Friend was very flirty, I gained feelings, got rejected, confused

[araya]

you made yourself trapped in a situation like this, you should've been bold to him about what's on your mind, what did you think about him and his excessive affection to you

Actually, I feel like it's pretty much my job to do this since I'm much less scared to be straightforward and admit things compared to him...

Should I say "Listen, we both love each other and care about each other. I'm not 100% sure about you but obviously I see you as more than a friend and you're aware of that fact. The thing is, I feel like at this point, we're using each other in some ways. I'm scared to say this to you because I don't want to lose your affection because I love it. Both of us want me to stop liking you and for me to continue liking you at the exact same time, for different reasons. I feel like on your part you like how I give you attention and support and I'm always willing to be there for you and you basically have control over me and you don't want to lose that. But at the same time, if you've truly never been attracted to me, it's unfair to me. You don't have to respond to this, I'm just gonna say what I think. Like I've said before, I started liking you because of how you treated me. It could be true that you're indeed straight but aside from the things you've done like hold my hand and kiss me and whatnot, you've said things that you know crossed the boundaries of a friendship. Friends don't say "I wish I could just be in your arms forever." Friends don't ask "why do we have so much sexual tension?" Friends don't constantly question another friend's sexuality and say "what if I was gay and in the closet? How would you react?" Friends don't say "sometimes I just want to love you" to other friends. Friends typically don't hold hands. Friends typically don't do the things you've said and done. So you have to understand why I feel this way.

But you have to do me and yourself a favor at this point. You have to be 100% honest to me and yourself and say what you want. If you've truly never been attracted to me ever, and you're 100% straight, tell me now. So that way I can, for the first time in a very long time, see you as just a friend. I'll act differently but if that's the truth, then that's what you want. If that's NOT the truth, you can tell me or air things out; you can say anything. I'm very understanding. But if you're not comfortable answering this question that's fine, as sexuality is a very sensitive topic.

But you seriously need to decide and also tell me the truth. So it's easier on me. If you're 100% straight and have never been attracted to me and just want to be platonic friends, then good, tell me, and we'll change things so we're both happier in the end. Because if you're straight I'm sure you don't truly want attention from a guy, and I don't want to be used for attention. If you're not 100% sure about your sexuality, tell me, and I'll be understanding and I'll also be willing to help you figure it out because I've been through that journey, or if you want I'll back off and let you figure it out yourself.

I'm sorry if I seem intrusive, but from your actions I've been so hurt and lost and our friendship has been spiraling downward as a result of both of our behavior towards each other.

But please. For the sake of this friendship, so that it's no longer toxic and there's complete communication and clarity, and we can finally have a consistently happy relationship, tell me the truth."

Something like this good?

YES, PLS SAY IT TO HIS FACE! you both are responsible for this, especially you, who always been so submissive, no more text crap and talk to him face to face

[ShiftyNJ]

Actually, I feel like it's pretty much my job to do this since I'm much less scared to be straightforward and admit things compared to him...

Should I say "Listen, we both love each other and care about each other. I'm not 100% sure about you but obviously I see you as more than a friend and you're aware of that fact. The thing is, I feel like at this point, we're using each other in some ways. I'm scared to say this to you because I don't want to lose your affection because I love it. Both of us want me to stop liking you and for me to continue liking you at the exact same time, for different reasons. I feel like on your part you like how I give you attention and support and I'm always willing to be there for you and you basically have control over me and you don't want to lose that. But at the same time, if you've truly never been attracted to me, it's unfair to me. You don't have to respond to this, I'm just gonna say what I think. Like I've said before, I started liking you because of how you treated me. It could be true that you're indeed straight but aside from the things you've done like hold my hand and kiss me and whatnot, you've said things that you know crossed the boundaries of a friendship. Friends don't say "I wish I could just be in your arms forever." Friends don't ask "why do we have so much sexual tension?" Friends don't constantly question another friend's sexuality and say "what if I was gay and in the closet? How would you react?" Friends don't say "sometimes I just want to love you" to other friends. Friends typically don't hold hands. Friends typically don't do the things you've said and done. So you have to understand why I feel this way.

But you have to do me and yourself a favor at this point. You have to be 100% honest to me and yourself and say what you want. If you've truly never been attracted to me ever, and you're 100% straight, tell me now. So that way I can, for the first time in a very long time, see you as just a friend. I'll act differently but if that's the truth, then that's what you want. If that's NOT the truth, you can tell me or air things out; you can say anything. I'm very understanding. But if you're not comfortable answering this question that's fine, as sexuality is a very sensitive topic.

But you seriously need to decide and also tell me the truth. So it's easier on me. If you're 100% straight and have never been attracted to me and just want to be platonic friends, then good, tell me, and we'll change things so we're both happier in the end. Because if you're straight I'm sure you don't truly want attention from a guy, and I don't want to be used for attention. If you're not 100% sure about your sexuality, tell me, and I'll be understanding and I'll also be willing to help you figure it out because I've been through that journey, or if you want I'll back off and let you figure it out yourself.

I'm sorry if I seem intrusive, but from your actions I've been so hurt and lost and our friendship has been spiraling downward as a result of both of our behavior towards each other.

But please. For the sake of this friendship, so that it's no longer toxic and there's complete communication and clarity, and we can finally have a consistently happy relationship, tell me the truth."

Something like this good?

Yeah, it is actually. The part in red, in particular, is brilliant. He needs to be aware that you are responding in a natural way to the cues he's given you: the physical affection, the what-if talk that suggests there could be something more... he's got some responsibility for where you are now. It is not a moony, one-sided schoolgirl crush on a totally inaccessible guy.

I would think about using "just friends" instead of just saying friends... you can't be successful in a relationship that is anything but purely physical unless you're friends too. And - as I stated in another thread - I am somewhat physical with my platonic guy friends. We hug hello and goodbye and I have even slept with my head on their chest or thigh. But we also both knew that's all it was. It's critical that you guys get on the same page because it's obviously hurting you and the friendship.

I agree, say it in person, but under good circumstances. Not at a party where others are wondering what's going on. He clearly tried to avoid that the last time and may say whatever he thinks you want to hear just to get out of the heavy moment. This is a conversation that should be had sober and alone.

[heythere999]

Yeah, it is actually. The part in red, in particular, is brilliant. He needs to be aware that you are responding in a natural way to the cues he's given you: the physical affection, the what-if talk that suggests there could be something more... he's got some responsibility for where you are now. It is not a moony, one-sided schoolgirl crush on a totally inaccessible guy.

I would think about using "just friends" instead of just saying friends... you can't be successful in a relationship that is anything but purely physical unless you're friends too. And - as I stated in another thread - I am somewhat physical with my platonic guy friends. We hug hello and goodbye and I have even slept with my head on their chest or thigh. But we also both knew that's all it was. It's critical that you guys get on the same page because it's obviously hurting you and the friendship.

I agree, say it in person, but under good circumstances. Not at a party where others are wondering what's going on. He clearly tried to avoid that the last time and may say whatever he thinks you want to hear just to get out of the heavy moment. This is a conversation that should be had sober and alone.

You make a good point. I'll add the "just" in there.

And yeah that's totally fine and platonic. I've never gotten a "platonic" vibe from him despite what he says to others or himself. I dunno.

But anything else I should add?

And no, no, our argument was not at a party. It was in front of his brother and one of our best friends, but it was at my house and there wasn't anything over 13 or so people. And we were sober.

[palbert]

If you guys are going to make a friendship work, you really need to not keep digging into this stuff at parties, in front of other people, and when you're drunk or otherwise compromised. ....

In the meantime, get your ass out and make some friends who are into dudes, so you will be in the same space as somebody who is actually capable of a real relationship with you. If you had an outlet for your romantic nature, you could look at his flirting a little more objectively.
....

Actually, I feel like it's pretty much my job to do this since I'm much less scared to be straightforward and admit things compared to him...

....

If you spent as much time straightening out the situation with this child as you do putting up walls of circular text and actually got out and sought a real relationship you'd be much better off. These walls of text are just delaying tactics.

[Lexington]

The problem with resolving the conflict is that it ends the soap opera. And some people don't want to see it end. I'm not sure if that's the case here, but it's a possibility.

Lex

[heythere999]

So I just found out I probably won't see him for another two weeks.

Should I just text him

[heythere999]

Nevermind. I told him "alright let me know" the other day, so I'm not going to seem desperate. Max I'll have to wait is 10 or so days which isn't that bad

[araya]

i know this isn't an easy one, you can't call this a simple problem
but the longer you let this happen, the more it's going to hurt
if I were you I won't be able to stay that long w/o a clear line, I mean it's ok to keep a platonic relationship as long as both parties think that way but if it's become so intense like this, you really need to draw a clear line so noone will get hurt
he can be confused with his so called orientation, but it's WRONG to toy with you like this just to make sure if he really can love a man or not, noone deserve this

[Rareboy]

I'm inclined to think that you enjoy the drama of a 'soap opera' or reality show relationship more than you value the actual friendship.

You can continue to play head games with one another or you can realize that endless 'convos' about how toxic your friendship is are sterile and corrosive.

He is playing games. You are playing games. You both apparently are literally playing computer games and it is probably the only thing that you should do together.

Your friend isn't ready to come out and I get the sense that when he does, you aren't going to be his romantic interest. But you also don't have to let him keep you on an emotional leash.

There are lots of other guys out there who are worth making friends with. Without all the high school drama. Get out there and find them.

[heythere999]

i know this isn't an easy one, you can't call this a simple problem
but the longer you let this happen, the more it's going to hurt
if I were you I won't be able to stay that long w/o a clear line, I mean it's ok to keep a platonic relationship as long as both parties think that way but if it's become so intense like this, you really need to draw a clear line so noone will get hurt
he can be confused with his so called orientation, but it's WRONG to toy with you like this just to make sure if he really can love a man or not, noone deserve this

But isn't it better to talk in person? I won't be able to see him in person until next Friday, but I mean, maybe this distance will be good? I don't think I should send what I wrote via text.