How to tell if a guy is interested, or just wants sex.

[Topher]

Here's my story: I've been on countless dates with guys, but never really found myself interested in pursuing more than a friendship with any of them, if I wanted to see them again, at all. About 2 weeks ago, I met a guy on a gay dating app. I know, most people on these apps just want sex, but this guy's profile just stated he was looking for "good company". He made it clear, very early on, that he's not looking for sex. Our first meeting was at a coffee shop. I was incredibly nervous, because this guy was one of the most attractive people I'd ever seen in my entire life. He was also incredibly intelligent, and very nice. He asked if I'd like to meet for dinner two nights later, and I accepted. So, two days later, we went to dinner. Dinner went well, and we found ourselves back at his place, chatting and laughing and asking questions...getting to know one another. It was great, and such a relief to find someone not just wanting sex, but who generally wanted to get to know me. This happened on a Thursday night. I didn't hear from him again, so on Sunday, I sent him a text and said that I'd very much enjoy seeing him again, if he'd like to see me. He said he'd like to see me again, and we scheduled a date for Thursday night. I brought a bottle of wine over to his place. We talked for about 2 hours, and then, he grabbed my hand, and leaned in to kiss me. We kissed, and touched, and cuddled, but nothing more. He asked me to meet him again on Friday for dinner, and said that after dinner, I should spend the night at his house so that we could cuddle the night away. Of course, I again accepted. During dinner, he kept his hand on my knee, or would hold my hand. After dinner, we went back to his place, shared music that we're interested in, and talked more. We then went to his bed where we found ourselves doing a little more than cuddling. We didn't have sex, but there was lots of play, touching, kissing, grinding, etc. He told me that he was holding back, and that he'd really like to have sex with me, but knows it's not time, yet. This surprised me, because on our first date he told me that he doesn't have sex unless he feels a very strong connection with someone. So, I thought he must feel a strong connection with me. We embraced the entire night during our sleep. In the morning, he woke and kissed my forehead and asked to take me to breakfast. At breakfast, he told me that he slept great, and he was surprised, because he never likes to sleep with anyone unless he really knows them. Again, I took this as a compliment. After breakfast I returned home, as he said he had someplace to be at 1. During our time together, we talk about very personal things. We share family photos. We talk about things I don't even talk about with my friends.

The problem is, I check the dating app often to see if he's online, and he often is. I checked it a few hours after leaving breakfast with him, and according to the time, he'd been online RIGHT after I left. I'm extremely confused. I can't tell if he's playing me for a fool, or if he really likes me. At times, I think he must be doing this with lots of guys. At other times, I think he really likes me. How can i tell??!?!

[jimcrackcorn]

Your still at the stage of "getting to know each other". Neither of you have yet to make a solid commitment to one another, so don't be surprised that he is still on the dating app.

This is the time that you have to be patient and let the budding relationship unfold naturally. Don't start snooping around and get yourself upset!!! If anything,, you should avoid going back on that dating app for the time being - because he may see you on there and think your still on the prowl too. I can just see the two of you going on that dating app and checking to see if the other is still active....

You need to continue seeing each other as often as possible,, and let the romance grow. It will happen if you don't get in your own way (smile)...

Sincerely,
Jim

[MikeW]

… The problem is, I check the dating app often to see if he's online, and he often is. I checked it a few hours after leaving breakfast with him, and according to the time, he'd been online RIGHT after I left. I'm extremely confused. I can't tell if he's playing me for a fool, or if he really likes me. At times, I think he must be doing this with lots of guys. At other times, I think he really likes me. How can i tell??!?!

Ok, well, first off you (two) are dating. That's what I would call it anyway. "Dating" does not preclude anything else, including extended time cruising "dating" apps, hooking up with other guys and or whatever.

Still, I can certainly understand your confusion. You've heard him say, "he doesn't have sex unless he feels a very strong connection with someone," so, if that's the case, then why is he on an app so often? Is this statement a truth or not?

The only way I know to resolve these kinds of things is to speak honestly and ask for clarity. You have to find a way to do it that says what is true for you without blaming or condemning or judging or implying anything about him. Something like, "Hey, I have to admit I'm a bit confused. On one hand, I get the feeling you're interested in me, which is great. I'm interested in you as well. But, on the other hand, I notice you're on the dating app a lot -- sometimes right after we've been together. This worries me a bit and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Can you help me out with that?"

So, you say whatever is true for you and you observe his response. Is he defensive or embarrassed by the question and not wanting to answer it? Does he deflect it and turn it back on you, asking why you're on the app yourself, checking up on him? Or does he just say what is true for him, whatever that may be?

Beyond that, I don't know what to suggest.

[Borg69]

You posted this exact same thing at JUB.

[Topher]

You posted this exact same thing at JUB.

Am I not allowed to get multiple opinions?

[Rareboy]

Obviously he still must think there's someone better for him out there.

I'd dump him now before you get badly hurt.

[Cinestry]

You see he's online, but when seeing this YOU are online too, right? Maybe he's doing the same thing (;
Also, for the past few weeks I've been seeing someone I met on an app too and I found myself sometimes going back on it just to go through his photos (that sounds way creepier than it is haha), which actually made him ask me why I was still online on that app too. It could be true that he's still looking for other people besides you of course, but you won't know unless you ask.

[Topher]

You see he's online, but when seeing this YOU are online too, right? Maybe he's doing the same thing (;
Also, for the past few weeks I've been seeing someone I met on an app too and I found myself sometimes going back on it just to go through his photos (that sounds way creepier than it is haha), which actually made him ask me why I was still online on that app too. It could be true that he's still looking for other people besides you of course, but you won't know unless you ask.

Thanks. Glad to know I'm not alone. Keep me updated on yours!

Also just for an update on mine, he sent me a text early this morning asking if I'd like to hang out tonight before he leaves on Tuesday for a work trip. We went to see a movie and then went back to his place where I watched tv while he packed, and then cuddled for a bit before I left so he could get some sleep. It meant so much to me that he asked me to go over just to watch him pack. I know that sounds weird, but to me it meant that he just wanted me to be present. He wanted my company, even though he couldn't offer much in return since he was busy. He did come and kiss me a few times in the middle of packing. I really reallyyyy hope it continues on this track. Definitely falling for him hard haha.

[MikeW]

… I know that sounds weird, but to me it meant that he just wanted me to be present. He wanted my company, even though he couldn't offer much in return since he was busy. He did come and kiss me a few times in the middle of packing. I really reallyyyy hope it continues on this track. Definitely falling for him hard haha.

Doesn't sound the least bit "weird" at all…. I totally agree with you. SO much (way too much) emphasis gets put on sex. Hey, we all enjoy it (well, almost all) BUT… to my mind what you said is very true… what really matters is just "being there" with another human being. I hope this continues on like this as well… keep us updated as to how things go! And, in the mean time, just feel free to hang out and chat with us.

[East]

I think he might be a serial dater...and might be doing the same thing with a lot of guys.

It all seems very controlled which if it were me ....would scare me...and send me running. By controlled...a lot of guys have very high and often impossible standards for another guy...and NO ONE EVER MAKES THE CUT. Pity the man who does though because once they are placed atop the idealistic pedestal...they start to fall off of it when Mr Perfect decides he isn't the man he expected him to be...no one is. Of course...Mr Perfect never assumes any responsibility for his idealism and finds faults with very single guy on the planet... there is always something wrong with "them" but never anything wrong with "him"

If you haven't guessed already...he sounds like dozens of men I have known in the past. I think you are in the interview stages....and if he is the guy who he sounds like....better hope you don't pass. Have you ever had someone pick you apart for sport? If not..there is no way to prepare you for it.