Confused about husband's sexuality.

[luna12345]

He doesn't try to be a good husband...we only live together under the same roof. That's all there is.
i feel lonelier than most single people.

[Woollyhats]

Thank you so much for the replies. Yes I have had a very serious discussion with him and I assured him that I will still love him and can stay in the marriage if he wants. I told him I have no problem with homosexuality and promised him I won't tell anyone because I understand and that his child will still be very much in his life and he didn't answer me....He didn't say he's straight and didn't say he's gay. =(
I deserve to know the truth. I just want to be in a normal relationship. I absolutely feel no love from him. I think he loves me like a sister. He can't ever even look at me. It's like I'm invisible.
It is not just no sex...there's no affection at all...no greeting me when he gets home..no saying goodnight when he goes to bed. I'm a ghost.

Okay, for the purpose of my replies, I'm going to say things like 'if he's gay' a lot, because you really don't know right now (even if you can suspect, you've lived with him for multiple years, I'm going to go ahead and say you can probably make a guess more accurately than most people).

But gay or not, being a ghost isn't fair. You deserve a partner that is happy to see you, and talks to you, and everything else. Even if he is gay, he's close to you surely, he can talk to you and be close to you. What often happens in marriages that break down because one party is gay (a good scenario, not a bad one), is that the couple remain friends, and support each other as they separate.

Also, if he is gay, imagine how frightned he must be of himself. He's married to you, and if he's gay he isn't sexually attracted to you. That means he might love you (not sexually), but when it comes to sex, it would literally feel like having sex with a family member --- NOT A NICE FEELING (you said he loves you like a sister and if he's gay it's kind of like that exactly). So just imagine that even saying the words, Yes, I'm gay. might be a feat that's too difficult for him. In this case being able to say he's gay without saying the word 'gay' would help, as silly as it sounds ---- personally speaking I actually don't say I'm gay in person to people but that I have a boyfriend because it's easier.

Again, I can't tell you your husband's sexuality, no one can. Based on what you've said it definitely is possible, but I'm going by your observations and you MIGHT BE WRONG.

But you have relationship challenges regardless of his sexuality.

So whether you're wrong or not, working on them is the right choice for your family.


Edit: If you're completely unhappy, have no sex, aren't friends, feel lonely, and he is making no effort, and every time you try to change something it ends horribly, realize that it's 2014, you can get a divorce. But I would keep trying; divorces are difficult when they aren't collaborative, and I know that sounds ridiculous but it's just better for them to be agreed on and on good terms if possible both because of the legal and financial aspects, and because it's better for a child that way (I would know, my parents had a horribly messy divorce).

[princealbertofb]

I don't know what you people are talking about. I have married friends and most of them still have
Sex at least once a week and our baby is only one year old but our relationship has been sexless for 4 years!

Luna, I understand that you are feeling frustrated about your husband and your sexless situation, but how do you explain your baby being only one year old and you not having sex for the past 4 years? The math doesn't work out.... it must have happened in the last two years at least once, or you wouldn't have had the baby.
That's my reckoning.
Other than that, I would tend to disagree with the other posters. I have a friend who says ''if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, then it is a duck''. But appearances can be deceitful.
Your husband, from your description, seems to have double standards, and I think that is almost more frustrating than anything. You think he's lying to you and making you unhappy.
What are the chances of you filing for a divorce? You deserve to have a man who will take care of your sexual needs. Have you ever tried suggesting that he was homosexual to him, or have you never tried to challenge him?
How difficult is it to talk to your husband?

[princealbertofb]

I have another question for you. Are you a muslim too? If so, was your marriage an arranged marriage?

[luna12345]

I have another question for you. Are you a muslim too? If so, was your marriage an arranged marriage?

I am not muslim but do come from a Muslim family. We did get married at a mosque.
Most modern Muslims don't do arranged marriages and ours was not arranged. We have been living together for almost 6 years but only married for about three and a half.
Yes we had sex for the purpose of making a baby! We both wanted to be parents. I always have to initiate sex and get rejected most of the time. On the rare occasion that he does agree to have sex with me it's usually just to shut me up cuz I've been begging forever. I have tried to stop initiating and waiting for him but he never wants anything.

[princealbertofb]

Luna, thanks for your answer. I'm afraid you are in a very difficult situation and your predicament will only find a solution if you take things into your own hands. What are your feelings for this husband? Do you still love him as when you first married him? What are the things you do love about him? Are they worth keeping and fighting for?
Some people manage to keep their lives together through rechannelling energies and interests, but you obviously miss sex too much. Would it be conceivable for you to take a lover for sex? Would your husband consider this treason or worse? I think he should maybe consider that the way he is treating your need for intimacy and sex is probably akin to one of the sins, that of selfishness, if that's a sin in islam. While it may be a sin to be gay in islam, it surely is also wrong not to bring to your spouse the necessary comforts of intimacy, and ignoring her.
Is there anyone, outside of your immediate circle to whom you could talk about this? Your mother, his mother, an imam, a friend?

[loserguy]

The signs suggest he is gay, sorry :-(

[princealbertofb]

Let's go with the idea that your husband is indeed gay, but not willing or able to admit it because of his faith and upbringing. Knowing that you support him may be important to him, but he will only admit to being gay (even if he never acts out on it) when he's comfortable with the idea. This may take a very very long time.
There is also a possibility that he has low libido, even if his morning erections prove that there is nothing dysfunctional about him. Morning erections haven't got much to do with sexual desire.
It is also possible that he is punishing himself (and thereby, you) for his desires that he considers sinful, if he is gay. People often think that male sexuality is simple. It really isn't.

[philsguy95]

Sexless marriages are most certainly NOT "the norm." That's ridiculous. Plenty of married couples enjoy healthy, active sex lives within the relationship. Anyway, I agree with your suspicions and feel you're completely validated in having them, because if I were in your shoes I'd be raising eyebrows too. With this in mind, his sexuality is your husband's to know and yours to find out, but the latter will only happen when he's willing to acknowledge it fully. Unfortunately, unless you go to drastic measures, I'm afraid if he is gay, you're to be stuck in a joyless, sexless union. If he is straight or bisexual and truly devoted, then much counseling is necessary. Either way, you're in for a tough road, and I don't think many people here can advise you effectively on how to handle such a severe situation, unfortunately.

[luna12345]

Luna, thanks for your answer. I'm afraid you are in a very difficult situation and your predicament will only find a solution if you take things into your own hands. What are your feelings for this husband? Do you still love him as when you first married him? What are the things you do love about him? Are they worth keeping and fighting for?
Some people manage to keep their lives together through rechannelling energies and interests, but you obviously miss sex too much. Would it be conceivable for you to take a lover for sex? Would your husband consider this treason or worse? I think he should maybe consider that the way he is treating your need for intimacy and sex is probably akin to one of the sins, that of selfishness, if that's a sin in islam. While it may be a sin to be gay in islam, it surely is also wrong not to bring to your spouse the necessary comforts of intimacy, and ignoring her.
Is there anyone, outside of your immediate circle to whom you could talk about this? Your mother, his mother, an imam, a friend?

YES, I still love him but not in the way that I used to. I love him but don't feel in love anymore as he has caused me so much pain. It is truly not only about sex but he never compliments me or gives me credit for anything I do. It's like nothing I do ever pleases him and absolutely nothing is good enough for him.
I tried to leave , packed my things but he started to cry like I have never seen any man cry before. He was hysterical. I felt really bad leaving him like that and couldn't. He promised he'll go to couple's councelling if I stay but now he has changed his mind.
I think he just doesn't want to be lonely.
I have told him that what he's doing to me is inacceptable in Islam but I don't think he hears me. I honestly don't feel like I can speak to anyone in my family or his about this because I think they would think I'm crazy or paranoid and never believe me.