Finally Hit The Wall...Need Help!

[TwisttheLeaf]

I have known a number of people exactly like you describe, and I know how to free myself from them.

That said? What works for me may not work for you. But, here has been my past method.

I let them get me worked up first. I -need- to be worked up in order to do what needs to be done. It crushes me on the inside when I hurt people, therefore, I need enough anger or outrage to get past that and do what needs done.

Once I'm worked up. I literally turn around and tell them about themselves. I -prefer- to do this in writing. Why? Because they'll -save- it and read it again and again. So it not only lasts longer but has a harder impact.

I have presented this "telling them about themselves" both in person (reading it to them then handing them what I read) as well as through email. Both methods work as long as I am worked up enough to not allow their pity party past my wall of outrage.

When I speak about "telling them about themselves" I mean exactly that. Bluntly. Harshly. Even -meanly- in certain situations. I tell them exactly what I dislike about them. What's -wrong- with them. How fucked up they are. How disappointed and disgusted and angry they make me and others feel. How their behavior affects not just others but their own lives.

I then finish this with something along the lines of..... "and I'm done. I'm done with all of it. I want you out of my life, and I don't want you to contact me again. Period. If you do, I won't answer. I won't acknowledge you. As far as I'm concerned? You've dropped off the fucking planet and don't exist anymore. Goodbye."

I then walk away, and I hold up my end of that promise. I don't answer their phone calls. I don't answer the door if they come knocking, even when it's obvious I'm home. I don't reply to emails or texts or IMs. They don't exist.

This is how I handle this issue.

Good luck man.

[bilkiba]

While I'm terribly sorry this stuff is happening to you, I'm glad I can read this thread. I've often thought I'm one of those people like you describe, even though people have told me I'm not that bad. Now I can definitely say that I am not one of those people, because I am glad to get out of bad situations and employ solutions when I can.

Unfortunately, I don't really know what to tell you to do about this. I've encountered someone like that before, but it was only online. I was easily able to fix that problem by blocking her on the website it was on and that solved the problem. As others have said, I think the only way to deal with this kind of problem is by finding a way to get away from those people. If you can't do it by talking to them, then just stop talking to them. It seems mean, and I'd hate to do so myself, but you gotta get them out of your life if they can't or won't stop draining you. While it seems awfully selfish, in the end you always have to put yourself first. Take others into account as long as you can, but when they become purely detrimental like this, you have to just let them go. If that means you have to suddenly pretend they don't exist, then so be it.

I can't say what would be the easiest way for you to go about something like that, as I don't know you, but however you can manage to make yourself get away from them, do it, and don't look back. Myself, I would just start completely ignoring them, and maybe try changing my phone number.

[James]

East, don't spend too much time on the people who feel sorry for themselves, it will only drag you down, I have spent way to much time on some, trying to support them and give them direction. You must decide just how much effort you want to spend on these people, if you don't see an end to their self induced suffering, you must move on

[50Plus]

** WARNING ** Harsh wording to follow. If you are extremely sensitive do not read.

C'mon, give me a break. Talking to them and hoping that they will listen to you and care about your feelings and leave you alone? What a load of twat rot. It might work to break up with someone, it does not work to eliminate that person from your life.

You can pull the ostrich routine and hide from them. Perfect solution as long as somehow that for the entire rest of your life you never run in to them again. Do you plan on moving thousands of miles away? Do they? Likely want to pull a different strategy.

With technology tho it can be worthwhile to publicly pull the ostrich. Such techniques as making a large show of UN friending them on that Fbook site. Auto respond on emails from them stating that you consider their behaviour an invasion of privacy and harrassment.

Essentially what you want to do is to be a prick towards them. Wait until you are in a real bitchy mood to do it because then you get to combine it with an emotional release. WOOOO HOOOO, what a feeling.

What to do? Bannish them from your life. Shun them. Shut them out - inside your mind and outside your mind. Simply put, make it so that they do not exist in your life.

Emotional disengagement / disattachment has always worked for me. Some of its features:
- ability to look through someone without seeing them (they will feel it because it is eerie)
- rolling your eyes at just about everything they say
- paying attention to everything but them
- agreeing with them that you do not pay attention to them
- making a show of walking away from them to demonstrate your disinterest
- not acknowledging their presense (a 500 pound lumberjack sitting on you may cause you to reconsider mind you)

I have one friend like you describe. I have eliminated him from my life. He has attempted to reach in to my life several times. He is a stranger now, so why would I respond? I 'block user' him whenever he tries to contact me through social networks.

And if all else fails - tell them quiet bluntly to fuck off (I have done exactly that).

Sadly it is women you are referencing, for if it was gay men I would tell them that I am straight.

Hope these help. The above advice comes from someone who has outsourced his empathy so these techniques may not be for everyone. I really don't care what happens to most other people.

[Jake]

East just don't forget that when you're helping someone, the tool is you, mostly in terms of providing advices or even driving them around. People like you described will never see the ends of your assistance and they will for the most take you for granted.

You need to set your boundaries, when someone ask for help, set the limit right away and tell them the limits you're settings, if they don't get why you have stopped to assist them and they deny that you did not register for more, you should not feel any shame to turn your back at them. Too much helping isn't helping at all it creates dependancy.

[50Plus]

And to follow up from the other perspective.

memechose, on another thread, stated he likes to look at the story from the other side. So, I am borrowing his style.

What is your gain in all of this?
Do you view yourself as a hero?
Do you want to solve everyone's problems?

Have you thought of these questions and acknowledged the answers, even if you don't like the answer?

Its tough to admit being a hero. But wow, does it ever cause a release - simply knowing why you do something is a great source of mental freedom.

[saif1232]

All these comments just make me realize is that the problem is that they are not helping themselves but letting others do the dirty work, when really they should be responsible for their problems (of course there is nothing wrong with some help but not letting people do it all) and OHH I just realized one trick that works and I have used before! If this person is whining all day etc, they only take support but don't give it back, if you stary whining to them And make up issues and just keep talking about them ALL the time they'll suddenly find no space for themselves and solely become uninterested, you gotta try giving them a taste of their own medicine

[Jake]

All these comments just make me realize is that the problem is that they are not helping themselves but letting others do the dirty work, when really they should be responsible for their problems (of course there is nothing wrong with some help but not letting people do it all) and OHH I just realized one trick that works and I have used before! If this person is whining all day etc, they only take support but don't give it back, if you stary whining to them And make up issues and just keep talking about them ALL the time they'll suddenly find no space for themselves and solely become uninterested, you gotta try giving them a taste of their own medicine

Be careful with that it can easily backfire... I have studied behavioral psychology and while many people are not all psychologists, it doesn't mean that they do not catch up other people's behaviors and adapt to them and trap you in a infinite circle of whining.

[East]

** WARNING ** Harsh wording to follow. If you are extremely sensitive do not read.

C'mon, give me a break. Talking to them and hoping that they will listen to you and care about your feelings and leave you alone? What a load of twat rot. It might work to break up with someone, it does not work to eliminate that person from your life.

You can pull the ostrich routine and hide from them. Perfect solution as long as somehow that for the entire rest of your life you never run in to them again. Do you plan on moving thousands of miles away? Do they? Likely want to pull a different strategy.

With technology tho it can be worthwhile to publicly pull the ostrich. Such techniques as making a large show of UN friending them on that Fbook site. Auto respond on emails from them stating that you consider their behaviour an invasion of privacy and harrassment.

Essentially what you want to do is to be a prick towards them. Wait until you are in a real bitchy mood to do it because then you get to combine it with an emotional release. WOOOO HOOOO, what a feeling.

What to do? Bannish them from your life. Shun them. Shut them out - inside your mind and outside your mind. Simply put, make it so that they do not exist in your life.

Emotional disengagement / disattachment has always worked for me. Some of its features:
- ability to look through someone without seeing them (they will feel it because it is eerie)
- rolling your eyes at just about everything they say
- paying attention to everything but them
- agreeing with them that you do not pay attention to them
- making a show of walking away from them to demonstrate your disinterest
- not acknowledging their presense (a 500 pound lumberjack sitting on you may cause you to reconsider mind you)

I have one friend like you describe. I have eliminated him from my life. He has attempted to reach in to my life several times. He is a stranger now, so why would I respond? I 'block user' him whenever he tries to contact me through social networks.

And if all else fails - tell them quiet bluntly to fuck off (I have done exactly that).

Sadly it is women you are referencing, for if it was gay men I would tell them that I am straight.

Hope these help. The above advice comes from someone who has outsourced his empathy so these techniques may not be for everyone. I really don't care what happens to most other people.

THANK YOU for this post...I have figured out a lot after reading it earlier and I finally think I "get it"...it isn't about the two of them though...it is about me....

This has been a long journey and I think this is the end now...my last two. I had a shitload of people like this before and I realized that these two and this one other I didn't mention who is slightly different are my final three. When I have hit the wall before with them I have been referring to them as "psychic vampires" and writing them off as nothing more than that...and one of them...the guy..,.is exactly that...but the other two are so much more....

The methods you employed...it reminded me that I have employed them all myself (except for the agreeing I am not paying attention which I can't remember doing)...mostly with success and mostly when I worked in the nightclub...and I believe your advice for the most part is what I would give someone else....

I also realized it isn't about negativity...the thing that they all have in common is that I re-created my family and when I have rebuked people with similar qualities over the years with success...these people are here because I am keeping them here....and I feel sick about it.

When I read the triangle Jake mentioned earlier I also felt sick...the profile reminded me of my family and then, of course, reminded me of the two of them....

I have thought of this before on many many occasions but it was hazy and I dismissed it...this time it is obvious and clear what I have done. I think I have seen it clear before but since one of them is an old woman I had a hard time figuring out what she represented to me.

What to do? Bannish them from your life. Shun them. Shut them out - inside your mind and outside your mind. Simply put, make it so that they do not exist in your life.

One of the two of them I have done this with...haven't spoken a word to her in a little over two years...before that we had a six month truce after previously not speaking to her for over three years. There is a twist. She lives with us.

She uses mental and physical energy to try to engage me and I spend a lot of time and energy trying to completely ignore her. I know she is sick. I don't like her on any level but I feel like I am on some level responsible for her being sick because I haven't cured her (YKES). That is how I felt with my mother. I also feel on some level it is my responsibility to fix her which is also how I felt with my mother.....

I think that is why I allow it...and why she has the mojo she does over me....I think if I could get her out of my head I could get her out of my house but I feel like I owe her something.....UGH....

[East]

And to follow up from the other perspective.

memechose, on another thread, stated he likes to look at the story from the other side. So, I am borrowing his style.

What is your gain in all of this?
Do you view yourself as a hero?
Do you want to solve everyone's problems?

Have you thought of these questions and acknowledged the answers, even if you don't like the answer?

Its tough to admit being a hero. But wow, does it ever cause a release - simply knowing why you do something is a great source of mental freedom.

My gain...."Fixing" them both

A Hero?....Quite possibly yes...not really sure though because I get the feeling if I ever did "save" them I think I would hate them completely...not sure why.

I do like to rescue people though in general and I am good at it quite a lot of the time but I also know that in the end..I did nothing that they didn't do for themselves...but yeah... that does give me satisfaction to see someone overcome or get past something.

Everyone's problems?....At one time.....yes....but as time marched along the kinds of problems I like to solve diminished and the people I help...I try to assist the people who I have something to offer. I used to try to help people who I had no business trying to help. Most of the time I do want to help someone and have something to offer I do it indirectly and don't ever let them know I am helping them.