Broken & Confused
12-03-2014, 07:30 PM
Hello,
This is my first post and I decided to post because I really need some advice on my relationship from a non bias point of view. I don't like to put myself out there but I don't know what else to do at his point. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years in May. We moved in together last year. I thought from the beginning that I never had been with anyone who treated me so well and showed me how much he loved me. We were very happy and secure with our relationship. At some point we decided to have some threesomes. Both of us had a very good understanding of "just fun" and nothing more and that's all it ever was. It kept things fun and neither of us ever had a problem with it. Later on down the line we decided to try an "open" thing just once and try doing things alone with other guys. We each only did it once with the same guy some and I did it with another good friend couple of ours (he was supposed to as well but it never worked out). Anyway, All through out our relationship I would ask him if he'd ever gone on grindr without me knowing or talked to guys I didn't know or anything like that. He would always tell me straight to my face no no no. He was ALWAYS very possessive over his phone and hated whenever I would look at it while he was on it or whatever. He also has a very hard time with communicating his feelings. At times I suggested that we try grindr or something like that just to cruise for pix or for whatever may happen both with the consent of the other. He always shot that down very fast. Well one night I went through his phone. I know it's awful and I hate breaking the trust and privacy but honestly I don't feel like he deserved it anyway now. Anyway I found grindr. And found he'd been talking to guys for quite a while no evidence of actual cheating though. Ok fine. I confronted him and he of course was upset I apologized for breaking his trust and we came to an agreement that he'd stop doing it and that I believed him that no hookups. Well yes I did it again and found it again a few weeks later. He said he was downloading it and talking to guys to get a chat history to test me to see if I'd go through his phone again. Ok fine I let that go since again no hookups and I had the "test" coming if that's what it was. Well at this point MY trust is obviously broken and I've broken his privacy. I did it again and his time found worse than before. I went through his email and found he'd been talking to guys on Craigslist for pretty much our entire relationship. I found evidence of 1 hookup only oral and only him recieving. But I didn't go through all the messages there were too many. I confronted him again. This hookup was before the very first incident of me going through his phone. He had the chance to come clean and didn't. He also had the chance to come clan about craigslist cruising for pics and didn't and also continued to do it after the first conversation. So of course after I confronted him he agreed to never go on Craigslist again and that it was only the one time. And that we'd work on our trust issues and try to get through it. I asked him I'd there was anything else he needed to tell me and of course, no. Well after that he decides to come clean about using his coworkers sex toy at work. He tells me that the guy brought it to try that he used it without telling the guy he used it and hen gave it back. The guy left a load in it and my bf thought he caught something so of course had to tell me (didn't catch anything). But that's the only reason he told me about it. Look, I'm very open and I can't post in here al the details of our entire relationship. But we do love each other and we have sexual needs agreements and understandings. My problem is that I've been lied straight to my face, I've been told not to do things he was directly doing behind my back and I honestly right now do not believe he's told me everything and do not believe he won't go back onto some sites and then I worry about something physical happening. Most of me doesn't care about the actual acts. But the broken lies and trust (on both our parts I know) is what hurts me the most and makes me the most confused. How do I know I cna believe him and how do I know he'll talk to me in the future before he does anything even just exchanges pics before he actually does it. Or will he just hide it better especially since now he knows what I'm looking for. He's agreed to give me his phone anytime I ask to look for past history. But I don't want to do that and I don't want to feel like I have to do that. Part of me wonders if it would even help because how do I knownhe didn't just hide the evidence better this time. So far I think he's stopped he did tell me he felt the urge to go on again and cruise but didn't. I have days where I feel like everything is fine and days like today where I am paranoid about everything and questioning our relationship. I really don't know what to do at this point and don't know if I can rebuild the trust in him or myself yet. This is all still very fresh and in the beginning stages. I really appreciate all helpful advice and experiences. To those of you who do not understand my relationship or plan on leaving some snarky comment to troll, please try to stop yourself. I'm only looking for helpful advice not somehing to make me feel more down on myself. Thanks in advance.
This is my first post and I decided to post because I really need some advice on my relationship from a non bias point of view. I don't like to put myself out there but I don't know what else to do at his point. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years in May. We moved in together last year. I thought from the beginning that I never had been with anyone who treated me so well and showed me how much he loved me. We were very happy and secure with our relationship. At some point we decided to have some threesomes. Both of us had a very good understanding of "just fun" and nothing more and that's all it ever was. It kept things fun and neither of us ever had a problem with it. Later on down the line we decided to try an "open" thing just once and try doing things alone with other guys. We each only did it once with the same guy some and I did it with another good friend couple of ours (he was supposed to as well but it never worked out). Anyway, All through out our relationship I would ask him if he'd ever gone on grindr without me knowing or talked to guys I didn't know or anything like that. He would always tell me straight to my face no no no. He was ALWAYS very possessive over his phone and hated whenever I would look at it while he was on it or whatever. He also has a very hard time with communicating his feelings. At times I suggested that we try grindr or something like that just to cruise for pix or for whatever may happen both with the consent of the other. He always shot that down very fast. Well one night I went through his phone. I know it's awful and I hate breaking the trust and privacy but honestly I don't feel like he deserved it anyway now. Anyway I found grindr. And found he'd been talking to guys for quite a while no evidence of actual cheating though. Ok fine. I confronted him and he of course was upset I apologized for breaking his trust and we came to an agreement that he'd stop doing it and that I believed him that no hookups. Well yes I did it again and found it again a few weeks later. He said he was downloading it and talking to guys to get a chat history to test me to see if I'd go through his phone again. Ok fine I let that go since again no hookups and I had the "test" coming if that's what it was. Well at this point MY trust is obviously broken and I've broken his privacy. I did it again and his time found worse than before. I went through his email and found he'd been talking to guys on Craigslist for pretty much our entire relationship. I found evidence of 1 hookup only oral and only him recieving. But I didn't go through all the messages there were too many. I confronted him again. This hookup was before the very first incident of me going through his phone. He had the chance to come clean and didn't. He also had the chance to come clan about craigslist cruising for pics and didn't and also continued to do it after the first conversation. So of course after I confronted him he agreed to never go on Craigslist again and that it was only the one time. And that we'd work on our trust issues and try to get through it. I asked him I'd there was anything else he needed to tell me and of course, no. Well after that he decides to come clean about using his coworkers sex toy at work. He tells me that the guy brought it to try that he used it without telling the guy he used it and hen gave it back. The guy left a load in it and my bf thought he caught something so of course had to tell me (didn't catch anything). But that's the only reason he told me about it. Look, I'm very open and I can't post in here al the details of our entire relationship. But we do love each other and we have sexual needs agreements and understandings. My problem is that I've been lied straight to my face, I've been told not to do things he was directly doing behind my back and I honestly right now do not believe he's told me everything and do not believe he won't go back onto some sites and then I worry about something physical happening. Most of me doesn't care about the actual acts. But the broken lies and trust (on both our parts I know) is what hurts me the most and makes me the most confused. How do I know I cna believe him and how do I know he'll talk to me in the future before he does anything even just exchanges pics before he actually does it. Or will he just hide it better especially since now he knows what I'm looking for. He's agreed to give me his phone anytime I ask to look for past history. But I don't want to do that and I don't want to feel like I have to do that. Part of me wonders if it would even help because how do I knownhe didn't just hide the evidence better this time. So far I think he's stopped he did tell me he felt the urge to go on again and cruise but didn't. I have days where I feel like everything is fine and days like today where I am paranoid about everything and questioning our relationship. I really don't know what to do at this point and don't know if I can rebuild the trust in him or myself yet. This is all still very fresh and in the beginning stages. I really appreciate all helpful advice and experiences. To those of you who do not understand my relationship or plan on leaving some snarky comment to troll, please try to stop yourself. I'm only looking for helpful advice not somehing to make me feel more down on myself. Thanks in advance.
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Sagittarius
