He refuses being bottom, but he says he likes only top guys....

[Chris]

Among many gay people there is a concept that so called top should be more masculine and dominate over sensitive bottom. It's a very old concept. It originates even in Roman Empire where bottoms were usually young guys, slaves and basically people of a lower category. Surprisingly, Romans had different view on gender then modern societies. For them a man active in sex, no matter if gay or straight was regarded as one gender, while woman and a submissive man, another one. Maybe such a way of thinking is written in our genes. Maybe he thinks you're not masculine enough or as masculine as him or you're younger. That would explain why he describes himself as bottom in conversations with older men.

[southbiochem]

I can definitely agree with the above posters, that he fantasizes with a submissive sexual role, without him actually wanting to be a bottom.

Now there's 2 problems to solve here:

1.- Even while justified, the "accidental discovery" and the further investigation will not be taken well. That needs to be adressed. Cause it puts a dent in the trust.

2.- More than what he writes in this sites, why is he having such conversations with these people while being with you? Granted, it's not exactly cheating, but it certainly is not good.

Bth these subject need to be adressed. Markedly: he needs to be honest about what exactly is he looking for sexually speaking? And what can you do to fulfill hid needs?

At the same time you need to adress your needs, and also (I assume) stopping what he's doing online.

If you can reach a compromise you can keep this relationship

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have never thought about this..... maybe this is because when he plays the top role... he likes to be dominant and active..... he has never showed the need for a dominant male when he plays top



so what I have to do? I am not 40 years xxl old muscle bond total top..... I am afraid I am not able to excite him.... not like I should..... not like he would.... he assures me that he likes our sex...... but in this way I never play top (and this is what I like) and with me he never plays out what he likes to "do" when he chat behind the monitor. I should give up and let him look for someoneelse? or should I be more dominant in my bottom role?

Sorry, I never saw this thread again until now....

I cannot tell you what you should do, I was only trying to offer some sort or perspective that may make sense. Human sexuality is complex, its not all about lust and pleasure, there is a diverse, and complex mix of other attending emotions that can and often are felt when having sex.

There is in the BDSM the concept of 'topping from the bottom'... In this the bottom becomes the dominant role (Master/Dom/Leader) and he orders the top to top him, or ties the top down and has a bottom's field day with giving oral, teasing, riding him like a rodeo Bull taking the control from the top..... (give me a moment I'm having some fond memories here)

In 'vanilla' relationships the bottom who takes charge, initiates, and 'requests' the top either verbally or though body language to do this, that, or the other.... This is called an 'aggressive bottom'.

I bet if you got a whip and some rope and took charge in bed your man may actually respond well... If not literally than in other ways.

Sex is not just about who penetrates who... its far more complex its a mind set.

If you partner does not like something shoved up his bum but likes the other guy to have control he may feel compelled to go with the whole 'thing up the bum' because he may be under the impression that that is the only way a guy can control the situation, to lead and dominate the scene.

Gay porn has done a number on gay sex and how it is viewed by gay men.

The formula for gay porn is typically 'oral for a while, followed by anal, followed by people ending up being glazed donuts. More often than not the top has a huge dick, or is bulging with muscles, or some other form of being more 'the man'.

Reality is that 60% of gay men prefer oral and would rather not do the anal thing at all. And many of those who do perform in a more anal manner do so because they admit they believe that is what they must do.

As for not talking to you about sex and what he likes, then tell him to write you a letter, word processor letter, not email - and you want for him to write down one of his fantasies.

Now understand that no one works for free... So the thing is you write up one of your own fantasies. Print it up making certain that the top page has a few paragraphs on it with a decent sized tile, and that it says something hot.... Wave that before him and tell him, "You show me yours, I show you mine...."

Be firm about this - not rough or hurtful, just tell him point blank you are tired of guessing and want the two of you to know each others wants/needs and have decided to take charge of this matter and initiate real conversation without making it terribly embarrassing.