Married and been with my partner for 12 years

[Bubbles]

Hi there. I am a 35 year old married man who is pretty sure he is gay and would like some guidance on things. I have always been the doting husband (no kids) but always pushed my sexual attraction of men to the back of my mind. Not sure where to start figuring it all out and not living a lie, but feel chatting will help me. My equally first priorities is being being true to myself but also minimising hurt to my wife. The rest of the family etc can get over it, but I do want to minimise turning my wife's life upside down.

My first big step is talking on here, as I have lacked courage to do this and many other things, that I feel our outside my comfort zone. I am trying to over come these obstacles.

Thanks any advice in advance.
G

[CarGuy65]

Hey Bubbles, I have done it and it is not easy on anyone involved. There is no easy way to do what you need to do. Luckily(?) for me my wife was having a non physical affair with a good friend of ours and we had decided to call it quits. I came out after that. She was still hurt but got over it rather quickly. If this is something you feel you need to do,just sit down and have a serious discussion with her. Go at it slow and easy. I wish you luck with this. Take care.

[Wolfpack]

Hi Bubbles and welcome to gs

Coming to terms with ones sexuality is not easy for any of us, so you are not alone in that.
On this forum you will find people who have been in the exact same situation as yourself, so hopefully you will get the advice you need. Look forward to chatting with you more on here.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

While I know of several women who have taken the news calmly and appeared to not jump to the 'I turned him gay' mindset - later they confess that yes, in their deepest inner thoughts that is the thing most likely they think about.

I don't know what is best. To let oneself to believe they turned their husband gay, or to accept that the marriage, the affair, the love was all pretty much a sham to begin with and it wasn't real from the very start.

I put that all there to show you what she will be facing when she comes face to face with the knowledge you're actually gay.

So this 'minimizing hurt' thing, while a great idea really isn't very possible. Sure there is a nice way to tell her you are gay, then there is the her walking in to find you with another man in her bed way.... both convey the message that you are gay...

On top of that there is ending what 'we' have. Breakups no matter why or how they are done are not happy affairs - people get hurt, and it can hurt profoundly if she is actually still in love with you.

Being 'pretty sure' and being certain are not the same thing, and actually if all this is is just a desire to try anal sex or suck a cock, it may not be indicative of homosexuality - it may be indicative that you are bored with standard (for you) sex and are just looking for a bit of interesting experiences.

Thus you need to ask yourself what gay means in your mind. Can you see yourself in a marriage with a man? This goes beyond sex here, this is emotional intimacy, connection and having a man as your spouse.

Can you see that? If so then perhaps you are gay, or at least bi.

If all this is is a desire to try anal, or suck dick and is only a bit of lust, its not worth throwing your marriage away to go out and explore sex with men.

My suggestion is to get a therapist - a neutral party who can help you explore your seemingly sudden attraction to males. Explore weather this is just about sex or if there is the deeper emotional aspects of being with a man as a lover.

A therapist will not only help you figure yourself out, but if the time comes will most likely refer you to the right marriage therapist to help you two find an end game to your marriage where you can come out in a relatively safe environment and where the wife can have some sort of emotional safety net.

There is, no doubt, things you will not want to share on such a public forum as this one, and getting to know self is actually something that often requires a trained professional to assist one with. And it is well worth the money and time - if you use the service fully.

[Cuddly]

Good on you, finding the courage to come here and talk. Congratulations are in order.

There's no way around it and no way to completely avoid hurting your wife and turning her life upside down. Delaying and pretending only serves to hurt you, which in turn hurts your wife. I urge you to find the courage and the right words and then telling her about your feelings. There's no way to know how she will react, so you will not be able to plan that far ahead. Hopefully she will be accepting, but you must remember that the opposite is also a possibility.

[Softmachine]

Hi, welcome to the forum. I can empathise with your circumstances and this kind of mental and emotional tumult - as I'm sure can many others here. I haven't been here long but I've found there are guys with lots of different backgrounds and life experiences who can offer advice and perspective, even when it's hard to swallow, and often it's this advice that's the most perceptive.

All the best.

[AlohaShannon]

Thank you for confiding in us Bubbles. This is definitely a safe place for you to get other people's opinions on your situation. So, here's mine:

My wife is the one who accepted that I was gay before I even before I did. She firmly believed that I was gay and not just bisexual. She felt bad for me that I grew up repressing who I really am. She encouraged me to explore this new life and find myself. Sounds pretty awesome and understanding right? In all actuality, it was quite the opposite. I did what she suggested and I met with someone. It devastated her. Regardless of how supportive she was, she was still my wife and we still had 14 years together. She felt cast aside, unwanted, had no self-worth, and was in A LOT of pain...and she still is.

The point is, if my wife was seemingly so supportive, knew me before I knew myself, and was still completely crushed, imagine how your wife will react. You can't minimize the hurt. You can't make this better for her. When it's all said and done, you are choosing you. You cannot expect her to be ok with that on any level. She is going to feel betrayed (even more so if you experiment before coming out to her), she is going to feel cast aside, she is going to feel like a failure, she is going to look back at your marriage and try to see where she went wrong or any clues about your sexuality, and she is going to be angry that you brought her into this marriage. Even I you tell her that you never realized you were gay until recently, I won't matter. To her, she will always believe that deep down you knew what you were but since you couldn't admit it to yourself, you used her to keep from having to be honest with yourself.

I'm not saying that you need to stay with your wife and repress who you really are into to spare her feelings. I'm just saying that when you come out to her, you are going to up her through hell and you need to own up to it. You need to let her scream at you, let her cry, let her hate you for now. After all, you chose to deny who you are and probably never told her about your attraction to men before you married. Like me, you probably kept things secret from her and she never had the chance to choose you for who you really are or for the person you pretended to be.

I sincerely apologize if this seems harsh. But I'm living in this situation right now and my biggest regret I have is how badly I have hurt my wife. Words cannot express the devastation she feels and it makes me hate myself. My only hope is that she will one day find a man that can be genuine, honest, and love her the way she deserves...I was not the man an she paid the price.

As you come out, explore your sexuality, and make new friends, you will clearly be moving on while she is left picking up the pieces of her shattered life.

Please just don't do anything in haste. Think it through. Get individual counseling to work through how you feel. Just don't rush into your decision.

Good luck and again, I'm sorry if I came out too strong. It's not my intention to keep you in the closet, but to help you see the effects that your coming out may have.

[David3K]

Thats a tough one. I say your wife is gonna hate it but will get over it eventually. You should seek proffesional counseling.

[shane82]

I was in similar situation. But I have son. It's took 3 years to discover and accept myself as gay guy. Than I lived 2 years to cheating her, because I was so scary to tell her about myself. I think your procesing to discover and accept yourself take some times, after that you admit you are gay. You speak with your wife about your doubt.