Ok so I'm 24, been married for 2 years in February and have been together for 3.5 years. We are both bisexual and have known this about each other pretty much from the start.
When we first got together she was open to 3 ways, in fact the first time it was entirely her idea and she found the chick and everything. Things ended up going horrible, turned into a huge fight. We moved passed it what ever but then a year later we decided to try another 3 way but with another guy. Things went better that time, she said she'd be open to doing it again but I got this vibe she wasn't that into it. Well here we are 2 years later with no 3 ways, nothing besides me wacking off to gay porn almost daily to satisfy my urges.
It's been getting to me lately that I haven't gotten dick in a long time so I start sort of hinting around about the topic with my wife and basically now she has no desire for 3 ways. Which is understandable because she says she is jealous and it's obvious. What I don't get is that she says she has urges for other women yet has no desire for 3 ways.
I'm just filled with so many confusing feelings. I want to get these urges out and would love to do it with my wife but she's not down. Then I start thinking about going behind her back to satisfy my needs but guilt holds me back.
I have no idea what to do, I love my wife and never would want to hurt her but sometimes I regret getting married I just never thought this would be an issue.
If you managed to read all that, thank you. Any tips or advice would be helpful. Maybe someone has been in a similar situation?
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Well, Im NOT into open marriages at all. I dont believe in that stuff.
But here is my suggestion....
Talk to her about it. Nothing leads to more hostility and fights, than NOT talking to each other about your issues. Remember.....TALK about it. Dont scream, yell, make nasty comments or anything like that....just express your feelings to her.
I have heard that some open marriages do not get into 3 ways, but they do have "date nights".
And the definition of "date night" in this respect is that each of you have a chosen time, pre-approved by the other, where you each go out with someone else for the express purpose of being with the same sex.
You both get what you want, and dont have to stew in your own hostilities for not getting what you want. You are also up front and honest with each other, so there is NO sneaking around, and NO bad feelings towards each other.
These types of couples also make rules that they have to adhere to, in order for both parties to be happy and ok with whats going on. I mean, you both want to be ok with the "third party" who they will be with, and want them to be safe physically and medically, so there has to be boundaries and rules for such things, and both of you have to agree on the rules and live by them.
If something like this is ok with both of you, then discuss it, make your rules, and it would be a very good thing to find an extra curricular partner you could stick with, that way both of you dont have to go through the whole "getting to know you" thing.
Another suggestion is finding other couples who are "swingers". There are swinger parties where you can meet and talk too other couples. Ive heard there are even swinger clubs and organizations.....so you get to know who you will be with beforehand, so there is no worry about health and safety issues.
Well, thats all I have. Hope that at least gives you something to think about.
Just dont NOT talk to each other.....thats just bad for your relationship. If you want an open marriage, then you need to keep the communication open as well.
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MrMcFreely Wrote:Ok so I'm 24, been married for 2 years in February and have been together for 3.5 years. We are both bisexual and have known this about each other pretty much from the start.
When we first got together she was open to 3 ways, in fact the first time it was entirely her idea and she found the chick and everything. Things ended up going horrible, turned into a huge fight. We moved passed it what ever but then a year later we decided to try another 3 way but with another guy. Things went better that time, she said she'd be open to doing it again but I got this vibe she wasn't that into it. Well here we are 2 years later with no 3 ways, nothing besides me wacking off to gay porn almost daily to satisfy my urges.
It's been getting to me lately that I haven't gotten dick in a long time so I start sort of hinting around about the topic with my wife and basically now she has no desire for 3 ways. Which is understandable because she says she is jealous and it's obvious. What I don't get is that she says she has urges for other women yet has no desire for 3 ways.
I'm just filled with so many confusing feelings. I want to get these urges out and would love to do it with my wife but she's not down. Then I start thinking about going behind her back to satisfy my needs but guilt holds me back.
I have no idea what to do, I love my wife and never would want to hurt her but sometimes I regret getting married I just never thought this would be an issue.
If you managed to read all that, thank you. Any tips or advice would be helpful. Maybe someone has been in a similar situation?
First, I highlighted things that stuck out as problem areas.
The fact is, is that your wife doesn't want three ways. For whatever reason, they aren't appealing to her (most likely because she wants you to love her exclusively, but also perhaps because of health related risk and such too). Whatever the case is, they're not what she wants in the relationship.
My first tip is to openly discuss this with her. How important is this, would the marriage end if you aren't allowed to go outside of it for sex? Be open, but also don't give ultimatums like, 'I want you to let me have three ways or it's over.", because that wouldn't be fair to her.
Then if she still doesn't want sex from third parties, you need to 1) Respect her, that's part of being married, or 2) Realize your marriage isn't going to work.
As for your urges, they're no different than the urges of a regular person. We all see people we're attracted too -- I'm in a relationship, and I see people I'd love to have sex with frequently... The issue is, is that's not what my relationship is about. My boyfriend is bisexual like you, and I'm sure he has urges too, just like me, for the opposite gender --- it's his choice to act on them or not.
When you talk and consider this with your wife, consider this as well. Your urges do not define your marriage --- if your priority is staying together, and your wife absolutely does not want three ways --- the power to be monogamous is well within your reach.
So at the end of the day, my advice is to communicate like any couple would, and then make your decision. Personally, I obviously feel that you should work out a solution that will keep your marriage going, but I realize you have priorities that are entirely your own.
It's really up to you.
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Thanks for the input. Open marriage isn't in the cards though. I'm not even particularly thrilled with the idea either I just don't know how to make the urge go away. I feel like shit for being bisexual. If I was just straight I would only want to have sex with my wife and everything would be fine. Not to go on a pitty trip, this is just a shitty experience.
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Communication is the word of the day heh.
Talk about it, work out what you want and what she wants.
Open relationships can work if you are honest and trust each other and talk about it and set rules.
Open does not mean free for all and it does not mean behind each others back.
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MrMcFreely Wrote:Thanks for the input. Open marriage isn't in the cards though. I'm not even particularly thrilled with the idea either I just don't know how to make the urge go away. I feel like shit for being bisexual. If I was just straight I would only want to have sex with my wife and everything would be fine. Not to go on a pitty trip, this is just a shitty experience.
In that case, find a counselor that deals with your situations and talk to them about it.
Sometimes, if you find someone worthy to listen to you, that helps, and the issues arent so important anymore, because someone listened to you.
Make sure the counselor fits your personality and needs, dont just take the first one to come along. You might go to three or four counselors and then take what works for you from each.
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MrMcFreely Wrote:If I was just straight I would only want to have sex with my wife and everything would be fine.
there are plenty of straight people (and gay people) who are attracted to people they're not married to / in a relationship with. being faithful is about willpower and loyalty , rather than sexual orientation
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I don't think if you are just gay or straight you can really relate to the situation. I don't have urges to sleep with other women but being bisexual I naturally have urges to sleep with men because that aspect of my sexuality isn't being satisfied. Basically what I've gathered is there is just something wrong with me for wanting this and I'm a shitty person. Thanks!
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MrMcFreely Wrote:I feel like shit for being bisexual. If I was just straight I would only want to have sex with my wife and everything would be fine.
megumidesu Wrote:there are plenty of straight people (and gay people) who are attracted to people they're not married to / in a relationship with. being faithful is about willpower and loyalty , rather than sexual orientation
And take it from someone else who is bisexual, too. Being bisexual has nothing to do with wanting sex outside of a relationship. That's just a personal preference; not a sexuality. Also keep in mind that not all bisexual people even want threesomes. Both me and my girlfriend are bi and we want nothing to do with threesomes. It takes both parties, no matter their sexuality, to consent to anything sexual. Stop treating it like a disease, because it isn't at all. That only makes the rest of us look bad.
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I'd have to disagree with most people here.
You're bisexual. Your wife knows you are bisexual and married you regardless. She knew what she's getting into and the fact that she won't let you act on your natural urges and desires is very selfish of her... She promised three-ways and whatnot, and then had a change of heart after marriage. I would be upset with her, not your bisexuality.
You should really read Dan Savage's love column. He touches on a lot of issues like this, and I found a bisexual one that might be of interest to you. I can't paste url links since I don't have 50 posts yet...but google "Married bi man makes his move."
Good luck!
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Bisexuality and marriage
