Finally Hit The Wall...Need Help!

[East]

I am very good at solving my problems usually...I had a great therapist who pretty much gave me the tools that have lasted my lifetime...but I have hit a wall with this one and I need some help.

My problem...I have a serious problem with negative people...or people who live their lives as victims...and I attract them to me like flies. I do understand WHY I attract them (or at least part of the reason...I might be missing something)...they remind me of my parents and even though I distanced myself from my parents when they were alive...I keep attracting these people to me and I want to scream......

I should make it clear...only 5% of the people I attract to me are like this...the other 95% are cool.
This has become a very serious problem for me because they collectively drain every bit of energy I have daily and I keep thinking that I am somehow going to magically overcome the effect they have on me.

I know negative is a broad term and can be interpreted in a lot of different ways so I will give you a list of the very specific qualities they all share and these are the very specific things that I despise to the core of my being....

***** They like to take a shit on anything and anyone every day who do cower to them and their crap. They like to beat you down and remind you how everything sucks and if you start to agree with them they will take a shit elsewhere until they see a bit of life in you and then they are back using you as a toilet again. I tried "playing dead" with them but I am no good at it.

*****They are bullies. They can never take ANYTHING they dish out...it is probably their most unifying...and most annoying... quality. If you dare to point this out to them each one of them becomes a whiny victim and is quite shocked that you would dare to say such a thing...and it is truly insane when they say the exact same things hourly...24/7...about everyone else.

*****If you calmly point out to them their behavior or ask them why they say such negative things 24/7 they will categorically deny they have ever done any of the things you mentioned and it is so WIERD because there is no way they could have missed THAT MUCH of their waking existence. ...like...how could they not know?????....everyone else does

*****They almost always say really bad things about people behind their backs and it is pathological...as though they can't help themselves... and then smile to their face...It makes me want to puke because if I say anything bad about someone it is usually to their face and if not...I don't pretend to like them. I don't even know how.

*****Everything always "happens" to them and they play no role in any of it. (BARF)

*****The one I am stuck on now....When they know you have had enough of them and start to pull away...they use emotional blackmail on you and you find yourself feeling sorry for them.....and they know exactly what to do or say or portray each time......I have backed down so much because for me it is worse to face the emotional blackmail than to put up with them.

*****They present you with 100 problems a day and actually get angry if you help them or fix any of them. If you do fix the "problem" despite them...they will make sure to find a way to create the exact same problem again and present it to you. It is actually freaky...I can even predict the day they will do it.

There is more but these are the things that come to mind right away....

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

I keep hoping I will find the magical key to release myself from this cycle. I will lash out at the negative people who I don't know often ...I think because I feel powerless with the people who I do know.

I also resist jumping into the sewer with them because then I know I might never get out. They want you to join them...I am sure of this. Misery loves company...a little too much....

One more thing...the men who have done this to me...I reject them eventually and put a stop to it but it is the women who I have the problem with....

I would really like to find a way out of these relationships...I only have two of them left ...both women...but these two people consume me. One of them is sick and I keep hoping she will die so I don't have to deal with her anymore and I hate that I am thinking that...I want to do this the right way and I don't think that is the right way

Can anyone help? Do you know anyone like this?

I want to scream......

[saif1232]

Holy shit ._. You have just described how I feel about some people... When this happens to me and it gets real bad I end up disappearing, like not being online/blocking them, not answering the door or phone. That way you wouldn't have to deal with any blackmail at all, tho I know you might end up feeling guilty in the end.. One thing I've noticed about you is that you atrract these people because you might be the guy to be there for his close ones, and I observed this from the way you say it consumes you... BUT the problem with this is that you have a limit to how much support you can give, and consumes you as you say. Maybe you should speak to these women, tell them how your suffering yourself, and it is time that you set boundaries to what you can do for them in order to take care of yourself, and if they use emotional blackmail and victimise themselves against your reason, they clearly don't care about you but care about what you do for them, and are therefore selfish. I hope you really sort this problem out, or calm down. Good luck

[Borg69]

Knowing you as I do, I think we kind of have the same problem... we're TOO empathic. Sensing and feeling, and CARING about other peoples' problems opens the door WIDE to anyone who wants to share those problems. They're drawn to you like a lightning rod.

Like you, I long ago realized that many of those people don't want to SOLVE their problems... they just want to wallow in them like fatted pigs in mud. ... and of course, Misery LOVES company. Yes, they WILL drag you in with them. Drama is meant to be SHARED, and spot lighted.

At first, it was kind of a nice escape. Oh look!!! I can avoid my own problems by helping to solve theirs!!! ... but inevitably I'd be so drawn in that their problems became MY problems, and my problems... went on the back burner to fester and get larger for me to deal with on my own later.

For self preservation reasons, I had to just close myself off to those types of emotional parasites and cut them out of my life as much as possible. I have a small circle of a FEW close friends who I'd do anything for... and anyone NOT in the circle are on their own. Sorry! Tough Luck... Survival of the fittest... Not MY problem!

[saif1232]

ffs when i post things with my phone, they sometimes dont appear.
Anyway, you somehow described how i feel about some people right over there ^. and the only thing I can think of you doing is shutting yourself off completely for a while, as in distancing yourself completely from them, block them dont answer your door etc. I noticed that you seem to attract these kinds of people because your a good friend who would wanna be there for them, but these people you describe arent friends asking for help, but emotional leechers who are just making you depressed. I suggest you approach them and tell them that your there for them BUT your ganna set boundaries in which when it becomes too much you will not do anymore, for your own good because you need to take care of yourself first. And if they dont accept this then they are clearly selfish...

[Bhp91126]

What are you still doing with these people? They ought to be exorcized from your life. Don't take their calls, don't answer their texts, block their emails and don't open the door. Eventually they will get the message and look for new victims.

Also, if someone is always complaining about the same shit ask them: what are you doing to improve that situation?
And then let them answer!

[Jake]

What you have been describing East is exactly the famous Karpman triangle. I have studied that during my psychology degree and you might want to take a look at this

http://coachingsupervisionacademy.com/th...-triangle/

I too have been caught several times in the Karpman triangle and the way I got out of it is that I stop being too interested at helping others too much. I choose my subject just like I do here on GS. And when I decide to help someone it's because I know that the person I'm helping will not overstay her welcome.

[Aike]

I can only offer the same kind of advice as has already been given.

If you keep drawing these type of people it means you're giving them something they're not getting from other people. And you probably know what this 'something' is and why you keep being sucked into a vicious circle over and over again. You just need to find ways to refuse to participate in it. You can either cut contact in a straightforward manner like Bhp suggested or, if you don't want to/can't erase these people completely from your life, you can lay out some conditions of your own: you won't receive their calls for two weeks if they keep on saying whatever negative BS they say, you won't be meeting them anywhere if all they're going to do is to complain to you about their lives, you'll hang up the phone if they're gonna make you feel guilty, etc. It sounds ridiculous but you should make it clear to them what they can or can't do with you and stick to your rules.

Good luck

[ChadCoxRox]

I am very good at solving my problems usually...I would really like to find a way out of these relationships...I only have two of them left ...Can anyone help? Do you know anyone like this?

I want to scream......

I am SO very much FEELING this post East!! It's like a nightmare. This is especially difficult in the work place and even more so with those in positions of authority over you. You can try to "deal" with the relationship in a way that allows it to be "friendly" because you really don't have any investment in causing intentional pain but then the screaming need to do so will NOT shut the hell up! In situations where you MUST try to get along because of no reasonable alternatives, you have to weigh the pros and cons repeatedly knowing without reasonable alternatives you are still having to "cope."

Enlisting a third party might be constructive but if it's someone untrustworthy you leave yourself open for more drama. THEN, there's the good ole' passive aggressive measure where you enlist a third party KNOWING they may not be trustworthy and be prepared to let the chips fall. It is likely you'll find others who have the same experience with the individual and possibly be willing to join forces for a collective "piss off" or other more tasteful intervention.

So are the "two women left" personal or professional contacts would be the next question to explore further.

[East]

Thanks guys...I will get back to a lot of the things I want to say or respond to but first...I think I have gotten something wrong...

When I read about Jake's triangle...THIS is an exact description of them....I would have thought victim was the right description but this one nailed them...like scary nailed them both...

Persecutors love the power of moving people around on the chess board of life. Brad Pitt in Fight Club is an extreme example of this. Everything is win or lose, with very little ability to be a part of a team. There is a desperate need to be right at all costs and you can end up doubting yourself even about the facts of what happens.

Playing in this triangle of manipulation ultimately leads to a very boring life. Over and over again the game is repeated, and there are never any solutions. Nobody grows as all the players are very stuck in the cycle of repeating their tired roles, all for empty drama.

1.The Constant Victim – No matter what happens, with many twists and turns, this emotional manipulator becomes the victim. They love to triangulate.
2.One-Upmanship Expert – With skillful manipulation, like put downs, this person always needs to gain the high ground with others.
3.Powerful Dependents – Dependents who hide behind the guise of being weak & powerless, but gain considerable power through helplessness, in the lives of those they are dependent upon. Their hidden message is “Don’t let me down.”
4.Triangulators – “You are so special. I’m so happy you’re on my side. Let me tell you what these terrible people are doing to me! Plus they are saying very nasty things about you too!” They turn people against each other.
5.The Blasters – It is not uncommon for teens to be blasters. Hopefully, they grow out of it. The goal for blasters is to not be confronted on any issues. They blast you with anger & side issues to throw you off topic. It’s a good technique to hide secrets.
6.The Projector – A projector denies they have any dysfunctional issues and only see their own issues in other people, which is very convenient. You are manipulative, not them.
7.The Intentional Mis-Interpreter – They intentionally misinterpret information to feed you bad information about others & themselves. Or they feed other people bad information about you. They appear friendly & trustworthy.
8.The Flirt – “Look at me! Be attracted to me! I have plans for you!” They use flirting to get what they want. They need to be preferred & admired.
9.The Iron Fist – Intimidates & demands that you give me what I want! They scorch & burn & may become physical.
10.The Multiple Offender – Uses a blend of these techniques.

Ten Ways to Recognize Emotional Manipulators
Also with permission from Dr. Jim Fogarty
1.Emotional manipulators often begin by being charming, but they are never really accessible.
2.Too early in the relationship, your every need seems to be filled.
3.They lie by exaggeration, distorting the truth & by omission.
4.You notice that you end up apologizing a lot!
5.The manipulator persuades you to do things you would not normally do.
6.You constantly have second class status & your opinion is never really good enough.
7.The manipulator has huge reactions that are way too big over small irritations.
8.Manipulators promise a lovely future that never materializes.
9.The manipulator is successful when they give only vague indications that something is bothering them & you jump to fix it for them.
10.Problems are never the manipulators fault, they never take responsibility & are always quick to blame you

Oh yeah...I am the "Rescuer" and while I agree with what was written..I think it is more complex....like they are missing a chunk.

[East]

Knowing you as I do, I think we kind of have the same problem... we're TOO empathic. Sensing and feeling, and CARING about other peoples' problems opens the door WIDE to anyone who wants to share those problems. They're drawn to you like a lightning rod.

Like you, I long ago realized that many of those people don't want to SOLVE their problems... they just want to wallow in them like fatted pigs in mud. ... and of course, Misery LOVES company. Yes, they WILL drag you in with them. Drama is meant to be SHARED, and spot lighted.

At first, it was kind of a nice escape. Oh look!!! I can avoid my own problems by helping to solve theirs!!! ... but inevitably I'd be so drawn in that their problems became MY problems, and my problems... went on the back burner to fester and get larger for me to deal with on my own later.

For self preservation reasons, I had to just close myself off to those types of emotional parasites and cut them out of my life as much as possible. I have a small circle of a FEW close friends who I'd do anything for... and anyone NOT in the circle are on their own. Sorry! Tough Luck... Survival of the fittest... Not MY problem!

Empathy is a huge problem because I feel sorry for both of them..... I think they are "trapped" and I know that underneath all of that is a scared person. I think of them like the Wizard of OZ hiding behind a curtain pulling strings....that is actually how I see them....

...and then I feel compelled to try to talk to the little fucker and let him know how horrible it is to do this to other people when it would be so much easier to just address whatever it is that made them want to do the things they do.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............................

I think I need to tell myself that sometimes people are just bad...and there is nothing I can do about it.....and I TRY to do that but it's like they know it and then portray something to me and I believe it.

I definitely know better though...I have a hard time believing anyone would want to be as bad as both of them are. I think maybe if they saw the "light" they would be free from monsterdom. The empathy is a problem because when I put myself in their shoes it is impossible for me to understand why they would do the things they do.

Oh God...I am pathetic. EEK Seriously. Sometimes a wall is actually a wall. I like to think there might be a door....even when it is clear there isn't one. That is part of my problem I think.