Bad issues in the relationship

[East]

Major Red Flags....

I've basically ruined his life

I feel like I'm worthless

It's really unlikely that we'll get back together and I know that, but I dont wanna give up

the start of our relationship was perfect, we were both really happy and it was like a dream come true, we always spent a lot of time with each other (online, of course).

...and then....there is THIS....

This went so far that he even tried to kill himself, more than once. That's just so horrible, he did it because of me.

Did you ever actually meet this person face to face?

If not...count your blessings....you dodged a bullet...

...you need to go to a therapist as soon as possible....print out what you wrote here...He/She will know what to do...

[Luca]

Thanks for replying, I'm thinking about it, everything went so bad. I haven't met him, but we called on Skype and stuff like that, we still talk. He's the one who wanted me to make this thread, he wanted to help me, even though we aren't even friends, basically. We just talk to each other about random stuff.

And yeah, maybe i should go to a therapist, after thinking about all I've done to him...

[Bricg1970]

As twisttheleaf said BORDERLINE if that is the case, be careful and stay away, this is very SERIOUS, does he take medication? , you need to learn how to finish this, it will never get better, it will drain you and your confidence, as much you do never will be enough and you will always have the fault. It's not your fault, protect yourself, from what you wrote be careful

[MikeW]

Yeah, this is so totally f'd up I don't know where to begin. For one thing, I'd argue that two people who've never met in the flesh who are hanging out on line together for months do not have a REAL relationship. Yeah, they can maybe be something sort of important to one another and can maybe cam/jo together or w/e you guys do… but this is NOT a "real relationship". Sorry, it's not. It's a *lets pretend we're in a relationship* relationship.

So then, there's all this drama. WTF do you want all this drama in your life. Like… life has no meaning without drama??

And another thing, if someone commits suicide it is NEVER because of something I (or you) did. For sure we can play a role in someone's pain and suffering -- as they can in our own -- but our LIVES (and in the case of suicide, our deaths) ARE OUR RESPONSIBILITY and no one else's (once we're grown).

So, I duno… what are you two getting out of this not so merry go round N E Way? Seriously, why not find a *REAL* BF? You know, someone who has a body you can touch, someone who can touch your body… more or less on a regular basis maybe?

[Luca]

About the BPD, I have most of the symptoms, which is something scary :\

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD)is a cluster-B personality disorder, the essential feature of which is a pattern of marked impulsivity and instability of affects, interpersonal relationships and self image.

Other symptoms usually include intense fears of abandonment and intense anger and irritability, the reason for which others have difficulty understanding. People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment. Self-harm, suicidal behavior and substance intoxication are common.

All of it is true.

I'd like if some of you could like, I don't know, tell me what they think about it and what they think is the right choice to do and why.

Major Red Flags....

I've basically ruined his life

I feel like I'm worthless

It's really unlikely that we'll get back together and I know that, but I dont wanna give up

the start of our relationship was perfect, we were both really happy and it was like a dream come true, we always spent a lot of time with each other (online, of course).

...and then....there is THIS....

This went so far that he even tried to kill himself, more than once. That's just so horrible, he did it because of me.

Did you ever actually meet this person face to face?

If not...count your blessings....you dodged a bullet...

...you need to go to a therapist as soon as possible....print out what you wrote here...He/She will know what to do...

Thanks for replying, first of all: yeah, i know, it's horrible.
I have never met him face to face. I'm going to see a therapist really soon, we'll see how things go.

As twisttheleaf said BORDERLINE if that is the case, be careful and stay away, this is very SERIOUS, does he take medication? , you need to learn how to finish this, it will never get better, it will drain you and your confidence, as much you do never will be enough and you will always have the fault. It's not your fault, protect yourself, from what you wrote be careful

What do you mean?

...but this is NOT a "real relationship"

You can't judge a relationship just because it's a long distance relationship. It's not like we were gonna be like that for all our lives, we were gonna meet really soon. You love someone just because you do, there's no reason to have physical contact anyway, that doesn't make sense.

So then, there's all this drama. WTF do you want all this drama in your life. Like… life has no meaning without drama??

What? It's not like I choose these things to happen, nor i want them to...

And another thing, if someone commits suicide it is NEVER because of something I (or you) did. For sure we can play a role in someone's pain and suffering -- as they can in our own -- but our LIVES (and in the case of suicide, our deaths) ARE OUR RESPONSIBILITY and no one else's (once we're grown).

What about kids who got bullied so much and felt so bad about it that they killed themself? It's bullies' fault, not theirs.

So, I duno… what are you two getting out of this not so merry go round N E Way? Seriously, why not find a *REAL* BF? You know, someone who has a body you can touch, someone who can touch your body… more or less on a regular basis maybe?

As I said, I'd have loved to meet him, and anyway, you don't need to touch someone to love them. Sure, that's something awesome to do, but still, it's not something required.

[meridannight]

Yeah, this is so totally f'd up I don't know where to begin. For one thing, I'd argue that two people who've never met in the flesh who are hanging out on line together for months do not have a REAL relationship.

i went ahead and assumed they have met. otherwise, there would be no possibility to quote relationship. and none of this drama would make any sense if it's just an online thing.

if he now comes and says they actually have NOT met...then both of them are out of their effing minds.

[meridannight]

Yeah, I'm young and I don't have much experience but I love him. I'm in control of myself, I know I can change, I don't care if it's hard or not. I don't wanna lose him, I might be young but I know how I feel and what I want. And I also had time to get used to the relationship, nearly a year.

when you can't stop yourself from REPEATEDLY pulling crap detrimental to the relationship you want to have --> that is the very definition of having no self-control. you say you know what you want, but you just can't do what needs to be done to have it. then claim to be in control. what a joke. you're light years away from self-control and integrity.

and i don't doubt you have feelings. but feelings alone are not enough to make a relationship work. this is what you don't get.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Thanks for replying, i thought about it a few weeks ago and yeah, i could have it (I have some of the symptoms) but it shouldn't affect the relationship much, I don't think so. Anyway, I don't want to think about it too much or I'll start thinking that everything I do isn't my fault (that's how I am).

ANY kind of personality disorder or emotional disorder will have a huge affect on one's relationship. HUGE.

Therapy is important, far more effective than any medication or other solution, and.... IMO? Absolutely necessary in such cases.

[MikeW]

i went ahead and assumed they have met. otherwise, there would be no possibility to quote relationship. and none of this drama would make any sense if it's just an online thing.

if he now comes and says they actually have NOT met...then both of them are out of their effing minds.

Trust me, it's coming. That post got held for moderation but it will show up. But they were GOING to…

[MikeW]

Quote:


...but this is NOT a "real relationship"

You can't judge a relationship just because it's a long distance relationship. It's not like we were gonna be like that for all our lives, we were gonna meet really soon. You love someone just because you do, there's no reason to have physical contact anyway, that doesn't make sense.

… sigh, yeah, actually I can. If you haven't met and haven't spent any REAL time together, you are not in a real relationship. You don't even know what he smells like.

So then, there's all this drama. WTF do you want all this drama in your life. Like… life has no meaning without drama??

What? It's not like I choose these things to happen, nor i want them to…

Actually, you HAVE chosen it… YOU *are* responsible for it because YOU are doing it. You came here to this forum asking what to do about a situation that you're TOTALY creating. You say you're in a relationship… but in reality you're having an on-going on-line conversation w/ someone you've never met. But, even so, you say you can't stop saying and doing things that makes this guy so miserable he wants to commit suicide. WTF, dude? "It's not like I chose these things to happen, nor I want them to…" …. Well, then who DID choose them? Who did make them happen?

And another thing, if someone commits suicide it is NEVER because of something I (or you) did. For sure we can play a role in someone's pain and suffering -- as they can in our own -- but our LIVES (and in the case of suicide, our deaths) ARE OUR RESPONSIBILITY and no one else's (once we're grown).

What about kids who got bullied so much and felt so bad about it that they killed themself? It's bullies' fault, not theirs.

READ BOLDED PART IN PARENTHESIS. But to be clear, when children bully other children and are allowed to get away with it, it is because they are not being properly parented and disciplined by the adults around them. Similarly, when a child commits suicide (for whatever reason) it is because they are not being properly parented, loved and given the tools they need to deal with life. SO, whose fault is it? The adults around the child upon whom the child's life depends, that's whose. Now … once we're grown up and an adult, it is OUR responsibility, our choice, not anyone else's. It is how WE choose to deal with a problem -- as opposed to choosing any other way of dealing with it.

So, I duno… what are you two getting out of this not so merry go round N E Way? Seriously, why not find a *REAL* BF? You know, someone who has a body you can touch, someone who can touch your body… more or less on a regular basis maybe?

As I said, I'd have loved to meet him, and anyway, you don't need to touch someone to love them. Sure, that's something awesome to do, but still, it's not something required.

You are delusional. That's the problem.