WeepingAngel Wrote:I would do anything for him....ANYTHING.... it's just such a sensitive situation....I don't know how to go about getting it fixed.
It is very difficult....the problem is that she raised him and she knows what buttons to push....
Trust me...wives all over the place have had to deal with this situation for years...
It is very difficult...
My mother was ultra manipulative...she made my youngest brother her surrogate husband when my father left. She got rid of his wife....
I had nothing to do with my mom for years..being around her was similar to dancing with the devil...and then sitting down for a game of chess. It sucked...but I had no choice. Because of her.....I know how to deal with ultra manipulative people. It is almost an art form....
You have to pay attention...close attention...and counteract the negativity with positivity....don't try to fight her...you won't win.... and never sink to her level...it is the best weapon you have. I know exactly what I am talking about.....
She will lie...it will be frustrating....NEVER LIE BACK...if they can drag you into the sewer with them they win.....
You also try to never show your cards...never let her or anyone else know you understand what you are dealing with...especially your BF. If she thinks you are onto her...she can use deception to convince her son and everyone else you have it "in" for her....
Did any of that scare you? It should...
It isn't impossible to get past one of those people...it IS incredibly difficult...
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Borg69 Wrote:His dad just died. His mother is heart broken and maybe relying on your BF too much in her grief. He's got a lot on his plate right now. I get that the situation isn't ideal for you but where's the compassion? The empathy? Where in all this are your problems bigger than his right now? How is this all about you? I think WeepingAngel is trying to ask us HOW he can help, AND save what looks like a sinking relationship. I think it's only transitionary... But I remember when my brother died and my mother had this long protracted depression (I'd never known her to be depressed, never!) I didn't know how to deal with her either. The situation may be different but I think it's a similar situation in terms of not knowing how to handle a mourning depression.
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Thank you so much East....me and my husband have always been honest with each other...and he wants out too....I completely understand what you are saying....it's going to take time....it's just so hard to feel like he is pulling away...and I know he doesn't mean too....I just want us to be happy again...and the only way we can be is to get the hell out of here...
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Yes Prince....it is so difficult....and I wouldn't say my relationship is "sinking" per say....just different...it Sounds corny...but everyone...including us...always said we had this fairy-tale relationship....we spent every second together...always talked...always wanted each other....and things have changed because of this and we both want it back...
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Angel, it seems to me that YOU can decide that you're going back home. If he has any idea, he'll want to follow you. Maybe you're the one who has to pull the bathwater plug.... ? So that's one solution, however, I would not do that without making sure first that someone is going to take care of mum. Does mum have any friends, locally, neighbours with whom she gets on well enough? People from church, maybe, if she's been a religious person? This is a time to get the whole world out there to chip in and help with smaller portions of personal time. If all else fails, would be it conceivable that you get a nurse, or a counsellor involved? All organisations are worth calling in for help. My mother took a psychiatrist and managed to move on eventually. It took her a trip to China for three years teaching to get her out of the slumps of depression. You never get over someone's death, of course, but the pain, the hurt, the ache do wane away eventually. Is mum valid enough to go and make herself useful in a community or in the community, valid enough to go and share her pain with other widows who are moving on? Church groups, again, spring to mind. Anything you can do in that direction?
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This happened to my parents when my father died, no clue about their sex life, and don't care. But we lived with them until my grandmother died. She needed to be taken care of, and instead of taking her to a home, we took care of her. I don't know if this is a similar situation, but I think you need to talk to him, and see whats up. Just tread carefully.
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Oh so East's advice is not to show your cards, now that's going to be difficult for you, WeepingAngel, I think you are too honest for deceit. But there is a way, probably, if you coat everything with sugar and (kind of) play her game. Don't try to make him feel guilty, but do your utmost to be extra kind, to the point of annoyment. She'll be the one wanting to get rid of you, rather than retaining you. You could also make sure that your boyfriend is included in the act by using words like WE instead of I, which will bring out the point that you are a couple and are acting as a couple, not as single personalities.
So : "WE thought that it might be good if you saw other people now. WE're going to contact a service to make you sure are taken care of. If you need US, call US and WE'll see what WE can do. But WE can't make any promises. After all there is also (sister's name) who you could call. She lives sufficiently close by."
I don't know the age of your mother in law, but there is a French film called Tatie Danielle that seems to cover that sort of syndrome. People who are getting elderly and need care but make the life of those caring for them almost impossible by reverting to almost baby/child like behaviour (like things that might happen with dementia).
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His mother....even though she is of course depressed...can take care of herself....she is just choosing not too..
.his family is well to do...and She's had someone taking care of her most of her life....I feel that she is using him to do the things she doesn't want to do herself....he loves her...and in my own way I do too...but I feel that she is taking advantage of him and it honestly pisses me off that he is being used and then being made to feel guilty about wanting to leave...I'm afraid I'm coming across selfish and uncaring to you all...but That's not the case...I want him to be Okay...and her Okay..but he is my very soul and I have to make sure he is going to make it through...I would give up my life for him....I just..........well.......miss him.....
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Ok, well, I'm still not getting it. I get that she's manipulating the situation… like East has described. SO… why don't the two of you just LEAVE?
Lord have mercy… There comes a point where you just look at a manipulative person and say NO TO THE HELL NO! Walk away and let them deal with their own shit. Don't buy in to ANY manipulative shit they do. I don't care what it is… from crying and moaning to blaming and guilt tripping to threatening to cut off money to throwing a fit, even threatening physical violence -- you just say, "I'm not playing, bye!"
I had to do that to both my parents while they were still living in the care of my oldest sister under the threat of physical violence from her husband, my brother in law. The parents were crying and sobbing and pleading with me, the sister was guilt tripping me, "How can you do this to your poor old mom and dad?…" my brother in law literally stood in the doorway and threatened to slug me if I tried to leave. It was very difficult, they were pushing ALL THE OLD BUTTONS they'd used on me my whole life. I just looked at them and said FUCK YOUR CRAZY ASS BULLSHIT, and to my brother in law, "Get the fuck out of my way or I'll have your ass in jail for kidnapping and assault!" And I left. I didn't see either of my parents again until they were on their death beds. For that and a lot of other reasons, I haven't spoken to my sister since.
I'm just saying, yeah, this is a difficult situation. I get it. But you're saying your BF wants out… Ok… so, he needs to grow a pair and LEAVE already. And in the mean time, you don't have to stay there either. You can tell him you love him but this has gotten out of hand and he, by his choices, is no longer respecting you and your relationship. So, you take care of yourself. Maybe he'll get the picture, its time for HIM to take care of HIMSELF and let his mother take care of herself. Everything else is just co-dependent bullshit.
Sorry if I sound harsh but, yeah, I have a bit of an attitude about this crap. It pisses me the fuck off. I refuse to play these stupid sick games with people.
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You're not being harsh Mike...and I thank you for your advice...but he is my HUSBAND...not just my boyfriend....we have been through so many tough times together...we would never walk away from each other....he is the kindest soul I have ever met...and with his anxiety disorder it is hard for him to stand up to anyone...he has gotten better since we have been together....I'm the kind of guy who takes zero shit from ANYONE...and I'm very outspoken...but I would never do anything to hurt him...and to see him being torn in this way is killing me....like he feels he always has to choose between me and his mother....and he wants to choose me...but his guilt is eating away at him, plus add on the fact that he just lost his father and feels that if he doesn't take care of his mother he is letting his father down....and the reason we can't just leave is because we have no money at this point...in a way we gave up everything to help her...we left our home we were in and even left the jobs we had in order to help her get through her depression...we do have new jobs now...starting tomorrow actually....my problem I guess, isn't just leaving her home...but how to get him through his depression, sadness and guilt until we can help each other get out of here and this situation...
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