Is my husband gay?

[Andreea]

Hi,

I would need some insight, I have this feeling since a few years that my husband is gay.
The way he looks at me, the way he touches me, like I mean nothing to him, nothing sexually, otherwise we are great, have fun, enjoy each others company, he never wants to have sex, so we are doing it a few time/year, mainly during holidays, when he can perform, lately happens that he lose interest quickly.
He kisses me like I were just a friend, never even mention the sex issue. For me "bagging" him to have sex with me is just humiliating...
So since years we are living next to each other like two best friend, married with one kid.
I also had some sexual problems a few year ago due to my childhood issues, so I didn t enjoy sex, but I went on therapy, so I am fine, I would like to have sex again.
But he is not interested and I am suffering.
I had an affair once, told him, had no major impact on him.
He enjoys his male friends company. Always dressing up when meeting with guys. He has an important job, so my guess is that he would never be able to addmit that he is gay, he just needed a family as an alibi. He condamn gay people, he has no gay friends, as far as i know, but he is travelling a lot, like weekly, so what do I know
He is hiring people for his new office now, and he said he should hire women also, otherwise people would say that he is gay. So I guess he is afraid of what people might think about him. Maybe he is not comfortable just working with men.
I know I have these feelings for a reason, and when I am asking about this I already know the answer, I still would need some advice, insight... what do you think about this?
I am planning to talk to him about my concerns... I am not angry, I just want the true...
Thanks for any help.

[sillyboy86]

I think you need to talk with him, being very calm and supportive even if is difficult, cause probably he doesn't accept his own sexuality. Maye he's bi but undecided about sex and also scared for your previous problems.
Thank you for sharing your story and your doubts and sorry for my short reply, but I think there's a huge possibility that he needs a professional support, and maybe a support for you two too.

[Andreea]

Thanks! I am sure he is not accepting his own sexual idenity, problems, the guy denies even his subconscious! He states he doesn t have such thing. Sure I will talk to him, as calm as I can, still I feel so damn stupid... betrayed...

[loserguy]

Based on what you say in your post you could not conclude that he is gay.
A more plausible idea might be that he is no longer in love with you. Is it possible that he may have met another woman? Your post lacks solid details and I would need more information to give you anything concrete.

However you have your own instincts and should act on them.

[Andreea]

Details, like???
My instinct is based on the fact that he is just not interested in sex, in sex with me. He never complains that we don t have sex, never says he wants to have sex, for him sex does not exist.
A straight guy might not be in love with me, still would like to have sex with me once in a while if not because of me, than just for the sex (I am not that ugly! ) if he would have an affair with another woman again he would pretend at least.
This goes on like this since years. So I don t think that he is just having an affair and suddenly don t feel like having sex with me.
He has something with sex. With female stuffs, like he considered me wierd when I was pregnant, or he never touched me when I was having my period, all those stuffs related to a female body he finds "disgusting".
For the first time I had this feeling about this I was thinking that he was in love with a guy, because he changed completely around him, spent a lot of time with him, changed dressing style, lost weight, called each other "baby" he was also married, they are still best friends, just not living in the same country.
I never had the feeling that he is cheating on me with a woman. He has lots of women friends, never had a problem with them.
I found once some condoms in one of his pockets, he was hiding them from me, I confronted him about, he said "it is not what you think it is", he came up with a stupid story I never believed.
All my male friends told me he is gay, otherwise he would like to have sex with me, at least occasionally.

[southbiochem]

I can't say for sure what goes on here.

Him not having sex with you does not automatically make him gay. Could be that he's lost interest in you or he another woman. Maybe because you have a child together it's stopping him from telling you this.

What does arouse concern for me is that he did not get affected by your infidelity. Are you positively sure that it did not have any effect in him?

Also, in your last post, which was more informative you mentioned how he changed around a guy. That is more telling.

So, let's say he is gay. He probably won't admit it directly.

But, you shouldn't give up on bringing the subject up, but from another angle.

Try and sit him down and discuss why is it that he's not showing any sexual interest in you. That is not normal and it affects you, so starting from that could make him possibly open up.

Call him on his bluffs when you notice he's giving lousy excuses for that.

Good luck with this.

[Chimpy]

This is nothing I have experience of, but if he is gay then it sounds like he has buried it deep. I think only he would know, and he might have mentally blocked it.

I think the more likely explanation is that he is falling out of love with you, sadly.

[Andreea]

Yes, he cares great deal about "normality" he would never admit to me that he is gay, for him that would be just something "impossible". He never cared about my infidelity he cared about staying normal, acting normal. Like he wants to keep me and our family together so we could look normal. The guy (crazy one, long story, sad end) I was cheating on with him called him at his work place, he didn t act much on it...

[loserguy]

You never mentioned his friend, losing weight and changing his dress sense and the condoms in your original post. So now, yes I think he is gay but more to the point, he loves his child but doesn't love you any more. Maybe he only stays with you because of the child?

I empathize with you because a loveless relationship regardless of his sexuality is not a relationship at all!

Try talking and if that doesn't work, leave. Everybody needs the right kind of love in their lives so why deny yourself if he isn't willing to perform>

[dfiant]

The regularity of wives joining GS just to ask if we think your husband is gay in the last 12 months is increasing and the subject is rather bland and boring...not to mention impossible for us to answer for you.

The only way you are going to find out...ASK HIM