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Borg69 Wrote:If it's with guys across the planet, not so much to worry about.
If it's with guys within walking distance of your home or a short drive? Then it becomes a bit more real.
no. as long as he doesn't meet with them in person the same principle applies. everything that happens on the internet and stays on the internet, i really do not see, and never have seen, that a threat.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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Gideon Wrote:My first question would be...you do realize that what you did was deceptive and underhanded trying to trap him like that, yeah?
How would you feel if he'd done that to you?
My next question, are you absolutely -certain- without a shadow of a doubt that this guy was him? I mean you would know your boyfriend's body better than anyone, but are you -sure-? Are you sure enough to confront him?
If it's him, and he's trying to hook up, then sounds like you have an issue on your hands, but you're going to have to fess up to the wrong that -you- did before you can confront him on what he's doing, or trying to do.
I'd have to do both...fess up and confront him, personally, but then I can't keep secrets from Twist, I won't.
While I agree that two wrongs don't make a right, I think there are degrees of wrong. In the OP's defense, he noticed Grindr on the BF's phone that shouldn't have been there and did some investigating. Personally, I don't see anything [too] wrong with that. I've been in enough shitty relationships where I've been cheated on to know that "All's Fair In Love and War". No guy who is cheating on you is going to be honest about it when confronted/caught. If you want the truth, you're not going to get it from a cheater knowingly.
When we were dating, my own BF "catfished" me a couple of times to see what kind of person I was when he 'wasn't' around... I passed. There's a vast difference between Chatting/flirting socially, and looking for a hookup and trading nudes with locals.
While the OP's evidence isn't exactly 100% conclusive, it's enough of a red flag to be seriously cautious. His own health is at risk if his BF is hooking up behind his back.
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He's being a douche, but he might not fully understand it.
Confront him, tell him the truth. You care for him, maybe even love him, atleast you do want to stay together, as a couple. So what you have to do, is to make it clear that if he is to be your boyfriend, he must be exclussive.
There's nothing wrong with wanting more / something different or looking around, but that's not what you want. Is it what he want, really? If he has to choose, is this the choice he will make? Would he rather stay with you, monogamously, being allowed room to look, but not to touch, or would he prefer for you to go your seperate ways and him having the freedom to do whoever he wants?
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My boyfriend and I are always looking, but not touching, at hot guys and neither of us have a problem with it, but that is the guys we see in our day to day lives. If one of us were to go without the other to a gay bar or nightclub with a group of friends, of course we are going to notice the hot guys there and it would be no problem, but if one of us were to go to an underground sex club, even if not participating, you had better believe there is going to be a problem. If my boyfriend was going to go to a party at a gay friend's house and most of the guests were gay, no problem, but if he said he was going to an orgy, but only to look, there is no way in hell that is happening. A gay forum website like Gayspeak or some gay news group, no big deal and it is no big deal admiring some of the profiles there because those places are not set up for looking for sex it just happens that you sometimes find people attractive, but Grindr, that is the equivalent of the underground sex club or the orgy. I would find it laughable for my boyfriend to portray Grindr as legitimate place for a person in a monogamous relationship to go for friendly conversation or to make friends when there are so many non-sex options to do the same thing.
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What would happen if you didn't confront him right away? Rather than going the route of shaming your partner, maybe you can think about what your partner wants that you aren't giving him (or maybe ask). If you can't find an answer (or he lies and says he's satisfied) then that's a red flag, in which case you might want to consider alternative courses of action. Don't put him in a position where he feels he has to lie or defend himself to keep you in his life. For all you know that profile wasn't his.
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Well, if your extremely concerned try talking to him about what happened, and tell him he needs to respect you. If you do decide to confront him then try to be firm without being rude or sounding angry. Hope this helps.
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Jerpyjorpjerp Wrote:What would happen if you didn't confront him right away? Rather than going the route of shaming your partner, maybe you can think about what your partner wants that you aren't giving him (or maybe ask). If you can't find an answer (or he lies and says he's satisfied) then that's a red flag, in which case you might want to consider alternative courses of action. Don't put him in a position where he feels he has to lie or defend himself to keep you in his life. For all you know that profile wasn't his.
I respectfully disagree. You're making it sound like the BF cheating and hiding it is somehow the OP's fault. The OP has done nothing wrong here. Why should he be second guessing what his BF wants? Also, IMO calling out a cheater/liar isn't "shaming"... it's having some self respect and dignity and not being a doormat.
Definitely the OP needs definitive hard facts (no pun) before proceeding, but shouldn't just sweep this under a rug or stick his head in the sand pretending everything is fine.
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Where the OP was wrong was to not confront this the moment he saw Grindr on his boyfriend's phone instead going to this roundabout way of trying to get some evidence. The OP already had some pretty convincing evidence, that he saw Grindr on the phone. It's an app and unless they're preloaded, you are the one that has to put an app on your phone. They do not just appear by magic and I am very sure phones do not come with Grindr already there.
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Borg69 Wrote:I respectfully disagree. You're making it sound like the BF cheating and hiding it is somehow the OP's fault. The OP has done nothing wrong here.
you're forgetting the bf hasn't actually cheated on him yet. at least not as far as any of us know. i think you guys are overreacting with this whole Grindr thing.
and the OP has done nothing wrong? except for the fact that he created a fake identity, lied and deceived him behind his back instead of honestly talking to him about his concerns. yeah, that's how people should treat their partner they supposedly love and care for.
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I dont know about this thread..
I would be the last to go through my boyfriend's phone.. but I will not reprimand the opening poster for what he did...
When you are truly connected to another. .
You can sense deception. ..
When you are in love with another the idea of him or her being deceptive is a truly unbearable. ..
He snooped around knowing something in his relationship was terribly wrong..but his partner convinced him otherwise!
Put the brakes on this relationship until you sort it out..
Asking a liar and a cheat to be honest is about as pointless as titts on a fish...
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