Finally Hit The Wall...Need Help!

[East]

I catch myself dating guys with some of the same 'problems' my parents had... I'm going to assume it's "human", even if it is annoying.

Yeah...you know what they say about growing up and marrying your mom or dad. I guess that is nice if you had the fairy tale parents...and it makes sense...

...but when your mom and dad suck I guess it might still be true....

The thing that f*cks me up...(I have this written down for my therapist)...I was fine thinking they were just evil because it was easy (and true) but over the years hearing about mental illness not being anyone's fault I felt guilty for not liking or helping them ...and that I should have tried to fix them or accept it.....

...maybe I am trying to compensate now...UGH

[MikeW]

...What I want a therapist to do for me now is to help me figure out why I recreated the fucking family I tried to escape...YIKES...

We can escape our external families, externally. We can't escape the damage they've done. We may heal much of the wounding but the scars remain.

What you're dealing with falls under the general category of "repetition compulsion.":

Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again. This "re-living" can also take the form of dreams in which memories and feelings of what happened are repeated, and even hallucination.

The term can also be used to cover the repetition of behaviour or life patterns more broadly: a "key component in Freud's understanding of mental life, 'repetition compulsion'...describes the pattern whereby people endlessly repeat patterns of behaviour which were difficult or distressing in earlier life."

Cf: Wiki for further reading.

[MikeW]

...The thing that f*cks me up...(I have this written down for my therapist)...I was fine thinking they were just evil because it was easy (and true) but over the years hearing about mental illness not being anyone's fault I felt guilty for not liking or helping them ...and that I should have tried to fix them or accept it.....

...maybe I am trying to compensate now...UGH

Sounds like.

In brief: None of us are responsible for our birth families' dynamics, whatever they may be. We did not cause them nor can we repair them as children. They are the psychological environments into which we are born (no less 'accidental', perhaps, than the geographical location), and to which we learn to adapt and (in some instances) survive despite them.

But the external is internalized. Everything we think we know about the external world takes shape within our neuro-phenomenological structures (biology+meaning, broadly speaking).

I ask myself this question: Who would I be had I had different parents, a different family dynamic, had been born in completely different circumstances? Would *I* be "me"? It seems to me there are fundamental, essential, qualities that are innate; however, around that--and to a certain extent emanating from that--a 'personality' is formed in direct response to the conditions of early life. Yes, I would be me, but then again, I might not recognize myself if we met.

To an extent, then, "repetition compulsion" is the reconstruction of the familiar ('family', get it?) *which reinforces our constructed sense of identity*.

Somewhat jokingly I like to say: "We're all just figments of our own imagination." It's a joke but I believe there is far more truth to it than most of us are comfortable admitting.

[East]

We can escape our external families, externally. We can't escape the damage they've done. We may heal much of the wounding but the scars remain.

What you're dealing with falls under the general category of "repetition compulsion.":



Cf: Wiki for further reading.

THANK YOU You nailed it....and just saved me at least some time at the therapist. I like to do as much work on my own before I use a therapist so I can be as specific as possible for optimal results...

When I read the wiki link info...

"Along the way, however, Freud had in addition considered a variety of more purely psychological explanations for the phenomena of the repetition compulsion which he had observed. Traumatic repetitions could be seen as the result of an attempt to retrospectively "master" the original trauma,"

THIS further nailed it...it is exactly what I am doing. I was sick when I realized I had created it and now maybe if I can understand it better I can figure out a way out of the mess. I don't think I can master a sociopath and I think it is a bad idea to keep trying....

[East]

Sounds like.

In brief: None of us are responsible for our birth families' dynamics, whatever they may be. We did not cause them nor can we repair them as children. They are the psychological environments into which we are born (no less 'accidental', perhaps, than the geographical location), and to which we learn to adapt and (in some instances) survive despite them.

But the external is internalized. Everything we think we know about the external world takes shape within our neuro-phenomenological structures (biology+meaning, broadly speaking).

I ask myself this question: Who would I be had I had different parents, a different family dynamic, had been born in completely different circumstances? Would *I* be "me"? It seems to me there are fundamental, essential, qualities that are innate; however, around that--and to a certain extent emanating from that--a 'personality' is formed in direct response to the conditions of early life. Yes, I would be me, but then again, I might not recognize myself if we met.

To an extent, then, "repetition compulsion" is the reconstruction of the familiar ('family', get it?) *which reinforces our constructed sense of identity*.

Somewhat jokingly I like to say: "We're all just figments of our own imagination." It's a joke but I believe there is far more truth to it than most of us are comfortable admitting.

I have thought about this a lot in my life....

My game plan was to overcome the bastards and then forgive them so I can let it go...and I have had a lot of success...but it hasn't been an easy road to take. I considered just pretending none of it happened and not allowing myself to feel anything I can't control but I don't have what it takes to do it....

Finding an identity that differs from the one you inherited is a difficult task and familiarity and identity are definite motives for the compulsive behavior...

I got so much more flack and peer pressure for letting go of my parents and almost zero for embracing my sexuality. There is ALOT of pressure to "honor thy parents". I have to believe that most of the people pushing that pill have no idea what kind of monsters there are in the world.