Bisexuality and marriage

[southbiochem]

what lingers in my head is why are you both married...clearly neither of you is up for the task of commiting to each other...or at least, you thought you would be at first.

Which, quite frankly, given your age is actually nothing to be ashamed of..in my honest opinion you 2 got married way too young..now you're both wanting to experience other things.

Seems to me that she got a bit more involved than you in this marriage (not that you don't love her) from which it would stem this rejection to 3 ways and the open marriage choice..it's not

what you don't do is go behind her back...

you'll have to have a big pair on this subject and talk to her..be honest and say that you have these urges...do it, cause if you're already thinking about cheating you probably will and then the damage will be big...

talk to her and adress the issue before it gets out of hand...if it means getting to the extent of ending the marriage then you better have it happening now that you are both young..

you say we "one-siders" can't understand the bi-situation...I think there's nothing to understand here

remember that you are in a marriage, it's irrelevant if your desires are for other women or other men, you are supposed to control them and be faithful, and if you can't control your urges, given that 3 ways and open marriage are not options, then I guess you see what the obvious solution is..

[Geminize]

I'm just filled with so many confusing feelings. I want to get these urges out and would love to do it with my wife but she's not down. Then I start thinking about going behind her back to satisfy my needs but guilt holds me back.
I have no idea what to do, I love my wife and never would want to hurt her but sometimes I regret getting married I just never thought this would be an issue.

If you managed to read all that, thank you. Any tips or advice would be helpful. Maybe someone has been in a similar situation?

Urges are one thing, actions are another. DO NOT go behind your wife's back if you love her and want to stay married.

I was married to a woman for 20 years. She had experimented with same-sex relationships before we married. I had not, but was attracted to men as well. As curious as I was about my attractions to men, I committed to her and that was that. I occasionally saw men or other women I was attracted to, but I loved her and was not distracted from our relationship. Our sex was good, sometimes great.

Whether you are married to a man or a woman, they will most likely want you exclusively to themselves. Some people can make open relationships work, but I suspect that's rare in the long run. We tend to have so many insecurities about sexuality and trust. Get clear about what's important to you. Communicate with your wife. Make a change if you need to. Good luck!

[East]

I'd have to disagree with most people here.

You're bisexual. Your wife knows you are bisexual and married you regardless. She knew what she's getting into and the fact that she won't let you act on your natural urges and desires is very selfish of her... She promised three-ways and whatnot, and then had a change of heart after marriage. I would be upset with her, not your bisexuality.

You should really read Dan Savage's love column. He touches on a lot of issues like this, and I found a bisexual one that might be of interest to you. I can't paste url links since I don't have 50 posts yet...but google "Married bi man makes his move."

Good luck!

^^^THIS^^^ I agree with you. For the OP...you are an honest man and deserve respect and honesty in return as that is what you have given....

I want to give you some advice that maybe you can use so I would be honest again and tell her what you want/need and maybe you can help her though her own jealousy and insecurity...let her put it on the table and talk it out...

Good Luck!

[southbiochem]

^^^THIS^^^ I agree with you. For the OP...you are an honest man and deserve respect and honesty in return as that is what you have given....

I want to give you some advice that maybe you can use so I would be honest again and tell her what you want/need and maybe you can help her though her own jealousy and insecurity...let her put it on the table and talk it out...

honest men do not start thinking about cheating on the wife...

"jealousy and insecurity" :eek:

it's called being married, dude..

if she doesn't want an open relationship or 3 ways, faithfulness is expected without having to call it jealousy...jeez..

[East]

honest men do not start thinking about cheating on the wife...

"jealousy and insecurity" :eek:

it's called being married, dude..

if she doesn't want an open relationship or 3 ways, faithfulness is expected without having to call it jealousy...jeez..

She changed the terms of the marriage and became jealous and insecure...and ultimately it is up to both of them to define their own marriage...not anyone else.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Thanks for the input. Open marriage isn't in the cards though. I'm not even particularly thrilled with the idea either I just don't know how to make the urge go away. I feel like shit for being bisexual. If I was just straight I would only want to have sex with my wife and everything would be fine. Not to go on a pitty trip, this is just a shitty experience.

No. Instead you would have urges to be with other women.

Monogamy is a made-up sort of thing that is really against the whole of your biology.

Why do human male have to pump their penis in and out of a hole for so long before they ejaculate? Why does your dick have a head? Consider other primates, Gorillas have very small testicles per body side, bonobo have huge balls per body size - humans are closer to bonobo than gorrilla in the size of the balls...

Well using our primate relatives as example, Gorilla sex life is pretty much non competitive, bonobs on the other hand are very, very promiscuous. Your penis is shaped the way it is to make it more like a plunger, and all of that furious piston action to get off is to help suck out any competing semen that may be that hole you are pistoning.

I hate to break this to you and anyone else, but monogamy is not the natural state of affairs for humans. Nor is wearing clothing, or using fire or all of the other unnatural man-made aspects to life on earth as a human.

The idea of monogamy is to offset the pressures of promiscuity. Early man figured out that there was going to be a lot of killing if they didn't get their sex drive under some sort of control. thus the invention of morality to sooth the inner beast, marriage to insure that the male wasn't competing with other males in his own bed, the ownership of women to really make certain that that baby is the males....

You have several million years, perhaps billions of years, of hard wired survival of the DNA wired into you. If humans were a monogamous species they would not have survived. Period. Geneticists have used DNA to show us that Humans are not Naturally Monogamous.

So even if you were 100% all totally straight, you would be having this struggle, granted you wouldn't be looking at other men, but you would still have this drive to dip your wick in as many pots as possible. Your very DNA is screaming that you need to do that.

Its only about 20,000 years (less I fear) of social evolution that tells you that you need to marry and only have sex with one person for life.

Your issue is not that you are Bisexual, your issue is that you are a human being with a sex drive.

We don't do monogamy because it is easy, it isn't special because its easy, its special because it is hard and it is symbolic of a commitment which many make a vow to, but so few can actually do.

[MarySandy]

No. Instead you would have urges to be with other women.

Monogamy is a made-up sort of thing that is really against the whole of your biology.

Why do human male have to pump their penis in and out of a hole for so long before they ejaculate? Why does your dick have a head? Consider other primates, Gorillas have very small testicles per body side, bonobo have huge balls per body size - humans are closer to bonobo than gorrilla in the size of the balls...

Well using our primate relatives as example, Gorilla sex life is pretty much non competitive, bonobs on the other hand are very, very promiscuous. Your penis is shaped the way it is to make it more like a plunger, and all of that furious piston action to get off is to help suck out any competing semen that may be that hole you are pistoning.

I hate to break this to you and anyone else, but monogamy is not the natural state of affairs for humans. Nor is wearing clothing, or using fire or all of the other unnatural man-made aspects to life on earth as a human.

The idea of monogamy is to offset the pressures of promiscuity. Early man figured out that there was going to be a lot of killing if they didn't get their sex drive under some sort of control. thus the invention of morality to sooth the inner beast, marriage to insure that the male wasn't competing with other males in his own bed, the ownership of women to really make certain that that baby is the males....

You have several million years, perhaps billions of years, of hard wired survival of the DNA wired into you. If humans were a monogamous species they would not have survived. Period.

So even if you were 100% all totally straight, you would be having this struggle, granted you wouldn't be looking at other men, but you would still have this drive to dip your wick in as many pots as possible. Your very DNA is screaming that you need to do that.

Its only about 20,000 years (less I fear) of social evolution that tells you that you need to marry and only have sex with one person for life.

Your issue is not that you are Bisexual, your issue is that you are a human being with a sex drive.

We don't do monogamy because it is easy, it isn't special because its easy, its special because it is hard and it is symbolic of a commitment which many make a vow to, but so few can actually do.

You and my dad pretty much have the same philosophy... are you one of his long lost biological relative?

[philsguy95]

Talking directly and honestly is of course the first and most obvious suggestion. If it doesn't compute, then frankly you're at a major loss. If your desires are too much to surmount (which they shouldn't have to be) and your wife is unwilling to compromise, a split is inevitable. That being said, I would never encourage anyone to end their marriage without knowing the marriage or the couple. However, seeing as that she changed the course and is now seemingly unwilling to meet you halfway, I can't see this working long term, and don't really know how to advise you. This is an unfortunate situation. :/

[Jake]

You and my dad pretty much have the same philosophy... are you one of his long lost biological relative?

No child, not at all trust me... although Bowyn has some very good points some of those points in many of his posts are way to often going far beyond my philosophy (call it acceptance) or just sliding off the subject to explain some stuff that could be explain in two words or two lines. But I invite you to read his posts and feel free to be critical and or ask him questions if you have any. When you need answers to some questions you've got; the best is to always ask its initiator first.

No offense Bowyn!