Gay Husband - Straight Wife - Need Advice!

[southbiochem]

I can see that you love him, giving how much you endured on his part and how far you have gone to satisfy his need, even while knowing he doesn't really correspond you...

My dear woman, it doesn't matter if it was 2-3 times...he layed a hand on you and that's something a man should never do to a woman...I have seen many men form older generations claiming to be manly and with better values than the younger, incur in this type of behavior, probably cause they saw it done to their moms too and thought that was OK....it is not...not by any standards..

(If I may, my grampa was the guy that had another family, hit all of children and his wife...yet my dad never grew uo to be abusive towards anyone, and has onlytreated my mom with love and respect...so, I gues it can be don that this trait is left to the side)

I assume his lack of acceptance has a lot to do with his generational traits too, as you said it

So, economically, you 2 are bound to be together, that sucks

First..it is admirable that you want whats best for him...in the end, if he comes to terms with who he his I bet he will stop lashing out at you..

Make him understand that you want him to be happy and you don't want to fight his notions on being gay/bi...however worng they maybe...cause,of course he'll probably feel attacked..

Secondly....aks him for a better treatment towards you...you deserve it

Thirdly, and I bet his is a bit too farfetched.....why not have an open marriage?

You don't have to explicitly call it that if it seems too much, but rather, you can both come to a tacit agreement in which you can see other men who can fulfill you need for care and be less lonely, while he can see other guys without the sense of him falling into the "gay" cathegory...

Hey, why not get a bi guy to join you in bed?..so you can both have some intimacy?

I do hope your situation improves..(and I'm relieved that you could adress a subject with him wthout him lashing out at you).

best of lucks mile:

[princealbertofb]

Dear woman, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.
This is why I resent gay guys who decide to "have normal life and kids" by getting married never actually thinking how horribly the could hurt other people. Sadly, some people never learn to be true to themselves so their denial ends up ruining other people's lives.

So, to answer your question - I think he's gay. Bisexual people have no problem sleeping with the opposite sex, it's just that most of gay guys try to persuade themselves to be bisexual because that seems more "normal" in their demented little minds. I remember when I was 16 I used to tell to myself that I am bisexual and I even dated women. That's a way of coping with it.

Also, not that I'm telling you how to live your life, but please divorce him. You still have a chance of having a normal life with someone who's not messed up. Don't wait for him to change, because he won't. Find a guy who will make you happy(both emotionally and sexually) and move on.

I wish you best of luck.

Jason, you can resent all you like, but it doesn't really solve the problem. Showing some understanding that some people do NOT realise they are gay until it's too late and have made that mistake, on the other hand might be helpful.

In this day and age, it might be unthinkable, in some sections of some societies, to make that kind of "mistake" but the straight brainwashing, the religious brainwashing and any kind of brainwashing are still rife. For people of older generations, there was never this hope that two men (or two women) could be together sexually and romantically, or even one day married or partnered officially. It was always furtive and hidden and not talked about. It was so taboo (sometimes still is) that people still remain in the closet, even when they've realised there was a possibility of their being gay, or bisexual.
People's individual circumstances can always explain why someone didn't realise, or lacked the courage to come out. If you've ever had to come out yourself, you'll know it's a (more or less) difficult thing to have to overcome, even today, even for the younger generations. Anyone who's had heavy peer or family pressure, or been bullied knows what this is all about.
Unfortunately, in all kinds of relationships, people make mistakes. This is no time to hate. It is time to forgive and move on, if possible.
Good luck, Heartbroken.

[Jason111]

Dear princealbertofb,

Such a positive look on it. Try telling that to all those women out there who spent a life living a complete lie, or those who found out and divorced. Their entire universe collapsed over someone's "mistake".

It can't be a mistake, dear. It's an utter selfishness and those people deserve to be hated. I live in Serbia, a country that has denied homosexuals every human right. This is a society that taught us to hate gays and gave its best to make us believe that gay lifestyle isn't possible - yet, there are people who overcame it and found a way to make it work. Not only my generation, but even those who are older than I am. If you came to Serbia you would see that our situation is pretty much the same is it was in the US or the rest of the Europe several DECADES ago.

So yeah, I get your point - forgive and support - but you have to think about the damage that's been done to all those innocent people because of someone's "mistake".

[Heartbroken]

Dear Southbiochem:

I am considering an "open marriage". I have discussed this with him. He is not thrilled, but he understands. He feels that he is seeking a man, which I am not - and I would be seeking a man as well - but he is a man. That is just his logic and he has to get over it.

As for us being with a "bisexual" man - together - we did that back in 1998 when all this was first confirmed and I found out he created a screen name and was in all the gay forums. At that time, he said that was what he wanted and his fantasy. However, that wasn't it at all. I asked him why that wasn't enough, and he said that it was because I was there. So that is another reason I believe he is gay and not bisexual. I never realized - at that time - that our personal sex life alone together never improved. I wish I had realized that.

He says in his Grindr ad - Masculine Married Bi Top - into JO, body contact, massages - and a top - if it comes to that. His "thing" is to dominate another masculine man. That is what turns him on. If we were to play with a bisexual man together, it will not fulfill his fantasy. We have already done that and it wasn't enough.

[Heartbroken]

Hi Broken Arrow -

I didn't realize I could post directly under each response to my post. Thank you for being concerned.

I only have about an hour a day from 4-30 - 6:00 am of complete private time on the computer during the week. On the weekends, I have a little more.

[Sylph]

K hi gurl.

Now I know you ain't the Virgin Mary or whatever, so I know you know your stuff and don't gotta be baby talked to.

First of all; I'm not sure if this is my personal upbringing, but Domestic Abuse, whether it be emotional or whatever is still abuse, so let's not let that go unchecked.

And gurl I'm glad to hear you didn't let him hit off you without popping a few in, even though I am against violence in general.

A Man can hit a woman, just ask my mama she's faught a guy or 2 before, just so long as she busts his ass back.

I don't believe in the whole men can't hit women, cause it 1) gives women an advantage and is not equal and I personally believe a Woman can royally fuck up a guy in a fight if she wanted to.

I don't condone it, but if he hits you, don't fall to the floor and weep, drum up ya dukes and flay his ass :>

Anyway, you did that, moving on.

So now you know what you gotta do, you seem to be on the path to righting the equilibrium in your life to hopefully make it balanced.

Your husband may be a nasty penis wielding philanderer, however you seem to still love or respect him and actually for that, I say kudos gurl, cause me...lol. Those boys he be wanting , they'd find him for something but it won't be topping ^•^

So basically I just want you to know you're very strong individual, you were hurt, betrayed and all that other BS, and still you come out stronger than he ever was.

Do what you gotta do hunni, make sure while trying to help him get his life, that you get yours too okay? Don't ignore your needs, ever again.

Let us know how goes it, mkay?
:hugs-and-kisses-smi

Be that strong fabulous gurl you know you are.

[tdoles]

I am a straight woman. After 22 years of marriage to a man I thought was straight also I've come to find out recently he likes to be with men too. I'm not mad just hurt that he lied to me all these years. I'm also extremely confused because over the years he's had several affairs with other women. We are actively sexual and I know he cares about me but now I'm so confused. He has always been so (pardon the term and I mean no disrespect) homophobic. I'm the one who is extremely open minded and have commented to him numerous times that he should not judge others. I have a few gay friends and he's made opinionated commemts about them. That's why I'm sooo confused. I don't know if I should be angry or sad for him. He also watches a lot of porn bot men and women. Can anyone help shed some light as to what is going on with him. My name is Teresa by the way.

[nfisher1226]

Teresa, go ahead and be sad for him if you want but don't let yourself get screwed over in the process.

It's not uncommon at all for a guy to lash out against gays if he's secretly desiring guys himself. It's weird and illogical but that tends to describe a lot of human behavior. That doesn't mean it's not shameful. He should be very ashamed of the comments he's made over the years, even without the revelation that he is bisexual (or whatever) and do us all a favor by making sure he knows it.

The fact that his affairs over the years have been with women is pretty irrelevant. The fact that he's had affairs at all, and you're still married, means a lot more than that. At this point you need to ask yourself exactly what you can or can't live with, and you need to be clear to each other about the nature of your relationship and where your boundaries lie. Frankly, if he's cheated before (and more than once) the chances are almost sure that he'll cheat again. Frankly, the chances that he's going to have sex with a guy (or guys) eventually are pretty damn high. The chances that he's going to do it without telling you first are also pretty high. That last part is the line you should make it clear he can't cross, in my opinion.

Maybe you can accept him being bisexual and having occasional affairs, or maybe you can't. Maybe you can accept it provided he's not lying to you and going behind your back, but I wouldn't recommend that as you're putting your health in his hands. I personally am rather against the "open marriage" concept in the first place, but you have the freedom to define your relationship however you want to.

What you don't need to be doing is trying to figure out why he hid it all these years. You never really will. You don't need to waste your time trying to understand it. You just need to figure out what sort of relationship you're going to have with this man going forward, if any.

[hank]

We do some strange things out of fear. Not that long ago I was in a self denial continuum. I hated women this really was the leverage that lead me to understand that I was gay. I Ssm rather blunt so prepare yourself now.

I grew up in a house hold where being a faggot was as bad as being a child molester. So my sexual urges freaked me out. When I got older into my ten years I messed around with a male friend of mine. Lots of boys do that I was told. Into my twenties I just started hating women. I don't know why. It ruptured at a point where I said something derogatory toward women and my mother heard it. She flipped her stack, understandably. I decided to probe my conscious instead of just hating women even more.

As stupid as this sounds I hated women for not being attractive to me. As if it was their fault I was the dreaded F-word. I felt so stupid so angry at myself over this.

I am by no means excusing his behavior or my own, just that a reason for it occurring may help you understand.

But your husband is gay. You can love him but I don't think he can love you. Now you strike me as a kind and selfless person based on the reading I have done here. But think of it this way is it fair to your daughter. She sees the way you two inter act I know you want her to find that wonderful meaningful love. Children are visual learners she may just think the way mom and dad are is just the way married couples are.

Be very careful.

[tdoles]

thank you 1226. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. I'm angry at myself for not picking up on it sooner and sad that he couldn't confide in me. I'm gathering enough evidence to give to him so there's no excuse out of it and to also keep me strong. I still love him and I care what happens to him but I'm filing for a divorce. Thank you for your input. The issue isn't that he's gay but the affairs. I agree, it's not going to stop. I so wanted to get a man's opinion. Call me naïve but I didn't think a man desired a female if he was gay. So is he bi-sexual or gay. Has he had these feelings from a young age or did he just have an epiphany and realized he liked men too. I welcome all responses.