12-16-2014, 11:37 PM
Honestly guys, I'm not crazy, am I? Like honestly when I look back at everything there's no way straight people would act this way. And him "not knowing" or saying it "as a joke"... what straight guy hugs another guy and whispers "I wish I could just be in your arms forever"? Or says things like "why do you have a crush on me"? Or "why do we always have so much sexual tension"? Or the hand kisses and everything else he did? Always craving my attention?
He makes me feel like there's a possibility that it's all in my head... but I really don't think so. Especially since everyone else says or thinks otherwise (not just here).
The other day I came over to his house and he was being a little more touchy again. For example a song would play and he'd start tapping my shoulder, he'd give me random hugs, he'd stretch and yawn and then pull me to hug me, etc.
And then yesterday he was randomly cold towards me. He came to my house and I got him a chair and he said "thanks BROTHER" and then sat away from me. And then when we relocated and the only chair available was next to me, he looked around for like 10 seconds and then took the chair and sat next to other friends. I got pissed and he tried getting my attention back a little bit but I just remained annoyed.
At this point I've realized the problem isn't me at all, it's him. I've done everything I can. I've shown him that I care, and I put a lot of effort. And yet he still has the audacity to lie and deceive, and imply that everything is my fault.
This is what I want to send him:
"Dude, why do I get the feeling that our friendship is still shit? Why is it that no matter how much we talk and stuff that we still have this awkward tension? That it's still unstable? I'm gonna be honest and say I think this is just unfair at this point, to me.
Yeah I'm "difficult" and I know you mean it even though you say it in a joking manner. I know I am, but that's because I care, and way more than I should. I feel like you take what I say to heart sometimes still and I also think that you have some misconceptions about me as well, and I also think that you're holding things in. I can tell because you're colder most of the time and sometimes you show hostility. Which is stupid, because I've said a million times that you shouldn't take negative things I say to heart too much, that I'm honest with you because I care, and I don't hold things back and I tell you the truth. Honestly I have not witnessed anyone anywhere that has shown this much care towards a friend as much as I have towards you, ever. And you don't return jack shit to boot. You should be comfortable enough by now to say stuff on your mind but I feel like you aren't.
You're probably thinking everything about this friendship is my fault. And on a shallow level, it probably is. I'm the one with the mood swings and the one that randomly sends essays. But the more I think about it, the more I realize, it isn't. Who's the one who says everything on his mind, who puts the effort into actually fixing things, who's the one who is genuine 100% of the time... me. I put in so much effort into this friendship, way more than I should. And like I've said before the way I act with you is a product of how you treated me. You reap what you sow man have you heard of that expression? In the end I honestly can't put the blame on myself, especially now. I've shown how much I care and I've done my part. Every time I talk to you I hope we progress but we honestly... don't. Because if we did I wouldn't be doing this same "10-page essay" thing I've done a million times already in the past few months.
I'm not an idiot man I can tell you aren't being 100% genuine with me. You said trust is important. That you need to know that I have your back. I give you every reason to trust me. Yeah I've talked shit about you but you know 100% the reason why and I've been honest about it. Other than that I've opened up to you so much and I've communicated with you and I've shown you and told you I only do the things that I do because I care so much. Meaning that if you treat me right I will be the most trustworthy person on this goddamn planet. You? Well for one I knew before we got close that you're known for being a liar but you can't bring up the "judgmental" card because clearly I gave you a chance (and also (former friend), whom I heard nothing but terrible things about before I met him). And now that I've given the chance, honestly how do you expect me to believe the things you say when you can't even admit to things like knowing that (close girl friend in group) liked you when you hooked up? You can't even tell the truth when you're supposedly opening up to me. Instead you have to make up lies like with the (store) thing I keep bringing up where you said "I was thinking strictly in (organization's) terms I swear." Come on man have a little more respect for me. When I'm practically begging you to be honest with me I think I deserve honesty. I'm not a moron. We both know that is complete bullshit. I don't get what is so hard to admit. There's no possibility other than you feeling that you had power over me and you wanted to take advantage of it. When the truth is painfully obvious I'll respect you more and trust your words more if you just own up to it rather than coming up with a lie that not even a 4-year-old would believe.
And speaking of respect, can you please stop bringing up (girl he liked) to me? If you claim the way I feel about you is not a problem, then this is something that has to be compromised. It was enough choosing ME to be your messenger out of every possible candidate, but now you have to make a "joke" out of it or constantly bring it up? Either you're trying to get a reaction out of me or you're really bad at noticing when I get annoyed. When have I ever laughed or shown a semblance of joy when you mention (girl he liked) for you to keep bringing her up and saying the same goddamn shit is beyond me. And also please stop asking me if it's "alright with you" if you hang out with a girl, or if a girl will "go for a guy like me," you've done this like 4 times and I'm convinced you say it to get an ego boost.
And to be honest I have absolutely no clue why you claim I'm judgmental towards you. Or towards people in general. Like you've pointed out I know you so well, I know so much about you, you've hurt me so much and you continue to do so, and I still choose to stick around. I don't "judge" your character. If I was a judgmental asshole like you think I am, I would have dropped you months ago knowing everything. Hell I wouldn't have even given you the chance to be friends with you. And I know you think I am a judgmental asshole because when I say something slightly harsh to anyone or if I correct someone you get very defensive. Like when (close friend) told us that he had a 63% in his History class and I said "come on (close friend)" and you attacked me for that comment... I said that because I care about (close friend) and I want him to succeed in life. I don't want him to be happy with a low D. I want him to get somewhere that's why when I'm with him I tend to bring up school and when he's with me at (school) or that one time at my house I made him study and only study because I care. Not that I'm some asshole prick that thinks he's better than everyone else like you think I am. You may think that my judging is too "harsh," but I've shown multiple times now how that's simply not true. I judge, just like every other human being, but the fact that I give people chances despite what I hear or think before I know them well showcases that me judging "too harshly" is practically irrelevant or just flat-out not the case. For example, I dislike (former friend) not only because of the way he acted but because he tried to intentionally pit people against me. I think that is more than good enough of a reason to dislike someone.
And you've told me before that I don't appreciate you but that's total crap man and you know it. I feel like an idiot, you're the one that doesn't appreciate me. If you did anything you've done to me to anyone else they would have erased you from their lives months ago. I still willingly put up with all this. I actually show that I care about you and I want you to grow and live up to your potential. Sometimes I feel like the things I say go in one ear and out the other. When you thought I look down on you... Come on, really? How could you even think that, considering what you know? Yeah, I'm disappointed but that doesn't mean I look down on you; not at all.
And another thing I've noticed about you is that you screw up, and you just say that you didn't "mean to." Like again with (close girl friend in group), hooking up with her, high fiving the guys and then saying shit like "I did her a favor," and then claiming that you "didn't mean to"... Or throwing the lit stogs and saying you "didn't mean to"... Or acting the way you did and saying you "didn't mean to"... Dude how does that make it any better? Or make you look better? Or show me that you care for and have respect for the people that you're close to? Even if you didn't really "mean to" like you claimed, how does that make it better, the stuff that you do? If that's really the truth, you need to start taking responsibility for your actions and realize that the things you do can have major consequences even if you didn't "mean to." And this is why I sometimes associate the "lying to themselves" thing towards you. Sometimes I feel like you lie to yourself to make yourself feel better and not face the truth and you don't want to take responsibility for your actions. That, or, you are completely unaware of the consequences of your actions and that doesn't make it okay.
And you probably think lying is a good way to avoid bad situations but it actually stings you in the ass in the long run. Because look at the result here. I'll be honest here and say we had (well to me at least) an amazing friendship minus some bumps here and there but now it's completely fucked up and not just because of what I admitted. And it really depresses me how it can get to this. Shows that the perception I had of you was all wrong.
You claimed you got insulted when I said you don't respect me... Why would you feel insulted when I am simply pointing out to you that you consistently showcased obviously disrespectful behavior? Sure you had a reason behind it but it doesn't change the fact that it's disrespectful. It's the same thing here. You will probably feel insulted by everything I said but I am actually doing the right thing by telling you the truth and what's on my mind, and secondly, when you've hurt me so goddamn much and when you continue to lie and deceive and not put in effort man, what the hell do you expect. Everything I say makes sense. Every action I make, makes sense. I can't say the same for you. You claim I'm the one being difficult but in reality, from the core, the difficult one here is you."
Tonight or something
He makes me feel like there's a possibility that it's all in my head... but I really don't think so. Especially since everyone else says or thinks otherwise (not just here).
The other day I came over to his house and he was being a little more touchy again. For example a song would play and he'd start tapping my shoulder, he'd give me random hugs, he'd stretch and yawn and then pull me to hug me, etc.
And then yesterday he was randomly cold towards me. He came to my house and I got him a chair and he said "thanks BROTHER" and then sat away from me. And then when we relocated and the only chair available was next to me, he looked around for like 10 seconds and then took the chair and sat next to other friends. I got pissed and he tried getting my attention back a little bit but I just remained annoyed.
At this point I've realized the problem isn't me at all, it's him. I've done everything I can. I've shown him that I care, and I put a lot of effort. And yet he still has the audacity to lie and deceive, and imply that everything is my fault.
This is what I want to send him:
"Dude, why do I get the feeling that our friendship is still shit? Why is it that no matter how much we talk and stuff that we still have this awkward tension? That it's still unstable? I'm gonna be honest and say I think this is just unfair at this point, to me.
Yeah I'm "difficult" and I know you mean it even though you say it in a joking manner. I know I am, but that's because I care, and way more than I should. I feel like you take what I say to heart sometimes still and I also think that you have some misconceptions about me as well, and I also think that you're holding things in. I can tell because you're colder most of the time and sometimes you show hostility. Which is stupid, because I've said a million times that you shouldn't take negative things I say to heart too much, that I'm honest with you because I care, and I don't hold things back and I tell you the truth. Honestly I have not witnessed anyone anywhere that has shown this much care towards a friend as much as I have towards you, ever. And you don't return jack shit to boot. You should be comfortable enough by now to say stuff on your mind but I feel like you aren't.
You're probably thinking everything about this friendship is my fault. And on a shallow level, it probably is. I'm the one with the mood swings and the one that randomly sends essays. But the more I think about it, the more I realize, it isn't. Who's the one who says everything on his mind, who puts the effort into actually fixing things, who's the one who is genuine 100% of the time... me. I put in so much effort into this friendship, way more than I should. And like I've said before the way I act with you is a product of how you treated me. You reap what you sow man have you heard of that expression? In the end I honestly can't put the blame on myself, especially now. I've shown how much I care and I've done my part. Every time I talk to you I hope we progress but we honestly... don't. Because if we did I wouldn't be doing this same "10-page essay" thing I've done a million times already in the past few months.
I'm not an idiot man I can tell you aren't being 100% genuine with me. You said trust is important. That you need to know that I have your back. I give you every reason to trust me. Yeah I've talked shit about you but you know 100% the reason why and I've been honest about it. Other than that I've opened up to you so much and I've communicated with you and I've shown you and told you I only do the things that I do because I care so much. Meaning that if you treat me right I will be the most trustworthy person on this goddamn planet. You? Well for one I knew before we got close that you're known for being a liar but you can't bring up the "judgmental" card because clearly I gave you a chance (and also (former friend), whom I heard nothing but terrible things about before I met him). And now that I've given the chance, honestly how do you expect me to believe the things you say when you can't even admit to things like knowing that (close girl friend in group) liked you when you hooked up? You can't even tell the truth when you're supposedly opening up to me. Instead you have to make up lies like with the (store) thing I keep bringing up where you said "I was thinking strictly in (organization's) terms I swear." Come on man have a little more respect for me. When I'm practically begging you to be honest with me I think I deserve honesty. I'm not a moron. We both know that is complete bullshit. I don't get what is so hard to admit. There's no possibility other than you feeling that you had power over me and you wanted to take advantage of it. When the truth is painfully obvious I'll respect you more and trust your words more if you just own up to it rather than coming up with a lie that not even a 4-year-old would believe.
And speaking of respect, can you please stop bringing up (girl he liked) to me? If you claim the way I feel about you is not a problem, then this is something that has to be compromised. It was enough choosing ME to be your messenger out of every possible candidate, but now you have to make a "joke" out of it or constantly bring it up? Either you're trying to get a reaction out of me or you're really bad at noticing when I get annoyed. When have I ever laughed or shown a semblance of joy when you mention (girl he liked) for you to keep bringing her up and saying the same goddamn shit is beyond me. And also please stop asking me if it's "alright with you" if you hang out with a girl, or if a girl will "go for a guy like me," you've done this like 4 times and I'm convinced you say it to get an ego boost.
And to be honest I have absolutely no clue why you claim I'm judgmental towards you. Or towards people in general. Like you've pointed out I know you so well, I know so much about you, you've hurt me so much and you continue to do so, and I still choose to stick around. I don't "judge" your character. If I was a judgmental asshole like you think I am, I would have dropped you months ago knowing everything. Hell I wouldn't have even given you the chance to be friends with you. And I know you think I am a judgmental asshole because when I say something slightly harsh to anyone or if I correct someone you get very defensive. Like when (close friend) told us that he had a 63% in his History class and I said "come on (close friend)" and you attacked me for that comment... I said that because I care about (close friend) and I want him to succeed in life. I don't want him to be happy with a low D. I want him to get somewhere that's why when I'm with him I tend to bring up school and when he's with me at (school) or that one time at my house I made him study and only study because I care. Not that I'm some asshole prick that thinks he's better than everyone else like you think I am. You may think that my judging is too "harsh," but I've shown multiple times now how that's simply not true. I judge, just like every other human being, but the fact that I give people chances despite what I hear or think before I know them well showcases that me judging "too harshly" is practically irrelevant or just flat-out not the case. For example, I dislike (former friend) not only because of the way he acted but because he tried to intentionally pit people against me. I think that is more than good enough of a reason to dislike someone.
And you've told me before that I don't appreciate you but that's total crap man and you know it. I feel like an idiot, you're the one that doesn't appreciate me. If you did anything you've done to me to anyone else they would have erased you from their lives months ago. I still willingly put up with all this. I actually show that I care about you and I want you to grow and live up to your potential. Sometimes I feel like the things I say go in one ear and out the other. When you thought I look down on you... Come on, really? How could you even think that, considering what you know? Yeah, I'm disappointed but that doesn't mean I look down on you; not at all.
And another thing I've noticed about you is that you screw up, and you just say that you didn't "mean to." Like again with (close girl friend in group), hooking up with her, high fiving the guys and then saying shit like "I did her a favor," and then claiming that you "didn't mean to"... Or throwing the lit stogs and saying you "didn't mean to"... Or acting the way you did and saying you "didn't mean to"... Dude how does that make it any better? Or make you look better? Or show me that you care for and have respect for the people that you're close to? Even if you didn't really "mean to" like you claimed, how does that make it better, the stuff that you do? If that's really the truth, you need to start taking responsibility for your actions and realize that the things you do can have major consequences even if you didn't "mean to." And this is why I sometimes associate the "lying to themselves" thing towards you. Sometimes I feel like you lie to yourself to make yourself feel better and not face the truth and you don't want to take responsibility for your actions. That, or, you are completely unaware of the consequences of your actions and that doesn't make it okay.
And you probably think lying is a good way to avoid bad situations but it actually stings you in the ass in the long run. Because look at the result here. I'll be honest here and say we had (well to me at least) an amazing friendship minus some bumps here and there but now it's completely fucked up and not just because of what I admitted. And it really depresses me how it can get to this. Shows that the perception I had of you was all wrong.
You claimed you got insulted when I said you don't respect me... Why would you feel insulted when I am simply pointing out to you that you consistently showcased obviously disrespectful behavior? Sure you had a reason behind it but it doesn't change the fact that it's disrespectful. It's the same thing here. You will probably feel insulted by everything I said but I am actually doing the right thing by telling you the truth and what's on my mind, and secondly, when you've hurt me so goddamn much and when you continue to lie and deceive and not put in effort man, what the hell do you expect. Everything I say makes sense. Every action I make, makes sense. I can't say the same for you. You claim I'm the one being difficult but in reality, from the core, the difficult one here is you."
Tonight or something