Don't know if I'm a top or a bottom

[Kenny221]

What I was trying to say was that he shouldn't really assign himself a specific role. LOL sorry, I wasn't very clear on that.

[southbiochem]

What I was trying to say was that he shouldn't really assign himself a specific role. LOL sorry, I wasn't very clear on that.

Yes, yes, that's true, we agree on that, but apparently he is limited in what he can do because of the BF

quite frankly, given there is no problem, I've always thought that trying to be versatile is better for relationships.

[Justinintendo]

Rape victim or not, that's no reason to give up on it...my mother was raped by her father and brother as a child and she still married my dad and created me. I was molested as a teenager and forced to bottom and I still consider myself versatile. He's afraid of reliving the experience, he's probably afraid to relive it because deep down, he really enjoyed the wrongness of it. My experience was different, I sought out multiple sexual encounters with the same molester after that first time, and it quit being molestation because I wanted it too. I cannot speak for his circumstances entirely because I don't know or understand his situation. But you cannot live life always being afraid.

Anyways, this isn't about him, this is about you. You won't ever be able to tell honestly until you've experienced the full spectrum of sexual activity. I would advise you to continue to explore your sexuality. If you don't want to create an issue with your boyfriend, there are a range of products available that can simulate the experience of topping (I'd recommend Tenga's Vulcan line. It's basically a Fleshlight for under $20) Just broaden your horizons.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I think one of the issues here is you may have a more 'social' understanding of the roles of top and bottom.

Most people think of bottom and think of nelly queen who is passive and submissive to her husband. The idea that a 'straight acting' guy can actually prefer to be on the bottom or for that matter that he can take charge in the bedroom and order his husband around never really crosses that many minds.

In BDSM there is the 'topping from the bottom' where basically one dominates the scene but is sexually the bottom (he who is penetrated).

My 5th BF was a dominant bottom - he initiated, and took charge in the bedroom (well in every aspect actually in a bitchy sort of way).

As long as you ain't bitchy about it, there should be no problem being an 'in charge' bottom.

As for rape and the BF this may actually present more of a problem of who is in control not so much who is penetrated. Rape is about power, rape is about taking the control from another and forcing upon the other that which they do not want. Penetrative sex is a symbol of power.

Wrongly symbolizing the power of the 'top' it is actually the bottom who has most of the control in that situation - at least when its not all being forced.

I suspect that if he was given a bit more control of that situation (such as you on your back and he 'rides' you) thus having the control/power that he may find it more pleasing than being on his back while you do all the 'work'.

Perhaps let him tie you down to the bed? You will thus be totally powerless to him and he will have the feeling of full control of the situation. Understand that there are safe-words and a lot of serious discussion about how, when, where and what our limits are.

I wonder if you are a more dominant sort of person in other aspects of this relationship as well. If so he may have an attraction to having someone else be 'in control' but is conflicted about his wants/needs in that area in the bed (and out of it too?) because he had the control taken from him?