Somewhat a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation

[recluzeus]

Thanks for the input guys, and sorry for not getting back sooner. Had some problems with my ISP and had to prepare some stuff for the water rationing (not sure this is the correct term), which had just began two days ago.

I wanted to use the spoiler tag to minimize the vertical scrolling, but it doesn't look good. I like to do that in the other forums to avoid double posting. Anyways, hope this won't be a nuisance to read.

/snip

Yes, he is indeed a very good friend. We're not exactly like those kind of best buddies you would see in the movies (somewhat inseparable, constantly playing pranks/jokes/talking shit, etc.). He played sports, while I don't. He's the good no smoking/drinking guy, while I'm the opposite. But at the end of the day ('tis a figure of speech - I don't see him every single day), we turned to each other - ranging something trivial like venting out, doing favours or sharing cute stories about his wife/kid; to more serious stuff like secrets that neither of us would be willing to tell anyone else.

To be honest, I'm not sure why he still cares for me. We both have a various circle of friends. Well, nowadays he has more friends than me though I used to be the most resourceful one.

And thanks for the compliments.

/snip

Glad that someone got the reference. Actually, I was a bit worried about the word b**ch used in the title. Hah!

/snip

Yeah, I believe the first problem is that I still couldn't admit to myself that I want him. I like to think that I'm content as far as our friendship goes. Perhaps I've went too far, that I'm actually somehow convinced myself that I'm totally 100% okay with he not ever going to be with me and that he will never feel the same about me. And yes, I told him that on that night. But I guess you're right... I'm never going to be satisfied unless he's mine.

/snip

I'm sorry, due to my own ignorance I couldn't really grasp the idea of the love hungover that you're referring to.

Perhaps I should add few more information. Around 6 years ago, we've got really close, which eventually made me fall for him. This was before he got married (he was still dating the girl who is now his wife).


For the rest of you guys, and as a conclusion to this post, allow me to say this:

It's really not my intention to have him. And I'm not trying to play games here. Though now I think I may have subconsciously wanted to. Yeah, I think it's better not to push him further with this. There's no use to put him in an uncomfortable conversation (again) just to satisfy my curiosity.

As for what should I do. Indeed I need to move on. And I hope I'm able to do that.

Thanks again.

[recluzeus]

Don't think this requires a new thread, so I'll put it here.

After I wrote and previewing this post, I realized it's quite a useless post. More like a short novel. LOL. I thought of not posting it, but it's been a while since I wrote anything this long and in a very fluid way (not sure how to describe it). Kinda hate not to show it off. Hah!

So, I'm going to put a spoiler and summarize everything in just a few sentences.

1. He saw me earlier today
2. He expressed his concern for my behaviour these past few weeks
3. Going to see him again this Friday and he's sort of expecting me to talk to him
4. Thinking he might have something to say too since we barely talk about it
5. ???

Spoiler:

He came to see me earlier today. We went to a place to have a dinner. When we were ordering, I told him I'm not eating. He asked me why, I told him I'm trying to save money. Well, to be exact I don't have any right now. Though I know he wouldn't mind buying me a meal, I didn't want to trouble him. We chatted as usual, catching up stuff and whatnot. It's been a while since we saw each other.

He asked me if I could come by to his office on Friday to help him with moving some stuff. The thing is I couldn't go there by myself since I don't have any transport and I don't have enough money to to pay for the bus & train. I hesitated at first knowing that this will lead to him 'lending' me some money. I tried to give some lame excuses, but in the end I couldn't turn him down. I told him in a joking manner, "I need an advance for the travel expenses". Though he laughed, he knew I was being serious. He gave me a hundred. He 'lend' me money all the time. And by 'lend', I mean he knew that I couldn't pay him back. So, this is nothing new. Well, except usually I'll tell him right away that I don't have any money. And yes, he noticed this.

Then, he went on a bit about this by asking me a whole lot of questions - why I didn't say anything earlier, if I want to eat, what's troubling me etc. I replied saying nothing's wrong and tried to change the subject. That went well for a moment, and we talked about other stuff. But I guess I wasn't good at deceiving him at that time. Then, he just realized that I didn't text him as much as I used to for these past few weeks. He asked me why. Perhaps because I still wanted to tell him all those stuff, I couldn't make any excuses. I just told him I don't know. He didn't push it further. However, after sending me back, he said, "let's talk on Friday". I was a bit surprised when he said that because I'm pretty sure I didn't imply that I have something to tell him.

I'm quite certain I wouldn't tell him everything (perhaps even nothing) and I think he wouldn't push me either. It's just that I think he knew this is something about me coming out to him. And I couldn't help to think that he might have something to say too because we haven't really bring back the subject again.
Thanks for reading!