Scared and Confused. Please help

[MBRetzlaff]

So... I have so many conflicting emotions right now I am not 100% sure where to begin with this.

I am 27 years old and have had a partner of 11 years, But I am not sure that I actually ever was in love with him and what's worse I think he may be cheating on me.

I started to get suspicious when I found out he had cell phone that I did not know about, or rather I thought he had it turned off but he didn't. I heard it ring while I was upstairs watching T.V. and realized where it was coming from. so I started looking in the text and realized that he had be talking to another guy that apparently sent him a picture after asking with or without clothes. (RED FLAG!! right?) anyway the picture he sent was clothed. I then realized the time. 3am and the next MSG from this guy was "Good night, call me when you wake up". no more text since. So here I am slightly upset but have no hard concrete proof because so I pretend that I know nothing.

The phone vanishes for a while and then while we are in the car I hear it ring. I ask him why it hasn't been turned off yet and he said that he tried but the account was in my name and they wouldn't do it without me present. So we go to t-mobile and have it turned off in which they ask why we are turning it off and I reply that because the phone isn't used much and my partner quickly replies "Its never used. Never." That perks my suspicion even more. So while he was asleep I looked at his Iphone and noticed some addresses in his history that I did not recognize so i looked them up and they were all neighborhoods. there wasn't a number address just a street.

He hasn't said "I love you" in 3 days and normally he is very touchy and has stopped completely. Sometimes when I walk into a room he is in he quickly locks his phone and sets it down. Am I being overly concerned here?

[MikeW]

Do you not have any personal friends IRL you can talk with about this? Maybe someone who knows you both?

Certainly sounds suspicious.

[50Plus]

Suspicious minds start generally from one of two causes.
1. The other one does something that causes us to question their commitment to us.
2. We do something that causes us to question our commitment to them.

You did not state your feelings about him. Do you still love him? Are you looking elsewhere or wanting a change? All valid questions with valid answers.

Will it hurt to tell him what you found / saw on the phone?

You say that he has been hiding the phone and his contacts from you. It is also true that you have been hiding the knowledge of the hidden phone and contacts from him.

Although two negatives can make a plus, two wrongs do not equal a right. Have the chat. Explore what is going on.

[MBRetzlaff]

50Plus, I caught him lying to me about that phone being off... then lying again about using it. What if I get more lies?

Also when I say off, I mean the service. Not that actual phone.

We have definitely Drifted. We have nothing in common and he doesn't really even sleep in bed with me anymore... If there is to be any show of affection it is initiated by me.

[MikeW]

50Plus is right, you need to have 'the talk'. But if you've been in a loveless relationship since you were 16 years old, there's much more going on here than your partner's suspected infidelity.

[MBRetzlaff]

Do you not have any personal friends IRL you can talk with about this? Maybe someone who knows you both?

Certainly sounds suspicious.

unfortunately no... We moved out of state together and the only friends we made are at our works.

[MBRetzlaff]

Don't get me wrong, I do love him, just unsure about the "in" part,especially lately.

[MikeW]

unfortunately no... We moved out of state together and the only friends we made are at our works.

The reason I asked that question is there is a limit to what a forum can do. Certainly we're willing to give our perspective and opinions, maybe make suggestions, but we don't really know you, your partner, or really very much about your lives. This makes a difference.

My bottom line question to you is, do you want to continue in a relationship with someone you're not sure you ever loved, whether he's cheating on you or not?

[50Plus]

It isn't a question about right or wrong. It may not even be about lies and truths.

Its a question about what is your happy life.

I don't think you are being overly concerned/ Tho as you describe it there is a loss of trust.

The conversation could be as simple as (without accusation) ask him to help you understand why he said the phone was never used, especially since you saw messages on it.

[TwisttheLeaf]

It's time to sit down and have a talk. You need to tell him you knw he's been lying and that you don't appreciate it. Precursor your talk by making it clear that lying isn't okay and you want to have a frank and -honest- discussion with him.

Tell him the things you've seen. The things you've discovered. And the things you suspect.

Tell him you don't want lies or for him to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Instead you want him to speak to you honestly about what he's feeling towards you and what's going on.

I can't guarantee that he'll be honest, but if during the discussion you catch lies, you need to confront them immediately, in the conversation. Don't let them just pass you by and shrug them off.

This is, of course, how -I- would handle the situation. I can, at times, be somewhat confrontational. Especially if I feel like I'm being lied to.