marriage issues

[Darius]

Do your sex partners all know about your status? Sorry if you mentioned it and I didn't read carefully enough.

[abritabroad]

yes darius

[abritabroad]

well on my part i am only having sex with condoms outside the relationship
the masseur and the other guys my partner had unsafe sex with are all positive

[MikeW]

...if he were to continue that I see that i only have 2 choices.. to leave him or to stay in a companion relationship without sex...

First, welcome to the forum

I think you've pretty much answered your own question there, right?

Regardless of your HIV status, you have every right to demand that your health needs be respected by your husband and partner. That he's been repeatedly dishonest about his sexual activities has destroyed your ability to trust his word, not to mention potentially jeopordizing your health.

The complication is that you have feelings for him coupled with the fact you've been in the relationship for almost a decade. So, I agree with your observation quoted above, you have two choices. Have you told him you're seriously entertaining these choices?

I think the questions I'd be asking myself is "what do I want from this relationship?" and "what can I realistically *expect* from this relationship?" Because, there's nothing in what you've written that indicates your partner's behavior is going to change -- or that you could trust his words even if he said it *was* going to change.

[jimcrackcorn]

Good grief,,,,

Your both HIV+ and in an open relationship.... You should both be practicing "safe sex" even when you engage in sex with each other.... Being in an Open Relationship automatically increases your odds of catching an STD because your having sex with other people who you can't count on to be STD free themselves........

You should know the drill by now. Be safe at home too....

Respectfully,
Jim

[abritabroad]

hi Jim
well you are entitled to your opinion and i did ask for other peoples, but i think some might agree that your views on what i should and should not engage in are perhaps a little idealistic for my situation but congratulations on living the monogamous dream yourself. i respect that if it works for you.
I think the point here is that nobody is perfect and theoretically that if my partner and i are both hiv positive and taking precautions outside the relationship that there is no risk for anyone either between us or outside the relationship..
The issues to me are around trust and honesty and openness.

[abritabroad]

.thanks everyone for the comments so far

[Bricg1970]

I understand you since my ex had the same problem in a previous relationship, he used to say that the 80% of his relationship with this guy was perfect but that 20% of having sex with anybody killed it. As I read in another post its respect toward you and your relationship and more important about your health, try to have an open conversation about this and boundaries of your open relationship and how much do you too want to compromise and then decide or at least know better where you stand, I know it is difficult

[abritabroad]

thank you BricG. its a tough one.. Hving invested 9 years of my life with someone and our life together is generally very good if we could only sort out the other side of things..
I think the best part is as painful as it is its out in the open now which gives us a chance to fix it.
He is a really decent guy and i think this is not a mean spirited thing just lack of control at the spur of the moment and inability to communicate it through fear.
As i said.. i make mistakes but i am motivated to fix them..
Its difficult for me to understand and i,m going through wanting to work it out to being really pissed off with him and wondering what the hell am i doing staying in this relationship..
there is alot to consider but, ironic as it sounds we do have a genuinely good companionship and alot of similar interests..
its so difficult to navigate and redefine a relationship at this point though..
i think that 99 percent of people that know us would be shocked if they heard of his stupidity and indiscretions as it is so out of character for him..

[abritabroad]

he is not being stubborn about wanting to have unsafe sex.. its not his intention but he obviously has an inability for whatever reason to make rational judgements in some situations which i find really frightening and have no idea how to address or to know that i can trust him on this issue again.
In our counsellor appointment tomorrow i intend to be really clear that if this happens again i am not sticking around and i mean it.