He refuses being bottom, but he says he likes only top guys....

[Chris86]

[SIZE="4"]Hi,
I'm a 27 y.o. guy...... I have been in gay couple for a year..... I love my boyfriend and I am sure he loves me too. I prefere being top but I can be versatile if I love my guy. At the beginning of our relationship , I was convinced that he did not like at all to be passive in sex. This was what he said . And I decided to be bottom for the first time in my life. There have been very few times in which he agreed to be the bottom , and during these , I had to stop myself a lot and I have never been able to orgasm because he felt pain. I wasn't very happy for this, but I love him, and the only thing that was important for me was to stay together. So i accepted it.

Now, after a year , I accidentally discovered that he had profiles in some gay chat and communities just before we met , in which he affirmed to be versatile or bottom. I have also read some of the messages he had written to some users just before we met . Most of these were erotic messages , that he had written just to have exciting conversations , and to masturbate. During only two rare occasions, as a result of these conversations , there had been dating for sex , in which he was ...............bottom . The recipients were mostly 40 years old muscular top men. What is worse is that I have discovered that he wrote a few of this conversation just a couple of weeks ago....... he has not cheated on me, but he has masturbated while he chatted with some top men.

So, after a year of relationship, I discovered that my boyfriend has strong passive fantasies , but he has never shared them with me . My boyfriend's ex were all bottom guys........ I am his first top boyfriend and he wants me to be bottom in spite of what I have discovered. I now feel very sad and confused. I'm angry because I feel I have received lies in such an intimate area as sex, in which two persons should remove all inhibitions and masks, especially in a monogamous relationship. So I decided to talk to him about that. He got angry and told me the following sentence: " I am top , but I feel attracted only by top guys, but I finally fuck only bottom guys . the few times I tried to be bottom it was too painful" .
I never required him to be bottom in our sex, because i was sure he didn't like it. But more importantly, I now ask myself: "am I able to feed his bottom fantiasies? you must be a muscular 40 year old man to arouse them? Why does he continue to pretend to be top with me in real sex, if he likes to talk with active men in virtual chats? * I now feel hurt inside my manly pride. What should I do ? [/SIZE]

[loserguy]

He seems as though he is not too experienced as a bottom guy.

I must admit I would be upset if he came out with that after all this time.

Sounds to me like he has some serious explaining to do but in answer to your question of being able to fulfill his bottom fantasies? Maybe, but he has to open up to you first!

Good Luck Chris

[driftwood]

There's a lot going on here, and it's going to take a lot to straighten it out. You say you love him, and you are sure he loves you too. I hope both are true, because it's going to take a lot of love and commitment and dedication to fix this.

[SIZE="4"] I love him, and the only thing that was important for me was to stay together. So i accepted it.

I had to do a lot of reading between the lines, so bear with me if I misunderstood. Did you talk to him about your decision to submit to something you didn't like for the sake of the relationship. It's very important to have communication about this sort of thing.

You said "I accidentally discovered..." but after your accidental discovery, you continued looking. That's when it becomes spying. The point here is not whether spying was justified, of course it was, but it brings mistrust into the relationship. The mistrust needs to be addressed and dealt with before it becomes a problem. I found myself in the same situation several years ago, and I told my lover about it, including the part about when it became spying; things were discussed and explained, and we got over it. The point is, if I hadn't brought it up, it would have festered. I suspect that's happening with you now.

You also need to understand that there's a big difference between what people fantasize about and what they do in real life. I am into very mild BDSM, but what I fantasize about is not mild at all. About whether chatting while masturbating constitutes infidelity, the two of you will need to work that out. I don't have an opinion.

But one last thing. You and your boyfriend both need to gain a better understanding of anal sex. I found an old thread about this where someone mentions the "Ten Rules of Anal Sex" - among them: #2 Anal stimulation, including intercourse, is not painful if done properly; #3 Anal sex can be enjoyed even if it has been consistently uncomfortable in the past; and #9 Anal intercourse is not necessarily an act of dominance and submission.
I can't post a link to the thread (?!) but it's thread #27034, and if you do a search on "first-ish" it should get you to it. The book quoted is "Anal Pleasure and Health" by Jack Morin.

Hope you can find something helpful in here.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He got angry and told me the following sentence: " I am top , but I feel attracted only by top guys, but I finally fuck only bottom guys . the few times I tried to be bottom it was too painful"

The recipients were mostly 40 years old muscular top men.

So, after a year of relationship, I discovered that my boyfriend has strong passive fantasies, but he has never shared them with me.

I see a trend here.

I doubt he is a bottom. I doubt he is actually versatile, he has tried it, has determined he doesn't like that position in bed.

But is he a passive (aka Submissive) personality type? If so it could be the huge social pressures and stereotypes that he is struggling with.

I suspect he is attracted to masculine (dominant) sort of men not because of he wants a dick up the arse, but because he is a passive (submissive) sort of fellow who needs a strong (dominant) bottom to be fully satisfied.

I think the confusion here is the use of passive for bottom. Passive and Bottom are two different things in reality. Bottom means the receptive role in anal sex.

Passive is a bit more complex, some synonyms: submissive, acquiescent, unresisting, unassertive, compliant, pliant, obedient, docile, tractable, malleable, pliable

He may be a 'beta male' personality, in need of a stronger (not physically perhaps, but more assertive) Alpha male. Nothing screams alpha male than an older, muscle bond total top.

Age also screams 'dominant'. Daddy/Son relationships often have the older person being a mentor, a leader, a 'father-figure' all of which is the role of the Alpha Male in the relationship.

I would think that this 'bottom' issue is not so much that he wants to be receptive in anal sex, he wants the other stuff that we envision that the bottom gets, such as being the little spoon whilst spooning, being the protected one, etc. He is most likely conflicted by his emotional needs and sexual realities.

What he most likely needs is a dominant butch bottom. They exist, but are sorta hard to find because they don't swish, lisp and hang with the usual crowd because they are all but shunned by the community for not falling into goosestep with the roles we force on our members.

[Chris86]

You said "I accidentally discovered..." but after your accidental discovery, you continued looking. That's when it becomes spying. The point here is not whether spying was justified, of course it was, but it brings mistrust into the relationship. The mistrust needs to be addressed and dealt with before it becomes a problem. I found myself in the same situation several years ago, and I told my lover about it, including the part about when it became spying; things were discussed and explained, and we got over it. The point is, if I hadn't brought it up, it would have festered. I suspect that's happening with you now.
.

[SIZE="5"]You have definitely right. I am no longer able to trust the most, and then I spy. and this makes me feel bad. I do not like spy on the person I love, but now it's as if this was the 'only way to know it.[/SIZE]

[Chris86]

You also need to understand that there's a big difference between what people fantasize about and what they do in real life. I am into very mild BDSM, but what I fantasize about is not mild at all. About whether chatting while masturbating constitutes infidelity, the two of you will need to work that out. I don't have an opinion.

But one last thing. You and your boyfriend both need to gain a better understanding of anal sex. I found an old thread about this where someone mentions the "Ten Rules of Anal Sex" - among them: #2 Anal stimulation, including intercourse, is not painful if done properly; #3 Anal sex can be enjoyed even if it has been consistently uncomfortable in the past; and #9 Anal intercourse is not necessarily an act of dominance and submission.
I can't post a link to the thread (?!) but it's thread #27034, and if you do a search on "first-ish" it should get you to it. The book quoted is "Anal Pleasure and Health" by Jack Morin.

Hope you can find something helpful in here.

[SIZE="5"][COLOR="RoyalBlue"]I think that in a couple it is the best when everyone express every fantasy he has! this is what I do with him.... I shared them with him and I tried to involve him in them..... and he liked it...... we tried pissing... or having sex in strange places.... there is nothing that I would not do with him.... nothing I would refuse him.... and I think this is because I love him . And the thing that really disappointed me was that he has some kind of bottom fantasies with other people..... and not with me I feel not included in what he likes..... and I feel I am not able to satisfy him
I'm gonna find that book!!!! I promise.... I hope it will help us to understand things that now are a problem[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Chris86]

But is he a passive (aka Submissive) personality type? If so it could be the huge social pressures and stereotypes that he is struggling with.
I suspect he is attracted to masculine (dominant) sort of men not because of he wants a dick up the arse, but because he is a passive (submissive) sort of fellow who needs a strong (dominant) bottom to be fully satisfied.
I think the confusion here is the use of passive for bottom. Passive and Bottom are two different things in reality. Bottom means the receptive role in anal sex.

I have never thought about this..... maybe this is because when he plays the top role... he likes to be dominant and active..... he has never showed the need for a dominant male when he plays top

He may be a 'beta male' personality, in need of a stronger (not physically perhaps, but more assertive) Alpha male. Nothing screams alpha male than an older, muscle bond total top.

Age also screams 'dominant'. Daddy/Son relationships often have the older person being a mentor, a leader, a 'father-figure' all of which is the role of the Alpha Male in the relationship.

I would think that this 'bottom' issue is not so much that he wants to be receptive in anal sex, he wants the other stuff that we envision that the bottom gets, such as being the little spoon whilst spooning, being the protected one, etc. He is most likely conflicted by his emotional needs and sexual realities.

What he most likely needs is a dominant butch bottom. They exist, but are sorta hard to find because they don't swish, lisp and hang with the usual crowd because they are all but shunned by the community for not falling into goosestep with the roles we force on our members.

so what I have to do? I am not 40 years xxl old muscle bond total top..... I am afraid I am not able to excite him.... not like I should..... not like he would.... he assures me that he likes our sex...... but in this way I never play top (and this is what I like) and with me he never plays out what he likes to "do" when he chat behind the monitor. I should give up and let him look for someoneelse? or should I be more dominant in my bottom role?

[driftwood]

Whatever you do, don't try to change yourself. You do need to try to engage him in some honest communication - very patiently since he apparently has some serious issues there. But you need to eventually get him to understand that complete trust and open communication are vital in a loving relationship. If you can't get to there, there's probably no hope for the relationship.

[Letmar]

hi Chris86 you need to talk it over immediately, you cannot keep moulding yourself around this guy, the moulding has to be mutual... a relationship takes compromising from both parts...

Although I don't deemed what he is doing as cheating, it is not my life we are talking about in here... so clearly this hurts your manhood and pride. The notion that he desires you as much as he loves you is completely shattered...

In my opinion your boyfriend has big issues when it comes to exploring, accepting, embracing and expressing his true sexual desires, which later affects the coupe dynamics... Besides, if you can't help him in this department, who will?

I see the dilemma you will be in if he doesn't want to talk about it... if he shuts himself to it, I think I might even walk away... I don't know... I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.

[TimeSage]

Ever heard the phrase "Topping from the bottom?"

This is the kind of relationship he needs. Him being a passive top that follows the bottom's commands. If that's not you then break it off.