Please Please gimme some advice..im going mad!

[babyboy]

Hi, Ok first of all I would just like to say im new to this. I have never written or done anything like this before, but i need to talk to someone because theres no-one i can talk 2! I have known all my life that I am gay but have never done anything with another guy but one drunken night and that was it! Im not out at all and NO-ONE suspects a thing because I act very straight. Not to blow my own trumpet but alot of people consider me very good looking, people are always saying i should go into modeling etc (only reason why im telling you this is because this makes people think i must be str8!)- family & friends they think im a player because ive never had a gfriend etc aswel. Anyway im 24 now and to be honest i have never felt like ive missed out on anything but i do get lonley etc and would never go out looking for guys etc as id be too scared!

Anyway here goes my problem, theres this guy at work whose friends with a friend of mine. And for the first time in my WHOLE life ive felt like this for someone! i cannot stop thinking about this man, hes gorgeous, so kind and lovley. hes older than me...but at work i just sit there starring at his every move. I have never had a conversation with him just hello now and again...anyway recently ive gone mad over him...i think about him all day at work, at home, when im about to go sleep! think about us being togother and how happy i would make him - i always get told im the funniest guy out the bunch and always up for a laugh and for once in my life i feel like hes someone who could make me happy as well and i barley know him! When hes around me my heart goes mad, i panic and i think...im in love stupid as it sounds! i dont know what love feels like but never have i felt like this before! Anyway few days ago me and friend went to the pub and he asked for this guy to come as well, i was soo nevous but at the same time so excited and wanted him to have a chance of getting to know me!

He came and we had such a good time, but then he made a comment on gays! which instantly hurt, then he made a few more jokes about gays and this made me feel like crap! but the worst was to come...he then started talking about how he had broken up with his ex who he had been with for years! I felt heartbroken, i knew deep down i knw he wasnt gay but to hear it made it so much worse - anyway like i said we had a great time and then he went. The next day i woke up feeling like so horrible and to the point of even crying - again stupid i know...but i aint seen him since that day but he text my mate and said i was a great guy etc which made me feel good but not good enough. I feel like im never gunna find anyone, and end up getting married to a girl and ruin her life as well...i cant stop thinking about this guy either...please help me...

P.S. Sorry for the essay! Needed to get it all off my chest!!

[fredv3b]

You definitely needed to get that off your chest!

Where to begin? First welcome to Gay Speak, I'm new myself here but everyone has been really friendly. Second, ITS OK! We've all felt like that, we've all felt trapped in the closet, we've all crushed on straight guys and, you know what, we've survived, you will too. So just take a deep breath, maybe make yourself a cup of tea.

Now for a few more thoughts. This guy broke your heart, he had no idea he was doing it when he cracked those jokes, but he still obliterated your hopes and dreams. It sucks and its going to hurt. He's straight and there's nothing you can do other than move on, easier said than done I know.

It seems to me you are doing on of my favourite activities: worst case scenario gazing. So lets take this apart piece by piece. No one can make you marry a girl, you're right it may ruin her life too, its a free country you can always say no and if you needed to you could make up a reason why.

You're right you do need someone to talk to, ideally a real person in your life, but if not then the internet will do. (That's what I had to do a couple of years back, on another forum.) Think about your friends maybe there is someone you could talk to? Do you know any gay people? Are there any gays at work you could get friendly with? No need to go looking for a potential boyfriend at the moment, just some new friends you can be yourself with, who know what its like.

Above all please remember despite how it may seem at the moment you are not alone, there are lots of other guys in your position.

[sparky71]

God I can so relate to what youv'e just said. Iv'e had more crushes on straight guys than ive had cooked dinners. And I certainly know how adictive and destructive it can be. Theres somthing about the challenge of them being unavialble and of course the thrill of the chase. It sounds like you have an infatuation with this guy a kinda distant admiration. All I can say without psychoanalyzing this is that time heals. You will move on and find someone new and someone who is more importantly available to you. All the best with this.

[marshlander]

Hi Babyboy and welcome to GS.

Fred may be new here, but he's certainly made an impression with some well-informed and helpful posts and this one is no exception.

I wonder if you are as much of a secret as you think? I know plenty of men who believe they give off straight vibes, but other people often perceive them quite differently

If you've been smitten with feelings for this man it is unlikely that you will have been able to disguise them completely. His comments may have been a bit of self-preservation on his part and an attempt at being kind to you. Far better for you to be told in no uncertain terms at this stage of things than for you to feel later that he was stringing you along.

I agree with Fred that you could do with a gay mate or two. With some well-connected friends you would soon be pulled into a social circle. It's a pity you're not in London, otherwise I'm sure that BiPenny would introduce you to everyone

Without the aid of the fabulous BiPenny, you may have to do a little leg work yourself. Have you come across Breakout in Nottingham? They appear to be a social group for gay and bi men with a range of activities planned. Have a look at Breakout in Nottingham
You may find something there to interest you.

The emotional response to a crush can be devastating and very disruptive. As Fred said, we've all been there :redface: and most of us have survived mile: The good news is you can have him all to yourself in those private fantasy moments before you drop off to sleep at night, but in real life, you know you will have to let him go. He can't be what you want and you have the good sense to realise this.

Best wishes to you, Babyboy and I hope it stops hurting soon. I'm sure there are people on here willing to discuss any further points you want to raise, but another way of looking at this is to accept that you now know you are capable of having an emotional response like this to another human being. That has got to be a good thing. All you need now is to stumble across one who is capable of loving you too.

I hope you weren't being serious about marrying a woman. Some of us here have been down this road and it does not lead to happiness.

[zeon]

Hello and welcome to the forum,
On advice i will be splitting your bits down and commenting on each individual one..

Hi, Ok first of all I would just like to say im new to this. I have never written or done anything like this before, but i need to talk to someone because theres no-one i can talk 2! I have known all my life that I am gay but have never done anything with another guy but one drunken night and that was it! Im not out at all and NO-ONE suspects a thing because I act very straight. Not to blow my own trumpet but alot of people consider me very good looking, people are always saying i should go into modeling etc (only reason why im telling you this is because this makes people think i must be str8!)- family & friends they think im a player because ive never had a gfriend etc aswel. Anyway im 24 now and to be honest i have never felt like ive missed out on anything but i do get lonley etc and would never go out looking for guys etc as id be too scared!

Right on this one i would advise maybe coming out to the family and people around yourself... Your find out your closest allies are and whatnot in the family.. Coming out however is hard but it makes it easier when it comes to boyfriends etc.. The problem in this paragraph is that your wanting to be free from this prison your keeping yourself in.. Living a lie is hard but some come out earlier than others...

Anyway here goes my problem, theres this guy at work whose friends with a friend of mine. And for the first time in my WHOLE life ive felt like this for someone! i cannot stop thinking about this man, hes gorgeous, so kind and lovley. hes older than me...but at work i just sit there starring at his every move. I have never had a conversation with him just hello now and again...anyway recently ive gone mad over him...i think about him all day at work, at home, when im about to go sleep! think about us being togother and how happy i would make him - i always get told im the funniest guy out the bunch and always up for a laugh and for once in my life i feel like hes someone who could make me happy as well and i barley know him! When hes around me my heart goes mad, i panic and i think...im in love stupid as it sounds! i dont know what love feels like but never have i felt like this before! Anyway few days ago me and friend went to the pub and he asked for this guy to come as well, i was soo nevous but at the same time so excited and wanted him to have a chance of getting to know me! He came and we had such a good time, but then he made a comment on gays! which instantly hurt, then he made a few more jokes about gays and this made me feel like crap! but the worst was to come...he then started talking about how he had broken up with his ex who he had been with for years! I felt heartbroken, i knew deep down i knw he wasnt gay but to hear it made it so much worse - anyway like i said we had a great time and then he went. The next day i woke up feeling like so horrible and to the point of even crying - again stupid i know...but i aint seen him since that day but he text my mate and said i was a great guy etc which made me feel good but not good enough. I feel like im never gunna find anyone, and end up getting married to a girl and ruin her life as well...i cant stop thinking about this guy either...please help me...

The problem with this guy is that his insecure about his own self esteem. I would however recommend not getting too envoled in him UNLESS you can convert your love to friendship love.. If your heart tells you that a woman isnt right and you are really unsure about yourself then may i consider you book yourself in for a weeks break or weekend break in BRIGHTON where i live because here you can be yourself walk down the street holding another fellas hand.. My boyfriend came from leicester and moved to Brighton so he could be himself.. The only way your find happyness in yourself is if you accept who you are and learn to love yaself.. If you imagen yourself as four quarters three quarters are green and one is red... The one that is red is sounding like its almost as strong as the three green...
P.S. Sorry for the essay! Needed to get it all off my chest!!

Never apologize for problems needing solving we are a understanding cool community and best of luck

kindest regards

zeon x

[BiPenny]

Why thank you for the recommendation Marshlander, shame my rent-a-hag business didn't take off, would have saved me a few PMs!!

I actually have a 'friend' in Nottingham (He's at the uni there) who I might be able to put you in touch with - let me see what I can do. He's a bit of a character but definately gay friendly (very friendly sometimes ) and might help you meet some more people - albeit probably a little younger than you.

What are your reasons (if you don't mind me asking) for not wanting to come out? I'm certainly not criticising (sp) as I am not out to my family/friends up north, just to help me understand as obviously being out would help to present you with further opportunities to meet other men who are gay and available.

Remember the golden rule with guys and girls is the more unnavailable they are the more you want them!!

Failing all else get down to London and I'll take you to meet EVERYONE!!!!!!

Edited to add you are a capricorn, as am I, which I am told means, if you believe such a thing, that if we fall for someone we fall head over heels and think they are the love of our life immediately, we want them and only them sooooo much!!

[fredv3b]

Since both Zeon and BiPenny have brought up the subject of coming out I thought I'd jot down a couple of thoughts.

The first is that you do not have to be out to everybody, especially not initially. However you obviously have to be confident that those you are out to can keep a secret or just plain don't know your other friends, family, etc.

The second is that the first one is always the hardest, so if possible choose someone you can trust to be cool and supportive about it, it makes all the others a lot easier.

Oh and the third is take your time, if you need to, you don't have to come out until your ready to. However life is a lot easier and more enjoyable when you have come out.

P.S. Marshlander you really are too kind in your comments.

[XRIMO]

Hello babyboy!

While there's not much I can add that hasn't already been said by the other, well thought responses, I will say one thing, you have come to the right place.

The nice thing about this site is that you can ask for any advice and many members here are more than willing to help you find a solution. Plus we like to have fun too. So if you continue to have problems, stick around and I'm sure we all try to make you feel that being gay isn't a prison, but a world of possibility.

[luke500]

i have a crush on a guy at school, problem is im not sure if he is gay or not, he seems to be, hes quite good looking, never had a gf and most importantly one of my best mates... His borther is gay and well... ive never heard of a family with two gay brothers in it... why do u always pick the ones you cant have? :confused:

[Phil]

why do u always pick the ones you cant have? :confused:

Aint it summit along the lines of "forbidden fruit" syndrome! :biggrin: we all want what we cant have...