I would never "out" him or betray him in any way.

I would like to clarify some things perhaps I wasn't clear on. My husband wasn't physically abusive - except those 2-3 times when I confronted him back in the day. I gave as good as I got! I am small - but feisty! But he was mentally and emotionally abusive and always neglectful of me and my sexual needs.

I apologize for statement he "abhors" the gay lifestyle - he has never openly bashed or made fun of the gay community. He doesn't see that there could be an emotional connection - love, marriage, children ... between people of the same sex. I think it is more that he could never admit these things in himself. He has always "hidden" - I am so sad for him. He comes from an extremely italian background, the oldest of his brothers. He simply cannot face admitting he is gay - that is why he says he is bisexual. It validates his life somehow - wife, child, home etc.

He also doesn't see that 2 people of the same sex can have an "emotional" connection. That love is between a man and woman. That is the part I don't understand in him. Anyone can love anyone - it doesn't matter - the heart wants what the heart wants - but the generational conditioning in him is too strong for him to see that aspect any other way.

I spoke with him last night and bought up the "intimacy" aspect of what is going on with him. He did not think that there was intimacy involved in it. I said that there was - which surprised him. The fact that he wants massages and body contact - is intimate. He said he never saw it like that. In his head, he was thinking that it was more "wham bam thank you man" - and I pointed out that it is more than that. He was calm and said he didn't realize that. I also explained that even though he is committed to me - we aren't and never were intimate - he didn't see that before.

My point to him is that - if it were true - and he could never have enjoyed a sexual relationship with me - because he was blocked - why then could he not comfort me in other ways. Why didn't he seek me out to give me massages or hold me or any of the other ways a person can be intimate. He said he never thought about it and thanked me for bringing it up.

My goal for him to to be open and honest with himself - which he never is. In his head - he is being completely honest with me - but he doesn't realize that to do that - he has to be honest with himself first.

I know in my soul of souls - he is a gay man - pretending to be bisexual. It matters to me in that he is not admitting it to himself - trying to say that now he is "free" to be with me. Even after our recent "attempts" at being together sexually, I know he is not "into" me at all. Yes - he gets an erection and can perform - but I am not now - or have I ever been - the person who "flips his switch".

He doesn't realize that a gay man can have straight sex - that is the reason for his denial.

[Heartbroken]

Oh to answer why I am still with him - I do love him. Hard to believe - but it is true.

Also, I think the reason I never really left is financial. We simply cannot afford to live apart. Believe me when I tell you - there is simply no way we could afford it. We are dead broke. Made a series of mistakes financially and now have no financial cushion.

[Jason111]

Dear woman, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.
This is why I resent gay guys who decide to "have normal life and kids" by getting married never actually thinking how horribly the could hurt other people. Sadly, some people never learn to be true to themselves so their denial ends up ruining other people's lives.

So, to answer your question - I think he's gay. Bisexual people have no problem sleeping with the opposite sex, it's just that most of gay guys try to persuade themselves to be bisexual because that seems more "normal" in their demented little minds. I remember when I was 16 I used to tell to myself that I am bisexual and I even dated women. That's a way of coping with it.

Also, not that I'm telling you how to live your life, but please divorce him. You still have a chance of having a normal life with someone who's not messed up. Don't wait for him to change, because he won't. Find a guy who will make you happy(both emotionally and sexually) and move on.

I wish you best of luck.